DS (4.9) and friendships

[TheNightIsDark]

DS started school in September. We then had to move him to a more local school in November as old school were failing him massively.

Since nursery he has always been a bit 'over powering' with friends. He doesn't understand that they won't always play how he wants them to etc. he was always in demand to play with though.

Since school I've asked everyday if he played surf anyone nice. Sometimes he says yes but more often than not he gets really sad and says that he tried but no one wanted to play with him.

He had a friend round before Xmas and it was a nightmare. He was showing her all his things etc then wandered off. I said "DS you invited X round to play, please go and play with her". He said that he just wanted to be left alone and that X kept wanting to play with him.

He doesn't seem to understand social skills at all. He's fairly bright, beginning to read, adding and subtracting to 10, very verbal but no social skills whatsoever.

He's absolutely brilliant with babies and small children. He will sit and talk to them and play for ages. Adults he likes too and will talk and play. It's just really children his own age.

Is this normal for his age? Is it worth talking to his teacher about?

Do you have any other concerns about his development? I only ask because you've described how my DD2 behaves and she has Asperger's syndrome.

Children with AS tend to find it much easier to play with adults or much younger children because the expectations of them in terms of social skills are much lower.

You can use social stories to help children understand social rules and see things from the point of view of the other child. It's a long term project but it can help.

If you have concerns you would be better asking your GP for a referral to a developmental or community paediatrician for an assessment. Teachers aren't qualified to express opinions on diagnoses.

What the teacher could do is use mentoring, role playing, modelling and social stories in school to support his social skills because, whatever the reason, he is clearly struggling and it is a part of the curriculum that they should be supporting.

Yes. He plays imaginatively but with limits eg. There is a storyline but he gets cross if I deviate from it. He still lines cars up in a straight line, if I turn one slightly sideways he puts it straight back. He can't read facial expressions very easily. Sometimes he will comfort someone crying but other times he will laugh at them.
He's not overly rules obsessed though. Or if he is he ignores mine! Very self centred, not so much limited by what he likes though. No real long lasting obsessions.
He will randomly lash out if people are annoying him. We have talked through this and come up with a strategy.
Fussy with food, doesn't eat chips if they have touched beans for example, won't eat food in a sauce eg bolognese.
He can't wait his turn in a conversation. It looks physically painful for him and he just blurts out whatever. He doesn't join in well with groups. At his party he hid in the corridor whilst the other children played despite him begging for months for a party.

On the whole he hasn't got a huge amount of warning signs for ASD. I have mentioned it to the dr and his previous school mentioned it but weren't prepared to assess him. They just sent him out of class if he wasn't acting the same as the other children

Sorry that was a bit of a ramble.

On the whole he hasn't got a huge amount of warning signs for ASD.

I'm not sure that's the case if you're considering children on the higher functioning end of the spectrum.

I think you need to look into Asperger's a bit more deeply. Schools often fail to acknowledge difficulties related to AS because children with the condition often cover a lot of their symptoms in school in an effort to fit in socially. However the toll that takes on the child can be enormous.

Consider carefully how you think he will cope in school as he moves up the key stages. My DD2 outwardly coped well in Reception, was OK in KS1 although her anxiety was climbing at home and her difficulties became more overt. Now she's in Y6 she has full time one to one TA support despite being very academically able. If you think your DS will need support in school, now would be a very good time to get the ball rolling as it can take years to get the right support in place. The fact that they were sending him out of the classroom is totally inappropriate and an indicator that he may need support. | hope his new teacher is not doing it.

The lack of obsessions is a minor point against diagnosis, although it's the depth of the obsession rather than the length, e.g. my DD2 is so obsessed with dogs that she only wanted to invite children to her birthday party who could bring their dogs.

Children with ASD don't generally lack empathy. They simply don't see the signs or misinterpret them.

I don't want to be seen as selling ASD to you or diagnosing remotely but I do think you need to perhaps get hold of some more information about AS (Tony Attwood writes brilliantly about it) and see if your perception changes. Also Google ASD Friendly and read some of the posts on this forum for parents of children with all levels of ASD.

If I look into HFA he ticks more boxes IYSWIM. I've been saying it since he was 2 but as my MIL was his nursery manager his key worker was too scared to take it further.

The old school also mentioned ADHD. The new school are brilliant. They've had to sit him under the 'thinking tree' once but he spat at a boy ( he knows it's not ok) because the boy wouldn't leave him alone.

I might see if I can have a chat with the teacher. He's not an angel though and I don't want to look as though I'm finding excuses for his behaviour!

He's not an angel though and I don't want to look as though I'm finding excuses for his behaviour!

You're not looking for excuses. You're exploring reasons and, if you come up with some answers, you will help them and your DS.

Just be aware that a lot of parents get told that their child is fine by teachers before getting a diagnosis following a proper assessment.

HFA and AS are very interchangeable depending on the area you're in. Some diagnose AS if there was no speech delay and others if the child has no serious learning difficulties. Others now don't diagnose AS at all.

The new school do sound much better. It makes such a difference.

Intellectually he's where he should be, perhaps a bit ahead in some things thanks to having such a good memory he can remember what a random relative gave him the christmas he was 2 etc.

He was speaking 3-4 word sentences just after he turned 1 so people have always seen a very articulate child and I think sometimes there's a stereotype around the autistic spectrum that people expect a child to either be sat in a corner flapping their hands or be a complete genius who doesn't speak IYSWIM.

I will try to make an appointment with his teacher tomorrow. It might just be that's he's still settling in to the new environment. He's definitely happier though. He had become so naughty and anxious at the last school he would cry most nights about having to go in the next day

Thank you for replying to my posts btw

You're welcome. I hope this all works out well for you and him.