Behaviour concerns with a 6 yr old boy HELP please

[Shhhh]

I will start by saying I'm a mumsneter going back 9 yrs but coming back for advice.

I have an 8yr dd and a 6 (7 in feb) ds. My concerns are with my son.

I personally think I need help for him but I have no idea where to go or who to speak to.

He is a very bright little boy, school don't have any concerns with him and say he is pleasant etc. evidence of this is the fact he had a lead part in this yrs nativity. Lots of lines to learn etc which he managed really well. He is also in the higher sets for various subjects in school. I'm a teaching assistant in his class ATM covering sickness so for the last 4 weeks I have been around him & his classmates.

He has been fine with this, I did similar last yr when he was in yr 1 but this yr I have noticed more of a change with him ESP with me being in his class. His attitude has changed, so much so he is sulking more when I'm around & teachers have noticed this. He is also hating me when I reprimand him in school when he's needed it. I'm can understand this, he obviously feels that in school I'm his mum & not a teacher.

NOW my main concerns are the fact that he is doing really worrying things.i will try my best and list the major ones.

1.on holiday this year he developed "tics", these were present before but as head scratching or sniffing. On hols they turned into major stopping suddenly wherever he was , scrunching up shoulders, blinking then it goes & he continued. This could happen upto a few times a minute.
Once home it turned into a grunting sound. Relentless . In school , at home. I have seen the gp but they said monitor it but nothing they could do.

1. He seems to push dh& I to the limits. Every bed time is awful. Him & dd go to bed around 7pm, maybe later on hols/wkd so up to 8/9pm. But no matter when we put him to bed he will still be up 2/3 hrs later. Even when strict & say bed etc he still messes. Even coming down asking for another hug/kiss & always off dh & never me.

1. Last night he came down & told us he had scratched something into the bannister. We investigated & yes he had. With a metal ruler he had scratched marks into his bed ladder & stair bannister. He often does things he shouldn't then comes & tells us. Almost as though he wants a reaction & to goad us. He was told off last night but it doesn't seem to bother him. Today he came & told me " I sat on your new rug with dirty hands" or he will tell us he has "sat in the rug with felt tips" things he knows he shouldn't do but that he does and tells us....

1. He seems obsessed with girls & their knickers. Telling me that x sat at school & I could see her knickers. I have told him to ignore them and look away but he still comes to me with stories. Says about x who lifted her skirt up at school (like 4 yr old girls do) but he said tonight "I wanted to look". I'm mortified. I don't know what to do or say anymore. We have tried ignoring his stories, tried saying to him to tell the headmaster in the hope it scare him into not saying stuff and tried shouting at him.

Tonight I have put him to bed only for him to telling me about the carpet rod in his bedroom, he has been trying to pull it off.

He often tells me he wants a new mummy & daddy and that he hates us, he wishes he or us were dead. Very sad....
On holidays and even when out and about locally if he isn't getting the right comments or if he is told off he runs off. Not ideal when you are in the middle of magic kingdom.

Today he has had his ds/iPod banned until his behaviour improves.

Thing is, to ask anyone what ey think of him they think he is delightful & a fantastic child.

I just worry massively. Dh & I are a loving couple, been together 17 years and although we have our ups/downs like anyone else we feel our kids are well looked after, cared for and have a lovely home life. I feel I may of failed as a mother ...:-(

Sorry it's so long...

Ok...there are a few issues here which need looking at certainly but a few which are very "normal" and which you should possibly relax about.

His reactions to you as his classroom assistant are understandable and in your shoes, I would look to change that so he can have his own space in school...

His tics...they need looking at...I would go to the doctor without him initially and discuss them and see what the doctor advises.

The scratching into the bannister...normal attention seeking if rather naughty behaviour.

The knickers...again I see this as normal curiosity....and some attention seeking. If he's getting a reaction from you then he'll say things on purpose to shock you. All kids are interested in one another's knickers...the running away...again, bad...but something which could be worked on.

Can I ask...are you particularly strict as a family? Do you have a strong routine which perhaps could be relaxed?

