How to teach DD to deal with controlling child

[MaryIngalls]

Inspired by another thread on AIBU, as I have a similar problem (blatant cut-paste of some bits from other post, since situation is so similar).

Background in short:
DD has a friend whose parents we have known for a long time, and so both girls have been friends since they were babies. They went to different nurseries but since reception the same school and class.

All through reception we had issues with friend hitting, scratching, biting DD yet still playing only with her, and not allowing DD to play with others. Similar to the other poster's experience, she would hurt DD if she tried to play with others, vice versa if others tried to play with her.

In year 1 things became better when I urged DD to walk away the moment the other child started hitting. So friend has now changed tack. She is now all over dd as soon as she walks into the classroom, hugging her, holding hands, drawing little pictures and so on. I would normally say 'awww' but DD is naturally outgoing and always had lots of friends in nursery. The friend is not very well liked so gradually other kids have been giving these two a wide berth. So it's turned into a mutually dependent relationship now. Moreover friend is not a very well behaved child, and dd has started copying her, esp when they are together.

I have spoken to their teacher but they are not much separated in class, as she prefers to let kids make their own choices at certain times of the school day.

I have watched them together at parties and when friend is around it's just those two - I have seen her pull dd away from other children if she was playing with them.

I don't like them being friends at all but it's hard to explain this to DD, who is overwhelmed by all the attention. I try and meet friend's parents as little as possible outside school.

The problem now is that my DD is becoming insecure about herself. She says "I am bad that's why she hits me", "She makes me little drawings, so I have to play with her".

Sorry for rambling on. How do I teach a 6 year old to deal with this?

This situation would bother me too. Can you try encouraging other friendships, eg by inviting other girls over to play? Does your DD do any after school activities (eg gym, rainbows) which would enable her to mix with other children?

Yes already doing those things. On a one to one basis she gets on very well with other children, and they too reciprocate. However the moment it's a group situation, and the 'friend' is present, it's all back to square one. While the other girls are quite happy to play with DD when they come over, in a group situation they gravitate back to their usual friends, which is entirely natural but leaves me wondering whether I achieved anything at all.

How do I teach a 6 year old to deal with this?

I'm not sure you do to be honest; if your DD is finding the situation overwhelming and the teacher is not on board with helping, then you're a bit stuck. I have 2 suggestions:

1. Go to the teacher again, explain that your DD isn't coping with this child and needs support. Go to the Head teacher if the class teacher remains unhelpful.

1. Move your DD to a different school and give her a clean start.

Those were my first instinctive reactions too Andro. But I feel it's a bit OTT to talk to "higher authorities" to sort out two kids not playing together very nicely. Or even moving school. I would consider those routes for something more serious like bullying. What is to say the situation won't play itself out again with a new 'friend' at the new school.

I was after suggestions for phrases/ tactics that I could teach DD for when it all started to become overwhelming for her. E.g. if "friend" cornered her the moment DD walked into classroom, perhaps she could say "Hi X, I want to play with Y right now, let's play later" and walk away. Of course assuming Y is amenable to the idea of playing with DD at that moment :-)

You need to do both.
Talk to teacher. Explain fat is had moved on a bit and that you need her to do something/support.
Tactics of encouraging your dd is fine.
Be firm. 'Just say no'. No, I'm playing with Sophie/jade/Amelia today.

I would consider those routes for something more serious like bullying.

Here's the problem though, this is (in my opinion) turning/has turned into a form of bullying, it may not be deliberate but it's still seriously inappropriate. I've highlighted a few of your comments below:

She is now all over dd as soon as she walks into the classroom, hugging her, holding hands, drawing little pictures and so on.

gradually other kids have been giving these two a wide berth. So it's turned into a mutually dependent relationship now.

I have seen her pull dd away from other children if she was playing with them.

The problem now is that my DD is becoming insecure about herself. She says "I am bad that's why she hits me",

Being all over someone to the point they feel overwhelmed, isolating them from other people, pulling them away from other friends and fostering insecurity to the point where the victim feels they 'deserve' to be hit or must spend time with the person in question would, in an adult relationship, be classified as abusive! Now, I'm not for a minute suggesting that this child be classified as an abusive bully...but she needs help. If the school is refusing to provide that help and safeguard your DD physically and emotionally then you have a problem.

Moving schools would be my last resort, but I wouldn't hesitate to take this matter further if the class teacher isn't on board - I think it goes beyond 2 children 'not playing very nicely'

Teaching tactics like walking away or saying no will only work if the responsible adults are going to back your DD up when needed, you need the teacher to be on message here.

I see where you are coming from Andro, and I will definitely take it up with the teacher in the first instance.

