Is this normal for a 12-year old?

[tiggerkid]

Hi all,

I am new to this site, so if I am posting this to the wrong board, please feel free to point out.

I have one son who is about to turn 12 and, in general, he is a good boy, who studies well and doesn't tend to misbehave too much.

However, there are few recurrent issues we have and I was just wondering if this is something that's normal for his age and, therefore, something he will grow out of or if it's something I need to find a way of addressing immediately.

So, the ongoing issues we face are:

1. Eating: he is very picky and almost every mealtime I have 2 choices: it's either we all eat what he likes, so mostly pasta type food or I end up cooking a separate meal for him. Otherwise, he won't eat.

2. General laziness: he won't tidy his room and just isn't bothered how much of a mess it is. He can be covered in school papers and dirty clothes literally from head to toe and he isn't bothered. I have to force him to both tidy his room and maintain his personal hygiene. By forcing I mean standing next to him like a policeman watching him tidy his room. If I walk away, he will leave it and won't bother.

3. Lack of focus and concentration at school: this is a bit of a strange one. His grades are good. His finished his primary school with "above age group" performance in all assessed subjects. At present, he is also in top sets for all assessed subjects. However, every single one of his teachers complains about his concentration in class as well as not following instructions. So I am not quite sure what to make of it because when it comes to tests, his marks always exceed 75-80%.

Long story short, I guess what I am asking is whether all this is normal for a boy of his age or is this something I should be dealing with as a matter of urgency to avoid raising someone who is a total misfit?

My son is the only child, so I haven't got other kids to compare it with.

Many thanks in advance for your feedback, opinions and any experiences you may have had.

Post this is the 'Preteen' section in 'Being A Parent' and you should get a better responsse.

Sounds pretty normal to me! I have an 11yo nearly 12 yo DS and he can be the same, I think they have to decide for themselves when to do stuff, we can talk to them till they are blue in the face and get nothing back. So when his mates tell him he smells he will start to wash, if he's hungry and you don't cook anything else he will have to eat it. Same with clothes, if they are all dirty he will have to put them in the wash!

He's got better lately and he's decided he does not like his room in a tip as he can't find stuff!

Sounds very like my just-turned 12 DS too. The concentration issue at school has improved since he started secondary. I think the problem at primary was mainly because he was bored, but now at a more academic school that stretches him mentally.
Washing/showering - only does when I 'remind' him. I have to send him back upstairs most mornings because he has forgotten to wash and brush his teeth - you'd think it was something I'd only just introduced
Room is a complete tip, dirty washing always on the floor, never in the basket. Can never find anything (but probably hasn't really looked - another issue!!)

Picky eating......normal. Its up to you, eat what he likes or insist he tries new things. As long as he is eating and not filling up on snacks.

Messy room.......shut the door. He will know where his things are.
Ask him to change his own bed when necessary and hand him fresh sheets etc.
On laundry days just ask for washing. It will be passed out.

The transition to secondary school is a huge change, a real culture shock. From being one of eldest in the school to being the youngest again, new friends ,missing old friends, new teachers and lots of new subjects, it can take months to settle down.
Secondary school can be very confusing and takes even the brightest and boldest time to settle.

I don't think you have anything to worry about.

The first two sound pretty normal. Perhaps you can get him involved in cooking so that one night a week he makes a meal for the whole family, whatever he wants. The rest of the time you cook a combination of things he likes and things others like. I think he's old enough to knock two separate meals on the head though. If he learns to cook basic food, you could ask him to make his own dinner if he doesn't like what you're having.

The third sounds pretty typical of a bright child who isn't being challenged by the school work. This won't be a problem currently hence his good grades, but it will catch up with him when he gets to gcse and a level, so it's worth addressing now. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security! He won't be able to coast on natural intelligence forever.

If the tidiness bothers you you could link cleanliness of room with access to Xbox/laptop/mobile phone etc?

No experience of having a 12 year old, but speaking as someone who has been untidy for my whole life, I can honestly say that nothing worked. I occasionally try to be 'good', but within half an hour of tidying the house will somehow look like a bomb's hit it and I'll be hunting for my keys again. Sorry!

Re the school - sounds like he's bored. He might be getting high marks because he has the knowledge but the day to day lessons just might not be challenging him.

Picky eating - normal. But you are not a restaurant. Therefore tell him if he is not going to eat with the rest of you he can cook himself. Do not allow him to snack instead. Cooking is a good life skill. Get him a cook book and let him loose. Also insist that at leasgt once a week he sits down with the rest of the family and also tries a new food weekly.

Messy room - very normal. Let him be. Once he realises it is so dirty and smelly his friends don't want to hang out in it (or you don't allow them over as it is too messy) he may well start sorting it himself. Get a laundry basket if you haven't already got one and only wash what he puts in the laundry. If that means he ends up going to school in dirty socks and pants, point out he only has himself to blame.

Hygiene - likewise. He's not going to get a girlfriend if he smells like old socks. Time will be his teacher ;)

Attention - normal for puberty and something they generally grow out of. Beyond laying down the consequences for bad grades, school reports etc there is not much you can actually do as you cannot stand over him in class. Ask teachers if there is a common friendship element e.g. he is lacking attention because he always sits with best mate.