Nearly 3 year old just will not leave us alone...

[boredbuthappy]

As horrible as it sounds, it is exactly that. DH and I cannot even have a conversation without DS interrupting and getting louder until we just give up and are forced to listen to him and only him. He cannot entertain himself despite having a plethora of choice of activities. We even set out structured tasks and explain to him repeatedly the order of things to come such as: clean up your toys while mummy gets dinner ready...after this we will do this...you will do this for 10 mins and then we will (insert activity here). I've come across numerous articles suggesting that this is the best way to encourage a toddler to spend time doing something by themselves, but it's not working. It's always what DS wants: if we put the evening news on, he whines and cries until we change if to something he wants. If I'm making a meal, he's trying to grab things from me and trying to climb chairs to reach things he's not supposed to touch. If I'm in the washroom he'll have opened the door and joined me within 30 secs. If I pull out a book to read with him he decides that's not what he wants to do and will pull out a dozen other random things and then not play with any of them and insist that I play with them instead (?!!). I could go on but I won't.

DH and I spend nearly all the time DS is awake tending to him, or playing with him, or doing some constructive learning activity with him and it's becoming very clear that our relationship is suffering. We both work full-time, DS is in nursery 5 days a week and I wonder sometimes if this is the reason he is like this. By the time he is in bed asleep, we are just too exhausted to even think about what we might possibly do with our time together (which is never really more than a couple of hours before one of us crashes). The thought of having another child is seeming more and more like a bad idea although we both always said we'd want a second.

Please tell me this is a short phase that will go away soon, or at the very least, I'd appreciate it if someone could tell me that it's okay to just ignore him and he won't be emotionally scarred.

I realize that he's a toddler and this is what they can be like, but seriously he needs to be able to do SOMETHING by himself.

I really feel for you. My DS2 is like this. A really lovely boy but high maintenance and can become really destructive if we don't give him our undivided attention. It's exhausting and some days it feels like torture because he doesn't even give me thinking time...like my thoughts have even been hijacked.

I'm sorry to say that in our case it wasn't a phase (DS is now 4) but it has become easier for a few reasons. Predominantly because he's at nursery every morning which is a break, but also because he's getting older so there are more activities I can engage him in. He has siblings which also helps because we share the attention he gets which gives me a chance to do dinner etc.

Perhaps in your case it is a phase but if it's not, it will probably get easier as he gets older and as you learn strategies. Above all, don't let this stop you having another child because it could actually improve the situation.

Also, don't worry that it's because he's at nursery. My DS wasn't until this September and I worry that it's because he was used to constant 1-1 care.

Things will work out.

He's not yet 3. I think you are hugely over estimating what he can do and for how long. A child of this age cannot understand how long 10 minutes is nor follow structured tasks which offer no immediate reward. He wants your attention because that is what children this age are like. I haven't been to the toilet alone in years :) Think of practical ways to engage him, for example by letting him help you prepare meals. It may seem more time consuming but actually in the long run it becomes easier because you don't have the stress of fencing them out, hearing them fuss etc. So give him little tasks like putting things on the table, getting bowls out, mixing things etc. If it is dangerous for him to be in the kitchen get a stair gate for the door way. Mine used to like sitting on the floor 'mixing' dried pasta in a sauce pan regardless of what we were eating. Chopping and changing activity is also normal - think of it as roughly 1 minute concentration per year of life. So he really can only concentrate for a couple of minutes at a time. He can't at this age understand that when you get home from work and he gets home from nursery you have things to do. He wants your time and attention. You could always try changing your evening routine: eg. come home, play, feed him, bath him and put him to bed so he is in bed for 7. While you do bath etc. DH does meal for the two of you (or vice versa) so once DS is in bed you can eat and relax together. It is a phase - just not that short :)

If you both work full time surely he is just wanting to be close to you as he has been away from you for the day?

There's a few things going on I think - firstly, yes if you are away from him all day during the week then he's going to need you attention when you're home.
Secondly, "10 minutes" is an entirely meaningless concept to a 2 or 3 year old. He can't tell the time. Maybe try using some kind of visual timer, and start smaller - 3 minutes, 5 minutes maybe.

Some things I would ignore though - interrupting you while you're trying to talk, not wanting to have your programme on the TV. In those situations I think it is fine to say No.

Unfortunately I think you are expecting too much from him. You are expecting his behaviour to be more like a 4/5/6 year old, sorry. He is only little. It's normal behaviour for that age.

Meant to add that at 2 years old you will just have to go with it and give him attention as you do things. If he tries to join in conversations it's because he wants to join on and communicate. With you so I'd respond to him positively and continue, or save conversations until he is in bed.

To be honest dh and I are very child centric and we give ourselves completely to both dc (aged 19 months and 11 years) until they go to bed and then we have our adult time - all about 60 minutes of it!

I think you have to have the mindset that they aren't little for long and just go with it.