Fussy Eater, but I think it may be my parents fault...Please advise

[gardeningangel]

My daughter is 21 months now and I am expecting my 2nd child in March. My daughter has always been a good eater and as I returned to work 3 days a week, my parents have her on those days. However, due to pending 2nd child, I have tried to encourage her to feed herself as much as she can, so that when the next child comes along, I am not worried that I am getting stressed trying to feed 2 babies. To start with she did this really well and ate her meals.
I have had various, tentative conversations with my parents about trying to do this at there house, as well as telling them to cut down on tv, and most recently, I have noticed that my daughter is becoming increasing fussy with her food, which is not helping that cause of her being more independent with her food.
I think this stems from the fact that if she doesn't eat her main meal at my parents, she gets her pudding anyway just to get some food in her. She sits in front of the TV whilst having meals and despite me trying to encourage my parents to let her eat by herself, I still walk in to them feeding her. My mother also insists on giving her biscuits and crisps in between meals, which drives me mental and I have told her to stop, to the point we have had a full blown argument. We also fell out about her giving the bairn Tea, which I did not condone at all. She always comes back with the 'I've brought up 3 children' excuse, but I do fire back with 'my child, my rules'
So my dilemma is what to do. Do I carry on trying to persuade my mother that I don't want certain things done and want them done a certain way, or do I sit them down and tell them 'This is what I want' and be direct.

My parents are great with my daughter, but I feel especially my mother seems to defy what I want just to spite me, as if its funny.

Sounds like paid childcare might be better. Your parents aren't acting in your dd's best interest. CMs and nurseries won't let yr dd watch tv full stop certainly not at meal times.

The pickiness could just be her age but I don't think being constantly undermined is good for your relationship with yr dd. she will learn to divide & conquer.

But how hard is it to limit things to once a week? Really?

I do think that perhaps there could be a compromise, say they get to give her sweets and biscuits on a Friday but the rest if the week to refrain. That isn't a huge ask in all honesty. I've had to have this conversation with my parents. I appreciate they like to spend the time with them but when she's coming home and having the shits after being given copious amounts of milkshake/smoothies and is extremely bloated. Then of course you have to say something. It's not telling them to never treat their grand child. It's asking them to realise the impact that the frequency is having and please can we set a limit.

Gileswithachainsaw - how did you go about sorting out your problem? Did you set ground rules with your MIL?

Well with my PIL I got dp to talk to them :o

If I'd had one if these famous MN children who can snack all day , eat everything given to them and not end up very pale and not quite right after a few days of not eating properly I wouldn't have worried too much.

But I don't. So ergo I had to get my dp to explain to my MIL that she's refusing her food at home and please can she stick to what I send for her. This just about lasted until she went to pre school and she was getting there a bit later so she wasn't there long enough to eat all the stuff she did previously. And once I was on maternity leave I kept her home with me.

My parents luckily responded ok. They hadn't realised she was having ill effects from their little rituals so they were understanding and toned things down.

I don't think there's any should about it but both of mine were arsey about being fed and preferred to do it themselves.

I doubt there is a specific link . Lots of toddlers go through phases of liking/not liking foods. In the end it doesn't really matter as long as she gets a balance overall , and that can be over the course of several days rather than each meal. As you can't afford alternative childcare I thin k you need to accept that she may not eat as much savouries as you would like at their house and try to compensate with small portions of whatever you are eating but don't fret if she hardly touches it. You need to decide whether this one thing is worth the aggravation and possible discord. By the time dc2 arrives your whole perspective and relationship with dd will have to adjust.

Do you have a friend you can do some kind of child care swap with?

Does your work do the tax free child care vouches?
Can you work from home or work later shifts ? Anything at very least can reduce the time they have her ?

If you could get it down to one day a week on a Friday where they can treat he that or day and you have the weekend to ensure she gets fed healthier meals with no sweets etc?

On a serious note what will happen with dc2

They can't go feeding him/her sweets and biscuits all day because of the salt and sugar content and the fact it could fill him up when he should be having milk.

I like the idea of treats on just one day and will compromise with my parents that why and see if it works. When no. 2 comes along I was going to ask the parents to have the eldest still, so that it didn't disrupt her routine as much. Maybe not straight away as I want her to bond with her sister/brother, but maybe once/twice a week, to give me some rest really.

I know that I am lucky to have my parents there for support, I just want her to have a healthy diet and good routine which she has had until now.