4 year old clingy and overbearing. Ideas for how to handle this?

[Pavlovthecat]

Ds has always been clingy. In particular around sleep, never sleeps through since newborn needed to be with me, on me, at all times when sleeping. He gets into our bed at some point in the night and tbh I have not sort of given up addressing it for now as I am just not getting anywhere with it. It doesn't help that I can't physically get up to take him back to bed as I have a back problem which stops me being able to carry him to bed.

At night, he paws my face, constantly, kisses, laws, pulls until he is asleep. He wakes early and does the same while dozing, he sleeps right into me.

In the day he insists on knitting on my lap for meals. I tend to refuse, but each time it involves a meltdown, he is not learning that I dont want that. He tries to climb on me every single time I sit down. The only time he leaves me alone is if I am up and busy, but I am just so worn out. I don't sleep well and he gives me no space at all. He paws at me, and while the kisses are lovely, he stifles emerged with them, over and over. I put him to bed last night, and he literally hung off my neck kissing kissing kissing my cheek, like some obsession, it was almost desperate from him.

This morning, after a bad night as he has a cough so I was up a million times with him, he wanted to sit on my lap, crying crying crying that I wouldn't let him, I just wanted some space from him do I had to stand up and g away from him. I made a call today and he clambered onto my lap, sat down to read my emails, on my lap, not just cuddling but pulling my hand away and putting it on around him.

What on earth is going on. It even affects dd now as she has to fight for cuddles as he is always there if she is and it's affecting my relationship with DH as we never get a moment together and when he do I am so exhausted and fed up with being mauled I just want to be left alone!

Ideas of how to handle this would be gratefully received.

Sorry for typos as iPad keeps changing stuff!

I don't have any great advice I'm afraid but lots of sympathy. My DD is a bit like this at times but not so extreme. How is his relationship with his dad and other adults (grandparents etc)? Does he go to childcare/pre-school at all? I would be encouraging some gentle separation such as a night at grandmas or a day out with daddy. Lots of cuddles when he gets home but also lots of praise for being a big boy and doing other things.

I've got a 4 yr old who is a bit like this, but not as full on.
I'm honest. Mummy wants to do X now, and needs to be on her own, Mummy needs some space.
I also suggest sitting next to me, rather than on me. Some of it is slowly working.

What about trying to stop one thing at a time. Whats the worst? Sleeping? Dinner? Sort that, and then move onto the next thing.
It will need explaining what and why, ime, and then sitting tight.

Good luck. There was a thread on here not that long ago about people having too much contact with others, and lots of people commenting that they just want to be left alone sometimes. Your not on your own.

I don't think 4 is too young to start teaching that it is only ok to touch other people when they feel like it.
I think you'll have to accept that he is going to cry or tantrum when you refuse him a cuddle or cut short a cuddle. Although DS was never as clingy as yours, I have had to do this in order to look after other people's needs and sometimes in order to eat. It's horrible. You'd probably want to start doing that in the day rather than at night time.
We had to introduce silly rules for a while like no more than 10 kisses at bed time.

Thanks for all the replies. He has a fab relationship with his dad, spends lots of time with him without me, has no problems being seperated from me, goes to pre-school 3 times a week which he loves. He is confident, happy and secure with other people. But, when I am about he is very clingy. Like at the weekend, he would not let me eat some cheese and biscuits at our friends house where we were exchanging christmas gifts. He climbed all over me. But, my best friend said 'hey, I haven't had a proper christmassy cuddle yet, can I have one?' and he went to her fine, and gave me 5 mins to eat!

I don't think it helps that for a while I have been poorly with bad back which has meant not being able to carry him etc, but, tbh he was like it before that! Maybe that has not helped though.

I like the idea of 10 kisses at bedtime!

And I now know why it feels like it's getting worse - he developed a fever last night, has snot! He has had a cough so has probably been feeling more under the weather than I thought so it has made him even more clingy.

