Friends Mental Breakdown over DDs behaviour

[ItsDecisionTime]

My good friend has suffered a mental breakdown caused entirely by the inexplicable bad behaviour of her 10yo DD. This child behaves perfectly well in school and when at friends houses (including mine) but is an absolute nightmare at home. She has always been badly behaved but as she gets older, it's become worse. Her parents have tried all the normal tactics to try to get to the bottom of it and have also implemented various punishments but absolutely nothing works. Her DD is physically and verbally violent with every family member. She hits, swears, shouts, lies, steals and wets herself purely for spite. They are just a regular family, mum, dad and older sister. It's not like she's doing it for attention as she gets all the attention anyway. Her older sister who is 12, is the complete opposite to her in every respect. My friend is at a loss as to where to go for help and has started smoking to help her get through the stress of each day. Has anyone else been through similar circumstances and where did you go for help? Thank you.

Are CAMHS involved with her daughter? if not that would be a place to start. She would need to speak to her GP to start that process.

From your post the fact that her daughter intentionally wets herself stood out as particularly unusual for a child her age. She is clearly able to control her behaviour as she does when she needs to such as at school. I would personally wonder what she is so angry/unhappy about that is making her act out in this way.

I am wondering if counselling would benefit her, hopefully CAMHS would be able to provide that but there is a long waiting list. The fact that your friend has suffered mental health problems herself while trying to cope with her daughter's behaviour should hopefully get them seen faster as it really makes it clear that this family need help.

The GP is really the first stop but she does need professional advice. Has she spoken to the school about her concerns? I hope she is able to get some help and support it must be a very difficult situation.

Thank you. I'd never head of that organisation and will certainly suggest to my friend that she seeks advice from her GP.

CAMHS is child and adolescent mental health services and you can get a referral from a doctor. Waiting lists can be long though but they seem to be best placed to help.

They may also suggest a paediatrician which also has a waiting list although generally less than CAMHS (or at least it is where I am). A paediatrician might be a good bet for a general well being check for the child and the start of a plan of how to support her and the family in the future.

Paediatrician's referrals also come from your GP, some GPs are more willing to refer than others. Sometimes it take a fight to get the help that is needed.

There's no way she is badly treated at home. Quite the opposite in fact. Her mother is a teaching assistant at the local nursery and has been for 6 years. She is extremely articulate, knowledgeable and patient - way beyond the point I am with my own DD. I can say with 100% certainty that she possibly has had one of the best upbringings I have ever seen.

Thank you Goose for the suggested information. I will certainly pass it on.

I know several people who have had or come close to having breakdowns due to the behaviour of their DCs and those DCs do usually behave like angels in school and other places outside home.

Every one of those children has some sort of Autism. High functioning Autism or Asperger's is very easy to miss and schools are often dismissive of the possibility because they don't see it. However it is usually stress about school that causes the appalling behaviour at home.

Your friend needs to Google Asperger's and Tony Attwood because he writes about girls who are picked up late in life because they cover their symptoms in order to fit in socially. If it starts to ring any bells for her, suggest that she implements strategies that are used to support children with ASD, e.g. visual prompts, direct language, warnings of transitions, keeping consistent routines, reducing sensory input, using fiddle toys and weighted objects, etc. Also get her to ask her DD to describe how she feels in school, particularly the sensory and social environments, and see if there's anything that can be done to reduce her stress there. That reduction in stress will eventually have an impact on her behaviour at home.

Get her to keep a diary of her DD's behaviour, including any possible triggers, what behaviour management techniques she is using and how her DD responds to them. This will help a CAMHS assessment whatever happens because it paints a better picture of the severity of the situation than parents can usually get across in a verbal conversation.

Forgot to say that a CAMHS or paediatrician referral could trigger an assessment for ASD if it is considered appropriate.

The mother isn't the only other person at home, there is the father and big sister.

Something is going on at home that you don't know about. She is well behaved everywhere except with her family at home - sounds very odd.

Apologies Polter I am sure you are right. But just in case there is a problem within the family that the OP doesn't know about maybe OP should look in to that as well.

Inadream that is a really horribly offensive and ignorant thing to say.

DD is being assessed for PDA, she is perfectly pleasant at school and friends' houses, she holds her explosive rage in and lets it out at home because home is a safe environment.

We finally have a an appointment next month, a whole year after her initial assessment. An unbeleivably long waiting list.

She sounds deeply unhappy to me. I wonder why she is so unhappy? Could it be that the eldest is so well behaved that the youngest feels she can never measure up? I think some counselling is needed. Also the mum should start to read highly rated books on amazon about parenting a preteen/child/teen

It was what I was thinking Toecheese, the 'baby" of the family competing at some level with her big sister. Sounds a very extreme reaction though.

I was brought up with a brother like this, he was popular and bright at school, friend and family genuinely thought he was the loveliest boy. He was utterly vile to life with, a horrible, jealous control freak who manipulated and lied his way through every situation.

My mum pandered to his every need as she was frightened of him from a very young age. At six years of age he threw a heavy object from his bedroom window opened it wide and his under his bed so my mum ran upstairs and thought he had jumped out. Every time she went upstairs he would shout that something was on fire so she always had to run down to check. I was largely ignored as he demanded so much time and left home at 17 to escape the hell.

My DM sought no help, there was no CAMHS then anyway. Looking back he has obvious traits of autism.

He has never sought any help as an adult and is much, much worse now. He ruined my parents marriage and brings heartache at every step.

I really hope your friend and her daughter get the help they need to allow her to function at home. I really feel for them.

To those who always assume their must be something going on at home, I believe this is to protect themselves, that I couldn't happen to them. It could and it is my biggest fear for my DC.