4yr old DS fixated on one friend

[Rightojo]

I would really appreciate some advice/tips on how best to tackle this as I am at a bit of a loss.

DS has known this little boy since he was very little (I am friends with his Mum and we have spent a considerable amount of time with them). He went to the same nursery which is where we first noticed that it was a bit of a problem. DS talked about him perpetually and would only play with. His friend would say quite unkind things about him and exclude him but still DS wanted to be his friend. We mentioned it to his keyworker who spent some time talking about playing with children who are kind to us etc but there was no change. DS finally began playing with others right at the end of his time there when his 'friend' was away for a long period of time.

Anyway, now they are at school together and the problem has continued. The only person he talks about is this little boy and he isn't interested in playing with anyone who isn't associated with him. The little boy continues to be pretty horrible to him (understandable as he probably feels very overwhelmed by DS's behaviour). I have mentioned to his teacher that he is struggling to make other friends. She said that he was interacting with others in class but that she would mention it to the playground staff. We have had a couple of playdates but these haven't been successful in establishing relationships. We have chatted alot about how much fun it can be to play with different people but DS says that all he can think about is this particular friend.

We are at the point now that we have even considered changing schools, though I am pretty sure that he would find someone else to fixate on. His interactions with children outside of school (friend's kids and cousins) are pretty positive and he really enjoys the company. I would really welcome any suggestions and advice.

Many thanks in advance and sorry for the long post.

I would not change schools...this sort of thing is more common than you think. My DD is almost 6 and in year 1 and one of her friends did this to her...from preschool onwards. The only difference was that DDs friend was being mean as well as overbearing.

It carried on into school and is JUST begining to wane after I coached DD for the last 2 years on how to play with who she wants to without allowing this child to dominate her.

My point is that in social development it's quite normal. Carry on as you are...keep having playdates and give DS strategies to work out who else he might play with...he's using the other boy as a safety zone of sorts I expect...and that will be because he's not yet confident socially. Help DS to grow socially by introducing him to some other activities outside school and little challenges such as having a go at something new now and then.

Thank you for the response. We really don't want to change schools as it is generally lovely and It's reassuring that it is not an uncommon thing. I do know it is a safety net and he is not socially confident in larger groups. The problem is that he is adamant that he will not try to play with other children, that they all have other friends and that he "just thinks about ...". So I feel like I am hitting a brick wall. Arranging kids for play dates is a bit like picking random names as he shows no interest in having anyone other than this child over. He has also began to get jealous of other friendships this little boy has. He is very socially confident.

I am finding it all a bit heartbreaking. Was your DD the fixater or the one being fixated on? Did you limit contact outside of school?

He has just started new swimming lessons in a small group. There is a slightly younger boy there who he is having a ball with, so that's positive.

My dd made a friend in the first week of reception and she ended up becoming fixated on her. It got rather intense and I knew the other girl felt overwhelmed. I encouraged other friendships as did school but to no avail. The teacher put them into different classes when they moved to y1 and it was the best decision and did her the world of good. She made a new 'best friend' quickly and as y1 went on, she found it easier to widen her circle of friends. She's now in y2 bad still has the same bf but also a great bunch if other friends too. For my dd it was a maturity issue.

Thanks sugarPlump. I wish we had option of another class but it is a one form intake. I thought that was a good thing ! I am sure maturity has alot to do with it but I do find the intensity of it quite unnerving. Do your DD and the initial best friend have anything to do with one another now?

They didn't really in y1. It fizzled out surprisingly quickly! The friend ended up moving to another school but we still meet up occasionally and the girls get on beautifully :).

If I didn't like the little boy's Mum so much I would be willing them to move away . Was it easy for you to get the school to take it seriously? I honestly don't think that our situation is going to alter without some kind of intervention.

My DD was the one who was fixated upon...she was quite happy to play with the other child but it was sort of stunting her other friendships as the child would not let anyone else near DD. I wasn't going to tell the teachers "Don't let that child play with mine" as she was and still is a small girl...learning her social skills and I just wanted my DD to learn how to stand up to her a bit.

IN your case, I would make an appointment to talk about DS's social development. The teachers and assistants CAN do something. They could for instance encourage him actively to play with other children...they could try to look out for when he might be feeling lost...and make sure he joins in with some other children.

Yes Awful, I feel for the little boy, he is well able to make other friends but is definitely feeling stifled by DS as a shadow.

I will make an appointment tomorrow with DS's teacher and try to coherently let her know our concerns.

That's it....ask them what plans they have if any...for helping DS to socialise better and if they have none, then ask what they might suggest. They have a duty to help...socialisation is JUST as important as writing...if not more.

One final question. What are your thoughts on limiting the amount of time that DS spends with this friend outside of school? On the one hand it seems cruel to deny him any contact with his one 'friend' but on the other hand if it is going to help him...

I would limit it yes. To help DS to move away...it's not cruel because it's holding him back. You don't need to mention your plans to DS of course, just tail the meetings off...tell the other Mum why...she'll understand.

Sorry to come back to this but I wondered if anyone knew of any good books to read with DS about friendships and jealousy? A bit of a long shot I know but I feel that I am not doing a very good job of giving a good explanation to him.

I had a chat with his teacher who is going to try to buddy him up with other kids in the classroom and I have spoken with the 'friend's' Mum about it all. We also have a couple of playdates (for want of a better word) arranged. This morning we had a complete jealous outburst from DS because another little girl is going to the friend's house this afternoon.