First full on toddler tantrum - what should we have done?!

[wishingforwillpower]

At the park, kicking a ball about with DS who loves nothing more. After a while he was clearly getting tired and we were all getting cold. Put the ball under the buggy and strapped DS in, albeit with the usual resistance and tears which we have seen many times before. Normally he calms down pretty quickly or is easily distracted... Not this time. He screamed and made his whole body rigid all the was to the supermarket, about five minutes walk away. We chatted away in comforting voices to him, made his favourite animal noise etc. No sign of calming down. The same all round the supermarket, made worse by the fact that he saw an escalator which he loves. All the while screaming "BALL" and lurching about. By then I felt awful, really distressed and also sweating with the shame of the looks of judgement we were attracting... Still no sign of calming down, now about 15 minutes later. In the end I couldn't take it any more, I really thought he would be sick and so I took him out of his buggy to try and comfort him - nothing worked, singing, distraction, cuddles and I ended up carrying him home sobbing while my DH pushed the buggy.

The rest of the evening dragged by as he was tired and fractious as I'm sure he felt dreadful, and I felt awful too. I know this probably doesn't sound like a big deal but we haven't had a tantrum like this before and I just wondered if anyone has any advice about how we could have handled it differently? Obviously we couldnt just go back to the park and play ball again,and has made me never want to play ball in the park ever again if this is what happens when it's time to go home! I hated seeing him so distressed, and would love to feel a bit more prepared for next time....

My only advice is that you have a spare biscuit in case biscuit number one breaks in half and you are told to fix it, that or try and find unbent bananas...

You live and learn.

The other day my DH told my son (2.2) that no he could NOT have yet another biscuit. DS would normally have complained about that but got over it without too much trouble. However this time, DH removed him from the biscuit and then piled insult upon injury by STRAPPING him in his booster seat at the table. He doesn't like this at the best of times, and this tipped him over the edge!

If you have to frustrate their desires, it can be good to offer some really good alternative. For example, I tell DS to come and sit on Mummy's knee and look at a book with me (he's the second child and loves any one to one attention!) this usually makes him let go of whatever it was he was so insistent about a few moments before!

PS 20 months is quite young. My son is 6 mths older and these days he can understand concepts like "later" and "in a minute".

So if he asks for a biscuit he will often be content if I tell him he can have one after he has eaten his supper.

Not an expert, just one DD here who will be 3 in a few weeks. However, I have found sharing the plan to be really helpful with the managing expectations bit that others have mentioned. So when we leave the house, I say 'we're going to do x first and then after that we'll go to y', and then during the first activity, again as other have said, give warnings when time is almost up, and definitely snack in the buggy on the way to the second thing. The snack can also be part of the plan that is communicated - we'll go to the park, you can have a flapjack in the buggy on the way to the shop, then you can play on the escalator if you like. I do re-iterate this now so there are no unpleasant suprises, and it seems to help.

Also as another poster mentioned, recognising when they've lost control and just need cuddles to help them to calm down.

Good luck!
D

then you can play on the escalator if you like

I'm guessing that this was off the top of your head and you wouldn't really allow it.

Well no I suppose not a good idea really. I meant ride on the escalator !

My ds is 26 months & is pretty good on the tantrum front. I give him plenty of warning to leave places counting down from 3 minutes, with an expected couple of "we're going now"s on the end, once we've reached zero. I'm pretty consistent about how we count down, even though a minute can vary in actual length, depending on how quick we actually need to leave.
We also say bye bye to things when we go, "bye bye park, see you soon" then he knows we're coming back another time.
You can also talk about what you'll do when you get home, during all this, so it focuses them on the next thing.
They can understand way more than they let on & if you're consistent they'll catch on soon enough.

However, you cannot avoid tantrums & you can pretty much bet whoever may be near by will be thinking sympathetic thoughts not judgemental ones.

I meant ride on the escalator

I thought that might be it

We've avoided many a tantrum being prepared with a packet of milky bar buttons a juice drink and a bunch of keys....other snacks are available it's just buttons are our ds's favourite. Lol.
And make wherever you are planning to go next sound as fun as possible. Eg if you are going to the supermarket get them to help you pick the shopping (putting the carrots in the bag etc). Pretend you can't find the carrots.....even tho they are right in front of you. Make it a fun game. kids love helping. Just wish they didn't grow out of it lol.

Distraction is the best way to beat a tantrum IME. But you need to do it before they have completely lost control of themselves...there's no turning back once you've got to that point and you just have to ride it out! Also, try and make sure he doesn't get too tired or hungry...tantrums are far more likely at these times.

My DS is 5 now but when he was going through his tantrumming stage I became very good at recognising the signs of when a tantrum was near. And this is the time for distraction...and the best distraction we found was blowing bubbles! Changed his mood very quickly!

My DD is only 18months so not quite at the full-on tantums stage, but I am seeing some sneak previews of what her terrible 2s will be like! When getting her in the pushchair to leave playgroup, playground or whatever, I always have something to distract her...a toy to hold, a drink, or a snack and I talk to her about something fun we can do when we get home.

And as said previously, if your DS does lose control of himself there's very little you can do. Don't try and restrain him in any way, don't tell him off, just let him do what he needs to do and give him a big cuddle afterwards and then carry on as normal. And hard though it is, just try and block out the rest of the world if you are out in public...the people who judge and look and stare and tut don't matter at all.