As I said, if I have to DO stuff, he gets over it, he will cry/get upset sometimes but I just explain that I need to cook dinner or else he won't eat, etc. The biggest problem is for example not being able to have my morning cuppa, or 5 mins after work, or just sit without him on me the whole time. Or, giving DD cuddles as he is there, every time she wants me.

He is absolutely adorable much of the time, and sometimes its lovely, mostly it's lovely. Everyone says how adorable it is, but then, sometimes, it's just too much. And my cheeks hurt much of the time from his constantly pouring at them.

I don't think I will do too much to address it over christmas as we are going away and it's going to be disruptive enough for him, but that is not to say I will ignore it, I will continue, as you say, to remind him I need space etc and then work hard to address it in the new year.

Pavlov have you looked into sensory processing issues? My DS (who has sensory processing disorder) is also unbearably, suffocatingly tactile, and for him it is about getting proprioceptive feedback (he has poor proprioception - sense of where his own body parts are) and seeks constant pressure by pulling/pushing/crashing/climbing/hanging/leaning/burrowing/squeezing/cuddling etc. we have found that things like a weighted blanket, pressure jacket and other sensory toys provide some of this for him and have made him slightly better (having said that, he's squeezed inside my dressing gown with me as I type this! )

jackster that has been mentioned before, I did post about this about a year/18 months ago, and we did get him some bears etc for night time. he now has a scout bear which he loves in bed with him, like the idea of a weighted blanket. I will look in more detail into this, as he is ultra ultra clingy at the moment, and most of the time he is where your DS is now, inside my dressing gown if I am wearing one. He likes to be as close to me as he possibly possibly can, like if he could get into me and be part of me he would! Not sure if that makes sense.

How would we know if it was issues with preprioception for example? Rather than just, as DH thinks, 'little boy issues'.

I meant to say, 18 months ago was the start of my back problem, or, 6 months in I should say, and I put some of it down to that, and his age. But, it's not eased!

The thing is, he is not desperate for the touching etc with other people; yes he can be annoyingly huggly with his dad, and climbs over him, lays on him in the morning if they are watching tv etc, but he doesn't do the constant face rubbing like he is a cat, or pulling of his face, or trying to get inside him! Or with anyone else either. He is cuddly and lovely with them, and, for example has a lovely relationship with his key worker and other teachers at pre-school, has some lovely friendships forming etc. It's just with me.

If it was a sensory issue, would he not seek to address that through other means, and not just with me, but in the rest of the world around him too?

Oh God Pavlov, I actually remember your last thread about this, because my DS sounds so much like yours. Mine is nearly 4 and also does the face pulling, but mainly only touches/pulls my lips like a comfort blanket. We also end up co-sleeping most of the time. Honestly, DH laughs sometimes because DS is like a little druggie when he is 'plugged in', i.e. sitting on my lap, cheek pressed against mine, hand pulling at my mouth. DS even describes it as charging up'!

Other than this he is developing normally, seems bright, loves pre school and can cope with me not being there (he initally cried for a short time when I said goodbye).

He is an only child. His need to be very near me became more pronounced after a hospital stay at 13 months when we all had a horrible virus and were separated. Luckily DH was with him in the children's ward attached to a drip while I was downstairs (also attached to a drip!). We were only apart a few hours (poor DH promptly collapsed on my return!) but I think it had a big effect on DS.

Anyway I'm kind of waiting for it to pass. I do reciprocate a fair bit with loads of kisses and cuddles to the point where he scrambles away giggling, which helps him understand how I might feel smothered if he does it too much, and also satisfies his own need to maul my face!

Anyway, I know how you feel!

Pavlov, forgot to add earlier that as well as SPD, my DD also suffers from extreme anxiety (including separation anxiety) which for him seems inextricably linked to his sensory problems. So I do think there is also a psychological element to it too - seeking comfort, security etc.

I'd say reading up more about sensory problems would help you identify whether there are sensory issues there - I had a huge lightbulb moment when I did this. The book "the out of sync child" is really good.