It's so awful. We try to act neutrally and ask him to calm down, but it usually follows a burst of bad behaviour and it's difficult to give him the reassurance he probably needs.
Today, for example, he had a strop when he saw DH take DS2 into the loft (putting overnight bags away). This is usually something DS1 gets to do, but when we said no, it's only safe for one of them to go at a time, he very quickly flew into an uncontrollable rage, lashed out at little DS3, and when sent to his room to cool down, started hypoventilating, hitting furniture, and then his head with his fist, shouting he wanted to die, to leave, to disappear.
I was mightily unimpressed and told him to calm right down and breathe. - I was quite determined he wouldnt get lots of attention for such horrid self-indulgent behaviour, and besides, DS3 needed a hug.
But it was scary and unnerving, and I was afraid to leave him at all in case he really did do something stupid and hurt himself (at least there are safety locks on the windows).
It's not the first time this has happened, and I admit I may have been a bit like this myself. I had terribly low self esteem as a child, and suspect I'm quite critical.
When we spoke later, DS1 said we're too strict. I worry maybe we are a bit controlling (although with three young boys it's v hard work keeping everything together).
Has anyone any tips or experience of this?