However for my own benefit, surely there are some simple strategies I can teach DD as well? After all she will surely face similar situations all through life. Anyone who has talked to their kids about similar situations. I have tried to encourage her to play with lots of kids and not just one, but she immediately shouted back at me (she's 6 going on 16!) "Why shouldn't I play with her, now she's so nice to me." Think she's insecure about being Billy-no-mates if she doesn't play with 'friend'.

The teacher may prefer the children to make their own choices but she is not enabling your DD to do that.

If what you're hearing is the whole story, your DD is being coerced into making a choice that she wouldn't make freely. Part of the teacher's role is helping children with conflict resolution. At the moment your DD is resolving the conflict by submitting. This is inappropriate and some adult intervention is required to provide her with alternative strategies.

You can't teach her this at home. That needs to happen in school. Someone should be doing some detailed observations of the interaction between the two children and providing some intervention to enable both children to play with a wider group of friends.

Invite some of the other girls in her class around for tea lots and talk to the teacher again (and the headteacher if she isn't listening) to get this heading in a better direction.

When DD was small, had a very similar situation through infants. What worked in the end was a couple of other girls who were very good friends expanded their friendship to include dd and another new girl. They then would allow the bully to play as well as part of the group if she wanted to, but not to take over or separate the group. It worked over time, but will say that the bully's mother was also a bully, and rather nasty with it. I learned to keep my distance.

I have a similar story. I think this is probably very common in school and teachers hear this all the time. It's one of those horrible grey areas no-one ever deals with properly. How would you? It's so hard! I remember being at school and my friends parents would just say 'you're not allowed to play with so and so' and that was that, the child would say 'I'm not allowed to play with you'. I think less people say this now to their kids. I told my DD not to play with the child who kept upsetting her and as I wanted to take the burden of choice away from her. She still played with her sometimes but it definitely increased her confidence and now she stands up to her better. Yes you will have a potential angry parent in your face but the child is more important!

However for my own benefit, surely there are some simple strategies I can teach DD as well?

Saying no, walking away and saying 'I'm playing with X and Y today' are the things you can teach, but they are little use in this situation because your DD's confidence has already been too eroded with respect to this child. Unless some distance is enforced by the adult(s) around her, your DD is pretty helpless. If you can get your DD to understand that it's not okay for this one child to demand an exclusive friendship, the teacher on board to help the other child understand the same thing and some support/boundaries in place at school then she has a chance of making progress.

It doesn't sound as though the other child has any other friends/children willing to play with her, is it possible that by leaving your DD to be her 'friend' the teacher is able to overlook the more serious issue - a child with social and behavioural difficulties (or at least consider last year's issues resolved)?. I'm not suggesting that it's deliberate, but while you DD is playing with her (voluntarily or coerced) such an issue could skate under the radar.

Apologies for being late back, things have been busy. Lots of good ideas here, I need to think out how best to express this to the teacher, without criticising another 6 year old. Thank you everyone!

Don't make it about the other child. Make it about the teacher's responsibility to enable your daughter to make appropriate choices. You just explain the situation.

If the teacher cannot then see that she has work to do with both children you're on a hiding to nothing anyway.

I agree, I do think the other girl isn't 'bad' (as my DD would put it), she is a lovely little girl. But she needs a bit of guidance. I do have to be careful the teacher doesn't assume I am just another precious mum, who wants to dictate who her DD's friends will be.

I would suggest expressing your concerns that your DD is becoming isolated, appears unable to play with other children without being pulled away and that she is becoming insecure to the point where she believes she deserves to be hit. Then ask the teacher how she would suggest enabling your DD to manage this situation.

A friend's son was in a similar position. The school tried lots of things but in the end the solution was to put them in different classes.

Ds2 also has an unhealthy friendship (faults on both sides) that is causing him a lot of upset and that I would rather he ditched. At the moment I am encouraging him to play with other friends when friend X starts excluding him.

When I taught I had to deal with this. Two 7 year old girls in my class. 'Friends' from reception. Parents got on which was why it was so difficult for the controlled child and her mum. Also they were the same ability work wise so always placed together in the classroom.

The controlling girl was not unpleasant to others as in your case, but she was very quiet, incredibly tiny and therefore seen as cute and harmless.

Once I was aware of the situation, both by my own observations and chats with mum, I was able to step in.

I sat them apart in class despite their ability (not a massive problem in primary school). I engineered groups so they were apart. I created jobs at playtimes where one or the other of them helped me so the other one got a chance to be outside with other children. I developed a little code (thumbs up/down) with the controlled child to see how her playtimes went so she could let me know without 'telling' on her friend. A thumbs down meant I could keep them apart.

The teacher should help you out. Tell her everything you told us.

There should be more teachers like you, JimmyCorkhill

Aw thanks