How did you handle the conversation about dying with your little one? Think I made a bit of a mess of it.....

[tiswas]

Hi there, just wanted some advice.
My dd 3.4 has started asking lots and lots of question abot dying. Today she said will I die one day mummy? I tried to explain to her we all would one day, when we're very very old etc. That you go to heaven and its a nice place to go when the time comes, that Jess & Archie are there playing (passed away dog & cat) Its above the clouds, we can't see it but its there. She then got quite upset that she didnt want to go there and leave me behind, so I tried to explain that I will go first because I'm older etc and she will see me there one day when its her turn. She then was even more upset that I would be leaving her behind etc. I tried to explain this wouldnt happen for a long long time, but it seems to be really worrying her. Then I got Grandma & Grandad are really old, are they going to die soon, I don't want them to mummy We're not going to see Jess and Archie again are we?? [ where the tears in my eyes emoticon?]
TBH I'm not sure I said the right thing, I feel I've messed up a bit!! was just wondering if anyone had any advice?
Are there any good books that anyone can recommend as she loves reading with me and it might help?
Thanks x

We had the same sort of upsets with ds after one of our neighbours died. We had to talk about it again and again and in the end I found that pussyfooting around made it go on for much longer than if we just answered in a very matter of fact way.

One thing that helped us was realising he was worried about what would happen to him if we died, so we talked very straightforwardly about who could look after him if we died. We found it was no good saying "But I won't die until I'm very old" - this is not necessarily true and I think they have sussed this out, or sense your reservations. Allow her to talk through her fears without brushing them under the carpet.

Ds was also helped by talking about the "circle of life" - birth, life, death and new birth as one great big wheel. Now when he says "When you / I / Grandma / whoever gets old and dies" he also adds on "but new babies will be born".

The book we liked best was Goodbye Mousie . It pulls no punches and is a fairly unflinching look at the reality of death and a child's raw emotions about it. However it is also a very tender story and I feel suitable for this age group.

This is quite helpful IMO

goodbye mog?

I put a hand in a glove (well in a sock cos I couldn't find a glove)

I said to DS .. "this is you .. the glove is your body" (wiggling fingers all around), "but the hand is the bit that is really you and some people call that your soul or your spirit" (keep on wiggling)

"when you die your spirit goes on" (gently take hand out of glove and make it keep wiggling and swooping around .. tickling him works too as you gently lay the glove down on the ground)

keeping his attention on the hand swooping I said "when you die you don't need your body any more so your spirit leaves it behind" .. spirit hand keeps swooping and talk descends into tickling

Twigg

That is fab, will try that.

tiswas, I think your sweet natured attempt to reassure her completely has backfired a bit - but from the sounds of your post you SO wanted her to not be upset!

With my DS we have kept it really short and simple and only answered the questions he actually asks - eg when his great grandad died we simply said that as his body was very very old, he was all finished now, not breathing and alive any more.

I'm not at all religious so did not want to tell DS anything that I don't KNOW to be true, haven't said anything about heaven or people 'going' somewhere after death - and he hasn't asked. Someone else was saying on a thread about this, that they have explained to their child that there was a time before they were alive, then they are born, then there's a time when they die and aren't alive anymore - basic circle of life stuff.

I think just keep it really simple and ONLY answer the actual question they're asking, rather than trying to cover it all at once! She may well ask some more so maybe try this approach if she does? As a child I must say I HATED the idea of heaven, I certainly wouldn't want to go somewhere else when I'm happy here, thanks, and I didn't want my family going 'somewhere' where I was excluded - found it much much easier to accept that people just stopped living but would know nothing about it in the way that we knew nothingness before we were born!

don't know if my rambling helps but the books others have recommended sound good!

Twig, you are a genius, will keep that one in my back pocket for when DS needs it - thank you. really brilliant.

I am not sure what I believe about heaven / the soul etc so have not attempted anything like that with ds, but the most touching thing he said during all the death discussions, was "Mummy, when I die, I'll be happy....because I'll be with you again."

My ds1 has been quite certain, since he was about 5, that when he dies he will be a bird. Children are very wise - perhaps he knows something we don't.

Thanks for all your replies and the book suggestions. Its so difficult to know what to say, that glove idea is fab twig, I'll definately try that one. Were having a day out tommorrow so hopefully all the questions will subside for one day at least.
It really is great to have so many suggestions, Thanks