Cannot take DD anywhere

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Am coming to the end of my tether with DD. If we go anywhere it usually ends in tears, and not just hers.

For example, playgroup. She will be fine for a certain amount of time, but at the end when all the other children sit down and enjoy singing, DD insists on running around everywhere. As she gets more giddy she will try and hug other children. This usually involves her running at another child and grabbing them in a bear hug, usually knocking them both to the ground. Clearly this is distressing for the younger children and I am fed up with the nasty looks and retorts off other mums. The thing is DD does not go to preschool or nursery and so has limited opportunity to play with other children other than at this group and so I do not want to stop going.

Another example is food shopping. I dread this even if it is a quick dash in. She hates going into the seat of the trolley. She can undo the belt provided and so this is a waste of time, and continues to try and climb out. If I put her in the larger part of the trolley she is the same, as well as opening and eating food. When stopped she stands up and tries climbing out shouting "walking". If I let her walk however, she runs around out of sight, throws herself on the floor, pulls items off the shelves and when told to stop throws a huge tantrum and screaming fit. This normally attracts the attention of shop assistants who"kindly" ask if everything is okay. Today the manager even came over and gave her a voucher to get some sweets with if she was good - even this did not work. She ran off into the car park the other day whilst I was trying to return the trolley.

If we go out for something to eat she cannot sit still in a chair and HAS to run around mithering other people who are trying to eat their meals. She is also like this at home.

If we ask her to stop, she ignores us. In fact we have to ask her several times to do anything at all, which usually results in her being shouted at to get her to pay attention - cue another meltdown. I did not want to be a mother who constantly shouted at her child but I am becoming one due to her inability to be good. I know this is not normal, as most other children her age I know are nothing like this.

Sorry for the long post and I'm sure similar things have been posted numerous times before. I just don't know what to do. This has pushed to me tears a few times this week.

Routines routines. And sympathetic involvement. Talking her through the day in a way she can understand, moment by moment.

I bet she is a bit overwhelmed by the playgroup...all those people, not sure what happens next. The hugging thing is a way of trying to make sense of the bewildering sensations, as is the running around madly.

Same with the supermarket.

She is reacting to STRESS by becoming hyper. You have to warn her of every stage before you do it, and make the whole thing something very familiar and routine.

So, supermarket, first step would be telling her exactly what you are going to buy, and where you are going to buy it from. Keep it short, add in a snack for her to eat whilst you are shopping (not at end). Ask her to pick something to put in the trolley for you (direct her to the right thing) ask her to help you put it in. Keep reminding her what you are doing, as you do it, now we are buying milk, now cheese, now bread, now we are going to the checkout. Keep visit short.

Structured activities at playgroup might suit your daughter much better than free play. The singing might actually be too much for her senses or maybe she is just tired by that point and needs a break from so many people.

One of my children Does have mild autism and he gets hyper when very stressed by sensory overload, and starts sensory seeking (to blot it out) grabbing people etc, very impatient. Mostly he loved playgroups where it was structured and he was engaged but free to do his own thing and there was also a chance in the day to use his physical energy. Then he concentrated beautifully and was calm sometimes and lively at other times. He is 11 now!

Whatever the outcome your child is not being BAD or NAUGHTY she is just reacting to an environment which makes her feel stressed. The same with mealtimes.

notso has described the right approach beautifully! Involvement rather than commands and orders. Recognising that the child wants to do all sorts of things and channelling that energy rather than just trying to make her "do what you want"

My DD1 was exactly the same. Very 'spirited'. Still is at 6 and in Year 1 but she can be reasoned with now. It is hard when it feels like your child is the only one not behaving. We have been very firm and consistent, on reins at your DD's age, removed from environments where she was over excited and unable to behave (I remember an attempt at Jo Jingles, gave up after 4 weeks). I was worried after a difficult foundation year that she may have some SN but with the support of the school, SENCO and school nurse they think not and her behaviour has improved enormously in year 1. The structure suits her better. I think the wild, 'naughty' behaviour is a reaction to too much excitement and over stimulation.

Luckily I have a DD2 who is a much calmer individual so I am less hard on myself about it now.

Forgot to add, found both of these books really helpful:

www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Perceptive/dp/0060739665/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390223790&sr=8-1&keywords=rasing+your+spirited+child

and

www.amazon.co.uk/Playful-Parenting-Lawrence-J-Cohen/dp/0345442865/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1390223838&sr=8-1&keywords=playful+parenting

For the playgroup, I wouldn't take her home, just outside the group. She'll learn that if she behaves in that way she has to stand with you where it's quiet / cold / boring. Even better if she can hear the children having fun inside. Explain why you're there and after a suitable gap, ask her if she's willing to play nicely with the other children and go back in. I think going home takes too long for her to associate the two, and presumably she likes being at home so doesn't see it as a consequence of her actions.

I agree with the PP who suggested planning to leave before singing, unless there's another space you could decamp to. I doubt she can control her desire to run about, or consciously decide to play 'nicely' at this age regardless of the timing or her understanding of the proposed punishment so just take the decision out of her hands, don't give her opportunities to be naughty. I never went to cafes with the DDs of mine that didn't like them, goes to show that I actually can't remember which ones at which ages were the nightmares, they all behave beautifully in restaurants and on trains now! Don't feel obliged to employ behaviour modification techniques for 'show' when she will likely grow out of it anyway

Just skim read, so sorry for repeating. My main experience is with the toddler group behaviour. My dc always gets like this when tired and hungry. I started taking a bigger snack and always leave before the end. As soon as the manic behaviour starts I just leave. If he is behaving like that in the middle of the session, he is given time out (it gives the other child a chance to escape).

Handy hints

• leave Playgroup just as they start to sing

• shop in the evenings Or work towards her helping you find things and put them in the trolly.

• ensure she is hungry when you put her on the high chair. Also take felt pens, bit if play dough, a book with you for entertainment.

Lastly her behaviour seems very attention seeking. Can youake sitting her in the seat or shopping fun?

There is something about singing at playgroups that neither of my dds could handle so we always left at that point.

Also, maybe just don't eat out until she's older (waiting for a raft of posters to tell me she needs to learn how to behave in restaurants etc etc). DD2 could not cope at all with restaurants, partly because she wasn't bothered about eating. So we knocked that on the head. Now 4.1 she can sit for a while and is a little more interested in food. She manages to behave so minimal exposure to eating out appears not to have damaged her!

Is she in any childcare setting? If so can you try any of their reward systems?