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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Is it 'the thin end of the wedge' when 21 mo ds won't say 'please'?

27 replies

docket · 23/07/2006 10:42

ds is 21 months and has started to be 'toddlerish', this seems to have worsened since the arrival of dd 5 weeks ago but was probably due in any case. he's actually very sweet with his sister which is lovely and i guess we are cutting him some extra slack to compensate for her arrival.

anyway, since his language is coming on apace we've been trying to teach him his p's and q's. he'll say 'chank chuu' no problem but will absolutely not say please. it's not that he can't, he just won't, so much so that he would rather not have a slice of his favourite banana cake than say 'cake please'. he just keeps saying 'no' very resolutely then lashing out when you try and get him to say it.

my inclination was not to bother about it too much, he will eventually say it i'm sure. however, my sister (a stickler for manners with two impeccably behaved children it must be said) reckons it's just the thin end of the wedge and that if i don't persist with getting him to say it now i'm in for all sorts of problems and further willfullness. do you agree?

tia

OP posts:

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WideWebWitch · 23/07/2006 10:46

Your sister is wrong imo, he's not even 2, your instinct was right imo, he'll get it eventually!

threebob · 23/07/2006 10:49

if he's not getting the cake then what is your sister's problem. If he wanted it he would say please!

I think your sister's manners are in need of a brush up actually.

SminkoPinko · 23/07/2006 10:49

Aww he sounds like a lovely kid, docket. I wouldn't get into a battle about this personally. Just remind him every once in a while in an easygoing way and say it yourself when you ask him for stuff. "chank chuu" is a brilliant start at his age, I'd say!

Original poster

docket · 23/07/2006 10:57

thank you! my sister was absolutely appalled by his 'willfullness'!

even more annoyingly she called me yesterday to say she'd talked about it with some friends and they agreed with her!

OP posts:

sobernow · 23/07/2006 10:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WideWebWitch · 23/07/2006 11:00

I agree about it being very rude of her. Advice on parenting is ok IF you've asked for it, otherwise people (family included, actually, no make that especially family!)should butt out and mind their own business imo!

Original poster

docket · 23/07/2006 11:05

it's because i'm the youngest all my family seem to think it's still okay to tell me what to do and how to do it. i know they mean well but it really gets my goat. especially when i'm this sleep deprived!

OP posts:

edam · 23/07/2006 11:06

Your sister's barking. IMO. If she wants to raise neurotic children, that's her look out. Obsessing over 'please' in an under-two who is already saying 'thank you' is ridiculous.

Original poster

docket · 23/07/2006 11:09

edam, now you come to mention it she is a bit neurotic herself !

OP posts:

januarymum · 23/07/2006 11:36

My dd is 2.5yrs and has only just starting to please and thank you, we haven't made an issue with this just said please and thank you when we have given her anything.

She has gone from not saying pleases or thank you's, now she said it every time also if i ask to do something she say's "ok mummy".

i would say your sister may have her way of doing things, but this doesn't mean your way is wrong just different.

Carry on as you are just keep repeating please and thank you when he asks for things, and he will just start using them.

Pruni · 23/07/2006 11:56

Message withdrawn

beansprout · 23/07/2006 12:47

Wooahhh, docket, hang on a cotton picking moment! You have a fab ds who is adjusting really well to a new baby - that's the most important thing. We just about get "thank you" from ds and I'm really not worried about it (but my CM is ). I really think that at this age, please and thank you are too abstract for them to be really important words. I would much rather ds didn't grab, snatch etc than mastered something that grown ups think is so important. Maybe that makes me a right old slob but so be it.

Angeliz · 23/07/2006 12:56

I think your little boy sound lovely. He's saying thankyou and adjusting well by the sounds of it to your new arrival. (Which must be incredibly hard that young).
I think your sister sounds like a control freak who should butt out and mind her own

Angeliz · 23/07/2006 12:57

Aside from the that, the more you push it the more he'll not want to say it and is it really THAT important at this point in time?

KBear · 23/07/2006 13:12

I think they pick up alot from what you say too so if you always say yes please (emphasising the pleeeease) bit he will soon catch on. I agree, don't make a battle out of it, he sounds just fine.

Original poster

docket · 23/07/2006 13:12

You're right, it's not important he says it now and I'm really proud of the way he's adapting to having a little sister - much more important.

I guess I'm just tired and feeling a little unsure of myself, she was SO appalled that I thought it must be an issue, despite not having thought it was before. Bloody nose-poking families eh?!

OP posts:

FrannyandZooey · 23/07/2006 13:18

Your sister has been very rude to comment and poke her nose in like this. I think your ds probably has better manners than her

Dp and I found when we made quite a big thing of saying please and thank you to ds and to each other, he was fairly quick to copy us around age 2. He has stopped now so I don't know if we have been being less than polite to one another or if he is just being a bit wilfull. I am sure it will pass.

trinityrhino · 23/07/2006 13:19

at his age I think 'chank chuu' is amazing, I hope my dd is doing that at that age
I don't htink you need to worry at all
he will get it in time and if you don't give him the cake unless he says it then it's all fine, it's up to him, if he wants it badly enugh he will say please

Mercy · 23/07/2006 13:56

I think he's doing really well for his age tbh. I think it's awful to try and make a child say words, I'm sure it's counterproductive - and probably almost impossible!

WideWebWitch · 23/07/2006 14:20

See docket, we are all right and your sister is wrong!
Beansprout, thanks for that use of 'cotton picking moment', lovely!

Original poster

docket · 23/07/2006 14:54

Thank you everyone. I think I shall make a point of ignoring her child-rearing advice from here on in!

OP posts:

PiccadillyCircus · 23/07/2006 15:02

I am a believer in children learning by imitation, although I am also encouraging DS (2.8) with "nice way to ask". I didn't say please recently when asking him for something and he pointed it out to me, so I think the message is getting through .

I think your DS sounds lovely .

aviatrix · 23/07/2006 22:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Blu · 23/07/2006 22:05

I think 'please' is a very odd concept for toddlers. 'chank chuu' (bless him) is much more 'natural' because it is a response to something.
Just keep using 'please' whenever you ask him to do anything at all, and he will pick it up. IMHO I think setting up a battle is counter-productive. And your sister likes to take things upon herself, does she not? Blimey!

Of course, I assume he writes his own thank you letters by now???

Miaou · 23/07/2006 22:14

Just to echo blu , "please" is a really hard concept for a child, particularly of that age, but carries all sorts of "ishooes" with it later on - having been through the "yes I know I said that you should say please when you want something, but just because you say please it doesn't mean you will get it" (third biscuit, for eg)stage with my dds - I mean, that is a pretty difficult concept for a toddler to get their head around!

And for your sister to discuss it with her friends then tell you that they all think he behaved badly - well of course they would agree with her, they're her friends and only heard her version of the story! Grrr....

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