am I letting ds down because he has no regular playmates?

[Heathcliffscathy]

The background to this is that I don't have any friends from early in my life....don't have particularly fond memories of either primary or secondary school, and a few very good friends, mostly made in adulthood.

I don't want that for ds: i want him to have really good friends that have known him all his life, i don't want him to have the trouble that I have had with friendships in short.

he is 2.9 and goes to a nursery 2 afternoons a week, but will start going three mornings a week in september. I was talking to someone yesterday and they said: 'does he have any playmates?'

the answer is no

there aren't any kids his age that we see regularly. I have friends with kids but not many, and a lot of them work full time (i'm a sahm and part time student: i have about 10 hours away from ds during the week in total). He has a couple of friends that are girls, but he doesn't see them that regularly as they are nursery most of the time and one of them lives a long way away.

i feel awful about this, as if i've let him down by not throwing myself into the sahm scene. i didn't do nct so don't have that which a lot of people seem to have. I did a couple of mother and toddler groups, but found it v hard to force myself into socialising with mums that i only had motherhood in common with iyswim.

will he make friends at nursery when it's more regular? am i damaging him because he doesn't have playdates with kids here and at theirs on a regular basis? i'm in a bit of a tis about this and would appreciate all comments.

My story is very similar to you, have a distict lack of friend even now. My dd is 4.5 and has a few friends now, but at the age your ds is she didn't really have any. I think at that age they are still playing alongside, rather than with iyswim. My dd is due to start reception in september and I am hoping that that will signify the start of true friendships forming.

I worry about this too. My ds is only 21mo now, so a bit young for really socialising, but it does play on my mind a bit.

I've no idea how to encourage that kind of sociability, although I did read this book , which suggests that they need to have it sorted out by the time they are 5yo as it's v hard to learn later.

Otoh I don't think many friendships continue from school to adulthood - what are the chances that you'd still have anything in common by then?

I'm sure your ds will learn plenty of social skills at nursery. Do they really have "friends" at this age anyway? I think a lot of the talk about babies' and toddlers' "little friends" is more about the mum's popularity iyswim. I don't think very small children particularly need that kind of company.

Sophable I think it's very early to be worrying about this. From my experience children who have friends they see regularly at this age are socialising more because the mothers get on than because the children are yearning to spend time together. Your ds is at nursery so learning to be with other children and socialise.

Perhaps you could speak to the nursery once he's gone up to three mornings and ask who he seems to click with and try and set up some weekend playdates - I also found birthday parties were good opportunities to get to know the parents of nursery friends.

I think your desire to enable your ds to have friends he's known all his life is lovely but probably won't happen. Friendships are very fluid for the first few years - my ds (6) has a couple of friends who he's known since brith but that's purely by happy accident as I and two of my best friends had boys within 6 months of each other. Of his two closest nursery friends - one is a girl and although they still play together they have inevitably got different interests, and we see the other very rarely because they are at different schools now.

I dont think friends at this age are vital. Of course it's good for him to start mixing with others but I think its too young to have friends as such. My DS (now 3.9) just likes someone to play with now and again - could be someone he's just playing with in the park aswell as someone he's known for a while.

3 mornings a week at nursery is fine for now for your DS to mix with others. Then he'll go to school and get to make friends there when he's ready to make friends.

I really dont think you've let him down, please dont feel bad about not having regular playdates. He'll be getting lots of chances to play at nursery.

Aaah sophable-please don't let it worry you so much. I do understand why you have these fears, as we don't want our children to have the same negative childhood experiences we did. Your son is still young. He goes to nursery so is learning how to play and bond with children there.
My dd is 3 and when she was in a daycare type nursery she never met up with the children there outside nursery. She's now in a pre-school(attached to a school) and it is alot more sociable. It's easier to get to know parents and we do meet up with some of her friends out of preschool.
It will get easier as he gets older and starts school. The main thing at this age is them wanting to spend time with their mum/dad. If they see you being happy and friendly with your friends, they will pick up on that. If your child is happy and confident then he will have friends. I think these days it's all gone a bit crazy with parties and playdates, that parents feel that their children will not have friends and will be be unpopular/unhappy if not invited to these.
As your ds gets older you could invite a few friends over for his birthday and slowly build up a few friendships, but for now just enjoy your little boy!

ds is 14 months and doesn't see any children at all on a regular basis. We live in a pretty conservative small town - we've only been here for 2 years and will be moving away again in less than a year - and the mentality is not very conducive to making friends. I did go to one session of a M&T group, but the children were mostly quite a bit older than ds and the situation was geared towards them, oplus I had absolutely zilch in common with any of the people there. It was also a chunk out of my day as I work FT (but flexibly), and dh (who's a SAHD) didn't want to go. I'm not at all worried about it yet. For a 2.9yo I would say the 2 afternoons of nursery a week supply the interaction with other children he needs. I at your phrase 'sahm scene' - I have a dear friend, ds' godmother (sahm, in a place where there is a huge choice of activities/groups etc.) who always asks me with a slightly anxious undertone if ds is going to any groups and talks about the ones she goes to with her nearly 2yo - at first it used to bother me and I wondered whether I should go to a group for the sake of it, but now I tend to think that my friend is rather sucked into the sahm circuit and while that might be very nice, ds is not going to be damaged if I'm not. I tend to think the real phasefor friendships will come when he's about 3 and will start to go to kindergarten.
BTW, my experience of school/friendships is exactly the same as yours, and it is sad in a way, but I think the main thing is that we have good friendships now and thus are 'living' examples of friendship to our children.

god he is only tiny
ds3 only has mates of the older dsses
nto one he likes altho he is partial to a couple fom hei new preschool
he is 3.5 in spet

when he is in his preschool eyar itd be nice to make a mate or tow
btu at that age you can get the mum to leave the kid nad let them play at yours for half an hour then YOU are in charge - this stops all those parenting hoo has you read about on mn

thank you so much all of you. the question yesterday (does he have playmates) really threw me. actually it was from a prospective nanny, i'm wondering now about what was behind the question....

maybe she was wondering how much to-ing and fro-ing on playdates she'd need to do?
Or maybe she prefers playdates to amusing her charges herself?
Or maybe she hates them?

I bet the question's much more to do with her than what she thinks of your ds.

I can completely relate to you Sophable, I don't have any long-standing friends and ones I did have before we moved 100 miles from where I grew up have no children. We moved when ds was 4 but he hadn't made any friends at that age to miss - his bonds only started when he went into Reception and spent more time with the same group of children, and I am now friendly with a couple of Mums from ds's class (that took a couple of terms before I found friendship with Mums that I could relate to, whereas some formed cliques from day one, but I'm not like that).

You are definitely not letting him down in any way!

sophable - is your ds an only child? I think alot of kids learn the basics of getting on with others via siblings, and since dd is an only, I've been motivated to make an effort so she can learn about sharing, taking turns etc.

Do you do any classes with him - like Tumbletots, music etc? That, and nursery, could help him/you in being around others. Hopefully, a friendship will evolve naturally from one of those places, and you won't have to feel anxious that you're not forcing yourself to do more.