Separation anxiety...is it my fault??

[Joiedevivre83]

Hi there, my DS is 14 months now and has been going to the CM for the last 3 months though due to illness there have been gaps (and also Xmas) hasn't had a continuous run. He goes tues-thurs, and is still having difficulty settling. The dropping off is getting better with minimal crying and no crying today! However, CM seems to be finding it difficult as DS cries if there are ever visitors to her house or if they go out to any playgroups, and he does get himself into quite a state crying and not stopping so I've had to go and pick him up a few times. CM has sought advice from a previous course tutor who has suggested that maybe the trouble with detachment may be coming from me and any issues with my upbringing, and that we too readily meet his needs - could this be the case or is it just a case of bad separation anxiety? We BF, co-sleep, and do meet all of his needs as much as we can, can you make a child needy by meeting all of its needs?

he's 14 months old! You're meant to meet his needs!
My dd had s.a.; no, it's not your fault. dd was only cured by finding a school with a brilliant HT I attended with dd and sat in various gradually more distant parts of school. You need to agree tactics with whoever is caring for your ds
try youngminds.org.uk they helped us a lot

Thanks Julia. I'll check that out. Glad to hear your DD is doing well. I suppose it's the speed at which we meet his needs that I'm wondering about, we've always gone to him very quickly, do you think that contributes to separation anxiety? Building expectations etc? Thanks.

I don't think you cause his anxiety. It's unfair to suggest you do;you've got enough to worry about without being blamed for the problem. YM will give some helpful advice without blaming you
good luck

Hi Joi,

You have not caused any separation anxiety by meeting your child's needs quickly! You have done a great job being a responsive parent, and you have absolutely not done anything wrong.

There is some suggestion that not meeting your baby's/child's needs would make any separation anxiety worse. (See this, which is about sleep training specifically but the last paragraphs have some interesting stuff about parent child synchronicity)

I would not be impressed with a CM who had spouted such nonsense as an "explanation" for such crying. She's basically saying that you've made him anxious! Which is bollocks. Separation anxiety happens as a developmental stage, or just because of some babies' personalities.

As a result of her saying this sort of thing, I would be worried about how attentive and kind she is to her charges. At the very least it sounds like she has a very different approach to childcare than you, which might be contributing to his upset. Maybe you might be better off looking for a new CM?

Totally agree with this ExBrightonBell

I'm a bit worried about your CM calling you to pick him up due to crying. I would hope a professional child caree would only call the parents out of work in the event of illness, unless you have instructed her to call you if he gets distressed? What tactics does she use to pacify him? After ensuring his needs have all been met there's surely a dozen distraction techniques which could be deployed (taking a little walk, music, bringing out a new toy, offering a snack etc)? Fwiw I think it's wholly normal for a 14mo to miss his/her primary carer. By calling you isn't she teaching him that if he cries for long enough you will appear?

I also work with children and used to work for a childminder. It's wrong for her to try and analyse your child like that when she's likely to be wrong, it's unfair. I would be worried about this CM. A good minder will be confident in this kind of thing and should be able to pacify your child. There's always a 'clingy' or distressed baby in a group. your LO just needs a CM with the time to give him extra attention for a while till he settles. It will change over time if they are the right person. I feel for you x

Thanks for your replies everyone. Giving it a little longer and will see how things pan out. Hoping he'll settle as I really like the childminder and he seems to now as well, and now only cries inconsolably if she has any visitors or attends playgroup...I can see how this can be difficult with the other children she cares for, so we'll see. He cries when I take him into large groups or when the tesco guy delivers the shopping! Hoping for the best :)