DS (3.11) - concerns about social development

[IWillOnlyEatBeans]

DS1 is going to be 4 next month.

Ever since he was teeny tiny he has not enjoyed being around other children. At baby groups when he was 5 months old, he would cry if another baby rolled too close to him. At toddler group he would cry if another child came to play next to him, or tried to talk to him, or bumped into him.

He is now at pre-school and although he doesn't cry as much, he really, really struggles to join in with the other children. His teachers have noticed and flagged it as a concern. They say he is fine with the other children as long as there is an adult there to mediate things. But as soon as the adult leaves, he kind of 'freezes'. He will wander off and just stand by himself :(

My family blame this behaviour on me being a SAHM. But I have taken him to regular groups and activities from the beginning. In fact, the reason that I became a SAHM is because he found nursery (and then a nanny share) so traumatic. He stopped eating and drinking and making eye contact. At this point we had him assessed by a paediatrician and psychologist. He was 14 months at the time, but neither had any concerns about his development, other than saying he was on the shy side and that I was doing everything I could...

So I am trying really hard now to help him become more sociable. I arrange play dates with his peers, but find they don't really get reciprocated (I'm guessing because the children would rather invite their friends to play, rather than someone who goes to school with them but doesn't play with them). He gets on better when it's just him and one other child, but he still mainly plays alongside rather than with them.

So I was just wondering if anyone else has experienced similar. Other than arranging play dates, is there anything else I can do? I feel so sad for him :(

Can you try social situations / activities that are more structured and less free-play? He might feel more sure of himself then? Or on his own territory? Not wishing to alarm - and bearing in mind you can't diagnose from simple descriptions - but some of his behaviour could suggest autism - the national autism society has lots of resources and advice on their website if you think this is a possibility.

hi iwill

wish I had some advice but I don't, my 3.5 yr old DS is the same. he has no friends, there is at little boy at nursery who desperately wants to be friends with him but DS isn't interested. he has been referred to a pediatrician with concerns about autism.

sorry, that wasn't very helpful but you're not alone.

It does sound like there are reasons to be concerned and regardless of the cause (autism or just a late developer) he could do with some extra support to help him catch up. I would definitely go to your GP and ask for a referral to a developmental Paediatrician. Tell GP that nursery have concerns and list your concerns since birth. I would also recommend you get over to the special needs: children board as there is tons of advice and support there.

I was concerned about autism when he was younger, but less so now. He interacts fine with adults, even those he does not know, and plays nicely with his older cousins (8 and 10). I guess I assumed autism would affect him in these areas too?

Would I need to take him to the gp or could I go without him? He is very attentive and I hate discussing this issue in front of him, as I don't want him to worry about it or pick up on any labels.

I was concerned about autism when he was younger, but less so now. He interacts fine with adults, even those he does not know, and plays nicely with his older cousins (8 and 10). I guess I assumed autism would affect him in these areas too?

Would I need to take him to the gp or could I go without him? He is very attentive and I hate discussing this issue in front of him, as I don't want him to worry about it or pick up on any labels.

I was concerned about autism when he was younger, but less so now. He interacts fine with adults, even those he does not know, and plays nicely with his older cousins (8 and 10). I guess I assumed autism would affect him in these areas too?

Children with Autism are often more comfortable socialising with adults and children a few years older or younger than they are with their peers. My DD2 has AS and would always choose to chat to adults or older children. She doesn't engage with her classmates at school if she can help it.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you being a SAHM. Shoot the next person that tells you that down in flames.

You can't do much to encourage him to socialise apart from offering opportunities.

Social stories could perhaps help him understand and respond more appropriately to the behaviour of his peers.

Have you considered asking for a reassessment? He may need support in school and this is the time to get the ball rolling because it takes months to sort.

Didn't want to read and run! My son is the same as you describe and just wanted to say you're not alone. It's heart wrenching seeing him, the comments that he is so anti-social because I'm a SAHM, the inlaws criticising and comparing with his cousins etc! Not sure what to do either so I'm hoping someone will come along with good advice.

DS is 4.5 and not dissimilar. He likes other children and will 'talk' to them but about random things of his own choosing, not a conversation. He has suspected ASD also and is awaiting a full assessment. He also struggled in some large group situation from very early on and coped much better with slightly older kids or one-to-one. He has done better and improved since doing swimming and gym classes- as suggested above, where you are around other kids but in a quite structured way. If you do suspect ASD I'd get onto a GP about a referral as it does take a v long time - we've been told it could be up to 18m for the fullassessment

are there any social stories that you can recommend?

I haven't ever found any books with social stories that have been appropriate for my DDs. They have never been specific enough to the situations we're talking about and one slight deviation from the reality of the situation is enough for them to dismiss the whole story.

