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Original poster

Help my DS (5) and me deal with his anger out bursts

11 replies

jigglebum · 09/01/2014 09:26

I would appreciate any advice on how to help DS deal with his occasional anger outbursts. He is a good boy generally - bright, articulate, loving and although sometimes naughty he generally responds quickish to being told off and stops. However, occasionally a real "red midst" seems to descend and he loses it - a bit like a toddler tantrum and I would like to come up with some strategies to help him self calm when this happens.

If I give an example it may help. This morning he was playing very happily with his trains when I said it was shoes and coat time for school. He started to whinge and complain that he had not had enough time to play with his trains but as it was time to leave for school I just repeated it was time to go and he could play more after school. Suddenly he started to shout and try to swing his coat at me in real anger to hit me. I sent him to the step at the bottom of the stairs to calm down for 2 minutes (we rarely use this) - I shouted too (I shouldn't have) and he went and sat on the stairs but raged and sobbed his heart out, saying he hated me etc but then saying he couldn't help it, he wanted to stop and be calm but he couldn't help it. He often says this - I can't help it - it is as if his anger has taken him over. I feel he needs a way of dealing with the start of the anger to stop it flaring up and then if it does flare up a way to calm down effectively. I also need to help him rather than shout at him I feel. Any tips very gratefully received. Thanks

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Original poster
jigglebum · 09/01/2014 13:18

bump

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DeWe · 09/01/2014 13:44

If that's a typical reason for setting him off, then I sympathise, because my ds is very similar, although he's growing out of it now he's 6yo. He hates stopping to do something he's enjoying even to go to do something he loves.

I give him time updates as to when we need to leave. So when he first comes in from school, I would say "you can do XXX but at 3:40-that's half an hour, we need to leave." I then point to the clock, show him the time and tell him at what time we need to leave. He'll say fine at that point. Grin.
I then give him a 15 minute warning. Still fine. Then a 5 minute warning-which may be fine, or he may swear blind that he hasn't had 25 minutes. So I show him the clock, and that usually deflates him.
I usually will then say "right, it's almost time, finish what you're on." That's a point where some negotiation can happen. If he says he's (eg) just on the last minute of a game. I will let him finish. If it's more than about 2 minutes then I almost never would agree. If it's something that will take less than a minute, I'll let him, but nothing that is any length of time. Sometimes it will be along the lines of "if you can get your coat and shoes on quickly, you can do XXX on the way".
Usually he's fine now, if I've given warning, but it used to take 10 minutes from that point to get him (very cross) in the car.
Now it's usually taking only a couple of minutes and he's sometimes sulky, but not usually cross.

I did recently sit him down and point out that because I can't rely on him stopping straight away, I have to get him ready early. That means that I'm stopping him 10 minutes sooner than I really need to, because I have to have those 10 minutes spare in case he isn't cooperative.
That does seem to have really hit home, and he's been much better since I said that-but he wouldn't have taken it in a year ago.

Original poster
jigglebum · 09/01/2014 13:54

Thanks dewe for your reply. I do try to give time warnings as I know they find it frustrating to have to up and leave something when they are in the middle of it. I wasn't very specific this morning though so will make sure I am - he can tell the time (simple half hours etc) so I can use that. Still not sure what to do to help him once he "sees red"

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Original poster
jigglebum · 09/01/2014 17:20

bump for the evening crowd! As I would really appreciate advice on this.

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Toecheese · 11/01/2014 01:14

Instead of just saying 'no we need to put the toys away and go' try ...

giving a five min warning or using a timer with an alarm 'you have 4 mins on timer and when it goes off we need to leave for school'

And then say 'I know you are really enjoying playing with those trains but we have to collect x from school quickly as the teacher wants go home too' so acknowledge how much he is enjoying a toy. Explain why you need to go.

Lastly (but a very important point) explain to your child when he can next play with the trains. 'We need to stop playing now and get daughter but would you like to play with the train again when we get back?'

Toecheese · 11/01/2014 01:18

My kids can cope with quite a long time gap 'ok your 5 mins is up, we need to leave the park now to collect xxx. Would you like to come back to the park next Thursday? I can see you've really enjoyed the swings'

PPaka · 11/01/2014 01:19

You have to acknowledge his anger

It works, honestly
"I know you're angry because you can't play with your toys"
"I can see you're really cross because you just want to play"
Try not to start the best sentence with but.

Toecheese · 11/01/2014 01:27

If my DS sees red I generally walk off and avoid giving my attention. At home I will put DS in his room. I will tell him I'm happy to talk to him about things but only once he is calm. I also tell him HE CAN CHOOSE to talk about things nicely/behave nicely and come out if his room OR behave badly and stay in his room till he changes his mind.

Give lots of praise for coming out of room and behaving nicely.

Toecheese · 11/01/2014 01:29

But also if the tantrum is a product if exhaustion, he might just need a cuddle and a little rest.

Original poster
jigglebum · 11/01/2014 14:39

Thanks for all your advice everyone - mornings are always a little fraught - getting DS out to school with a DD (2) as well so I need to allow plenty of time and give warnings. He does respond very well to positive comments so will try more of that but I think when he has actually "lost it" there is very little I can do but give him space to calm back down again like toecheese said and not respond to the anger, only praise when he is calm and responding again. I will look at that book too - looks interesting - thanks tambaboy

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