Friends daughter bites mine

[findingherfeet]

I guess this might be a bit obvious but I'm not sure what to do, my really good friend has a little girl close in age to my daughter who is 2yrs 4 months and we spend quite a lot of time together.

The girls are always excited to see and play with each other but really struggle to share things at times (on both parts) it can escalate into a screaming tug of war over certain toys and if I don't get there quick enough my girl gets bitten - really quite hard (draws blood/bruises)

My friend does tell her LO off but she doesn't seem to take any notice, her speech isn't very good so my friend asking her to say sorry seems a bit pointless (because then all the focus becomes about waiting for her to apologies, which she doesn't)

I just worry that my little girl is a bit confused as to why I don't tell her friend off and asks me why she doesn't say sorry etc and is understandably confused as to whether her little friend likes her

I've pretty much stopped going to their house now but we go to a number of groups together, I don't feel it's my place to tell the other child off and I know this is 'normal' two year old behaviour but its been going on too long (a year at least) and its just not on!!! Argh help?!?!?

I'm surprised your dd is excited to see the other little girl. I have a good friend who's DS hit, bit and threw things at my dd repeatedly and she is terrified of him.
If neither of you can prevent it from happening when they are together, then I think you need to keep away from them until she grows out of it unfortunately, for the sake of your dd. I made this difficult choice when I realised my friend wasn't making it clear enough to her Ds that his behaviour was unacceptable. She was given a considerable amount of support because his biting etc got so bad. This included a visit from the local children's centre worker, to show her how. She was very upset by his behaviour, but didn't seem to be following the advice offered. Now I just see her without the dc where possible.

Thank you, you're right of course. And yes, oddly the girls have so much fun for the most of the time that my daughter talks about her a lot and gets excited to see her (then disappointed when it goes wrong)

I really think my friend needs to be doing a bit more, I've been as reassuring as I can be but that doesn't mean it's ok!

I will keep as much of a distance as poss

I would remove my child and take what ever toy the other child was playing with while saying no biting. But actually that child needs to be on the naughty step straight away or if the biting is repeated, child needs to be taken home without fuss.

Many years ago now, my dd1 was bitten quite badly a few times by my slightly older cousin, once on the face, there were swollen red teeth-marks. I too felt that the cousin's mum wasn't doing enough to prevent him from hurting dd.
Roll on a few years, and my dd2 turned out to be a biter, and for quite a prolonged time. I was very strict, and had to be very vigilant and watch her like a hawk, but it took her a long time to learn :( I remember being at my wits' end over it.
Later, she was diagnosed with an ASD, as was the cousin eventually. I now know that biting is a sensory seeking behaviour in children with ASD, and it takes much longer (and often a different approach) to learn to stop undesirable behaviour.
It's normal enough for toddlers to go through a biting phase, but in my (admittedly limited) experience it's a bit unusual to carry it on for 1 year plus and that coupled with your friend's dd's apparent speech delay makes me wonder if ASD might be a factor here?
This is just my take on it, and obviously I'm heavily biased by my own experience.
Also if ASD is present, this does not make it ok for your dd to be hurt and I'm not suggesting that for a moment. A useful phrase which I like to teach small children is "I am not for hurting"/"I am not for biting", you can tell dd she is not for hurting when comforting her after an incident, and get her to say it to the offender because it may empower dd and get the message across more than trying to coax an unfelt/unsaid "sorry".

her slightly older cousin! not mine :)

Thank you toecheese (mmmm!!) I wasn't sure if I should intervene other than to obviously remove my child but that seems fair enough and I think next time it happens we will go home (without being too stroppy but think it gives weird messages to my daughter that I accept the behaviour to just ignore it and continue playing)

That's really interesting alfalf, I have wondered about my friends little girl and her behaviour, she doesn't seem to 'learn' in a similar way to other young children I know and is very impulsive but I partly think I struck lucky with quite an obedient child who on the whole listens to me!

I guess that is something we will just wait and see about. Other than the biting she is a lovely (albeit lively!) girl who I am very fond of. I hope it's a short lived thing, bites are at least not so frequent...(!)

A year of biting dies strike me as a long time. Surely it has dawned on the mum that whatever methods she is using, they clearly aren't working.
You must avoid her.
I myself , would Tell her the truth. That you can't have your dd being hurt and that you're looking forward to seeing her again when her dd stops biting.

My DS is/was a biter and really fixated on one friend, to the point where he bit/tried to bite him nearly every time they played in the same room.
We broke the fixation by having a total break from that child for about a month, at the same time being much much firmer with him whenever he showed aggression of any kind. We left the room immediately every time. We also read several books about biting - 'Doodles Bites' is a great one about the bitey bitey crocodile from Tilly & Friends (CBeebies).

He bit for well over a year from 1yo-2.5. I hovered constantly, always took him out if he bit, always told him off firmly, blah blah blah, it didn't seem to register with him - like AlfAlf's DD, it seemed to be a sensory thing.
Improvement in his behaviour often goes with improvement in speech, and he will still lash out now at 2.7 as he can't use his words when he's frustrated/angry.

He hasn't bitten anyone for ages now, a good few months, but he's had breaks before so I still watch him like a hawk (esp as he now hits instead...).

I seriously recommend you take a break from play dates with your friend's DC, but she needs to put in some serious legwork too.

I have had the bitee and the bitten, and I felt much worse when I was the mum of the bitee.

I also don't think forcing them to say sorry is necessarily helpful, particularly if they already have speech issues, when getting them to talk is already an issue.
One of my friends was very hot on saying "sorry" for her dc. One of the dc it came to be sorry=I've done something wrong and don't want to be told off-later sorry was said at the same time, or even before doing whatever he knew he shouldn't. That was very hard for the mum to deal with because he felt he'd mitigated doing it because he'd said "sorry".
And as you'd said, focussing on getting them to say one word gives them all the attention, and puts the child in a positive position.

A year might be a long time to bite, but I think that could just as much be that they started early (16 months is early ime) rather than actually it's a long time.

You do need to both pay attention, be ready to move in at the first sign of arguments.
What I would do from your side is, if she is bitten, take your dc off and lavish attention on them. Make sure they get the toy they were fighting over.
And I would cut back on seeing each other.

But 2.4yo is still young-in fact still young enough for your dc to start being the bitee in future. So be careful about what you say to your friend because it could return to bite you on the bottom.