I try to use the social story principle and make my own. Sometimes I will write something but usually it is verbal.

For example, I might explain water play in preschool like this;

At preschool some children like to play with water.

The children wear aprons to keep their clothes dry.

The children enjoy the feeling of the water on their fingers.

George likes to tip the water into the funnels.

Emma likes to splash the water with her hands.

Harry (this could be your child) doesn't like to be splashed.

Harry can ask Emma not to splash.

June (leader) can help Harry to stay dry.

Harry can play with something different if Emma is splashing the water.

Then Harry can have fun with the water when it is quieter and nobody is splashing.

This is a social story that would have been appropriate for my younger DD when she attended preschool but it would need to be adapted in different ways for different children. It's quite long for a social story so I wouldn't make one that is any longer.

I might tell my child this story every morning for a week to help him feel more able to try water play at preschool. I'd also ask the staff to read it in preschool so the message is reinforced and they are aware of what is says and can make sure it happens.

He is much better when activities are structured. He joins in with group time really well at school. It's the free play bit he struggles with.

I might have a word with his teachers again and ask whether they think a trip to the gp might be needed.

I genuinely don't think it is ASD but maybe I am just a bit in denial.

Flowerpup thanks for your post. It is nice to know I am not the only one experiencing this. Are you concerned about asd?

He is much better when activities are structured. He joins in with group time really well at school. It's the free play bit he struggles with.

I might have a word with his teachers again and ask whether they think a trip to the gp might be needed.

I genuinely don't think it is ASD but maybe I am just a bit in denial.

Flowerpup thanks for your post. It is nice to know I am not the only one experiencing this. Are you concerned about asd?

He is much better when activities are structured. He joins in with group time really well at school. It's the free play bit he struggles with.

I might have a word with his teachers again and ask whether they think a trip to the gp might be needed.

I genuinely don't think it is ASD but maybe I am just a bit in denial.

Flowerpup thanks for your post. It is nice to know I am not the only one experiencing this. Are you concerned about asd?

I might have a word with his teachers again and ask whether they think a trip to the gp might be needed.

Teachers/preschool staff are no better qualified than you are to spot high functioning Autism. I have come across literally dozens of parents, myself included twice over, who have been told forcefully by teachers that their child does not have any developmental disorder, only for them to receive a diagnosis months later.

When I was concerned about DD2 I went to the GP without her. I didn't want her to sit and listen to my list of her deficiencies. It was fine and he referred us to CAMHS without seeing her.

You can rest assured that your opinion would be sought at every stage and they don't diagnose children without the parents' agreement. In fact they won't diagnose a child with something like ASD unless they are very sure that it clearly fits the child's profile and a diagnosis would be helpful to them.

So sorry to hear about your family's unsupportive comments! Well done you to listening to your baby and doing what was right for him. I also took a long leave after going back to work for 3 days when my daughter went on hunger strike at nursery and also screamed all night. Those days were some of the worst in my life and still haunt me. Quitting my job and picking up my daughter early from nursery was

... one of the best days. I am just sharing this to say you did the right thing and don't listen to anyone who judges you for it. People are very quick to judge mothers.

Apart from that, I second the other poster who suggested more structured

social situations, or playdates with older children, if he's more comfortable that way. Maybe he likes order and other 3-4 year olds are a bit too much for him (which I can perfectly understand!).

nothing helpful to add but to blame you is disgusting .

Thanks for all your replies and apologies for the multiple posts!

My family (or some of them at least) have been surprisingly unsupportive. I wonder whether they think my decision to be a SAHM is somehow a criticism of their decision not to be, so they are critical/defensive about it. Regardless, it has caused me a lot of upset. One of my sisters always jokes about DS being a 'bit autistic' and it is getting harder to grit my teeth and not say anything!

I think I'll have a chat with our GP. Reassuring to know that I can go by myself rather than take him along. Thanks Goldmandra

There are a couple of birthday parties coming up that he has been invited to, so I'll see how he behaves at those.

My plan of lots of 1-2-1 play dates seems to be paying off a bit. Once he thinks he 'knows' someone then he seems more able to initiate interaction with them. So even if I just say 'we are inviting x round for lunch next week' he'll come home from pre-school the next day to say he played with x because he knows them now.

sanam2010 it's heart breaking isn't it?!

I hated collecting him from the nanny and seeing him pale, sweaty and totally disengaged. She resigned after six weeks saying that she suspected there was something wrong...which is when I decided to leave work. Luckily I got voluntary redundancy so we had a bit of a financial cushion, but that is long gone now!

I'll never question the decision I made as I know it was the right one, but it frustrates me when my family refuse to believe me. They think I left work because I was a big softie who felt sad leaving her (happy) baby every day. Grrr.