Thanks for your reply.

The TA bit isn't permanent, I'm recently qualified & the school have offered it to me as its benefits us both.
I'm expecting it to be a few wks after Christmas and hopefully the regular TA is back.

Ok, thought it would come back as normal ... Just worries me.

The tics, I have been to the gp, alone & then with ds. Gp really can't offer any help but says maybe school may be able to offer help.
School can't. They mention his tics to him, mostly as they disrupt but they say he will grow out if them.

He did, I noticed they had stopped around oct only to start again when practising for the nativity so teacher & I guessed due to pressure..

How do you mean strict ? Yes we have rules & boundaries ... No more than any other family but then again no one gives you a manual of how to be a parent so maybe we are harsh ?! Can you explain further to expand iykwim x

Well....I don't mean to presume anything of course...but his behavour sounds rebelious and attention seeking so I thought that perhaps he felt a bit hemmed in...or that things were too strict? Does he have much physical excersise? I have a very lively 5 year old who needs SO much physical work or she goes nuts! She's also affected by sugar and food colouring.

I had a tic as a child and I did grow out of it by the way.....mine was a verbal tic. My parents used to joke me out of it when I did it.

No, I know you didn't mean it negative & I did try & ask in a polite way but its hard when you are just typing & not speaking lol !

Well, yes we do have rules but I'm not to sure which or how we can relax them... I guess it's hard to know where we are too harsh iykwim.

He is very energetic & we do try & keep as active as possible.

Yesterday saw us on a bike ride / walk. 10,000 steps which we were all very proud of & choc has been restricted to nye due to Christmas over load but he still went & scratched words on various things . It still also too him an age to go to bed . Up/down/up/down ....

During a normal wk he plays 1 hr football , 1 hr training , swimming lessons & I try & walk to/from school weather permitting.

The school need to stop mentioning the tics to him as he can't help them. They may also go hand in hand with his sleep problems. You and the school need to keep a diary of them. If they carry on more than a year, go back to the gp with the diary and ask to be referred to a neurologist specialising in tic disorders. He is likely to grow out of them, but good to be prepared in case he doesn't and you want to seek help.

He sounds very like one of my ds in many respects. I used to try to burn his energy off physically, but realised he got more hyper if I did this. With my ds he needs to be mentally tired too - seriously some mental maths etc or just some lego play.

Electronic devices are a no no as I've found they over stimulate (one hour per weekend here). Pm me if you want to chat.

Rereading your post I think he may actually BE my ds (with a bit of his dtb thrown in).

Thank you schmee. I guess I just want to know if its normal behaviour or if I need to seek help. I guess with the tics I need to continue to monitor & record (his teacher said she would tell him to stop but we said to ignore as we were ignoring at home...although I admit on occasions I tell him to hush out of frustration ..

But the curious bit about looking up girls skirts ?? He even gets dd's dolls & takes a peek having never had a boy & not being a boy it all new to me !!

I also wonder when they become sexually aware ?! Is 6/7 too young ?

I am with you schmee with electronic devices hence my ban today & given tonight's bedtime palava they are banned tomorrow. I really want to ban for longer but then I start to worry I'm too strict which then links to awfulmaureens questions ...

Geeze it's bloody hard work being a parent . So many worries & concerns

My ds is just a little younger but over the years has given me so many headaches, and continues to do so,
The only thing that strikes out from your post really is that a) he is totally seeking your attention, I think you probably know this, knowing what to do about it is harder, and b) 7 is a very early bedtime, my ds is in bed and lights out by 8.30 but often gets up for a poo and does not actually go to sleep before 9.15, so long as he is quiet upstairs, we ignore him.

Thanks hillyhilly. Well we have thought about bed times & have tried to be a bit more relaxed. But even being relaxed and later with it ds is still a nightmare so 7pm is usually as a kind of punishment iykwim... Possibly one we aren't gaining from !!

We have tried dd staying up half hr after ds just to try & make a stance .

Thing is ds isn't quiet once in bed ... Too'ing fro'ing between his & dd's room, playing noisey etc..