Finding ways to channelling 4 year old's aggression

[hovis21]

My 4yo has been getting crosser and crosser of late. It usually stems from him not getting his way, or when we pull him up on inappropriate behaviour. As with many toddlers he lashes out physicallly - hitting, scratching, stomping of feet, throwing of toys.

We're looking for ways to channel this aggression in more positive ways and would appreciate any suggestions from t'internet. We do tallk to him about this and urge him to find other ways to express himself when he is cross.

So far our list of solutions to give him are:

If he really has to hit something, it must be a cushion or pillow. We're thinking we might actually have a special cushion for this purpose.

If he's cross he can go and bash the hell out of my drumkit, that way he can learn a skill in the process of letting off steam.

Sitting down with him and seeing if he can draw/paint what he's feeling when he's cross.

Any other ideas much appreciated.

We're also looking at ways to change our behaviour as parents to try and help e.g. trying to be more patient with him when he wants to do something, reducing the number of times we ask him to do the same thing.

Again, any general tips would be lovely to read, we know it's a two way street. The nipper in question is not in school, is tall for his age and has (we think) become a something of a big fish in a small pond at nursery as he is one of the oldest/biggest.

I would suggest doing nothing that is channelling aggression.

Punching a cushion is still punching. It's still reinforcing that idea that angry = hitting.

When mine are really wound up, we get them to exercise. We are fortunate that we have a treadmill so they can get a good run, release some endorphins.

A run round the park or garden, star jumps, anything that gets his heart racing.

4 yr old is not a toddler. He throws violent tantrums when told off or not getting his way. This is not acceptable. I wouldn't be looking to channel this but to stop it. Children can feel cross and frustrated. They need to learn to use words and find ways to calm down. Imagine this problem with a 15 yr old?!

learn him to take deep breaths if he feels angry / hitting - takes time but just thinking he has to do this step sometimes breaks the cycle and his focus on hitting.

swimming, walking, looking after animals or giving him tasks may help.

Book - hands are not for hitting is good.

Also, easy to carry on talking / chastising after the event. Give him a consequence of his actions, make sure you follow it through if he hits etc, talk about what he did wrong and why it is wrong (not just naughty). Then say shall we start again. The fresh start helps everyone wind down and "start again".

I wouldn't allow hitting of any kind - it sometimes confuses.

Obviously you can't let it continue, but I do believe in part it is hormones and them feeling out of control in a situation. So not being soft, I also feel a little sympathy for them.

Hope it's just a phase!

He needs to deal with the energy when it arises and needs to be taught how. Doing exercise is no good if it's bedtime for example!

My ds gets aggressive when he's tired, although he doesn't mean it. Ie he half heartedly tries to hit me. However I pull him in for a cuddle and help him talk through his feelings.

The rest of the time, he doesn't actually lash out.

So work out if there are triggers eg tiredness or hunger then help him manage it. Tell him calmly and in as few words as possible, what he should do.

I remember seeing something on '3 day nanny' where a kid had his problem & they encouraged him to go into a play tent (he already had) in his room to breathe & calm down.

You could also maybe look into martial arts classes as I believe they teach about calmness, focusing & that hitting in anger isn't good. (Never done much myself, maybe watched too much karate kid!)

Thanks folks, all very useful.

I should add, it isn't a daily thing...it's just been getting more frequent over the last month so i thought i'd see what mumsnet might have to say.

He doesn't always hit, sometimes it stops with him throwing toys etc...which we then take away for a certain time (explaining why we're doing it in the process). We always explain what is happening and what is/isn't acceptable.

We know some of it is hormonal, him being tired...we just wondered if there were things we could do that we haven't thought of.

Half the reason i posted is my wife suggested the idea of the cushion...which i questioned because i was concerned it would send the wrong message. I'd rather he whacked the drums...which to me are a form of exercise if done properly.

Anyhooo...thanks for the book suggestion, May09Bump, that looks very useful, i'll pick up a copy.

We have a e-version for kindle of the book - so easier to take with you!

I wouldn't try martial arts, not until older - gives them more ideas of hitting.

A child psychologist actually suggested hitting a pillow to us. She also suggested that we have an "angry box" with activities to do when angry and upset. I can't remember all of them now... I know there was blowing up balloons, drawing or reading from a joke book. My dd was a bit older than your son though.

Validate his feelings: "I can see that you are very upset right now. It's not nice when you want something and then you can't have it".

Maybe get a trampoline he can jump on?

Are you not worried about him damaging the drum set?

Nah, he's been 'playing' them from an early age. It's an electronic set so all rubber pads, nothing he can actually break by hitting with sticks.