Siblings rivalry or all out war

[helsbels03]

My dd's cannot be left with each other without descending into all out war. Dd2, 5yrs takes every opportunity to wind up dd1, 7yrs and she always ends up hitting of kicking her. When we leave the house they are best friends, but the minute going home is mentioned they start. I have tried talking to dd2 about not winding up but it is only little things she does that get a huge reaction. I have tried talking to dd1 and getting her to come and tell me rather than deal herself. We have had long chats about how to be nice/ stay away/ ignore etc. they get sent to their room for winding up/ hitting. But nothing works. We are at the point now where they cannot be left in the same room even for 10 mins watching tv without something happening. I try to spend time with each of them on their own each weekend, but they get upset if they feel the other one did something 'better' with me. My mum says I should just put them in the garden when they start which I am going to try but are there any ideas on here? Recommendation for books?

My DC like to wind each other up and fight. Key word is 'like'.

You need to ensure they won't actually hurt each other (we have 'safety' words which they do respect) and teaching the lesson of the difference between 'scream if you want to go faster' and when someone really dosn't want to play is an important thing (and the groundwork for later discussions about sexual consent - yes, my eldest are teens now).

And you also have to deal with verbal wind ups, which are harder to tackle. The younger ones are smaller and less strong, so can become very sharp very quickly about the use of words to make the fights more 'equal' as they know they cannot win physically. This is the work of many, many conversations.

If you can leave them to get on with it, then they learn how to work things out for themselves. When small though, you do need to be around to step in if it looks as if they cannot move on before someone gets hurt (physically or by insult). Modelling better responses, that leave interesting/enjoyable interaction rather than hurtful war, can help.

I'd recommend reading "Siblings without rivalry"

Thank you

Oops! Thank you for your replies I will download the book right now!! They are never play fights and are always quite hurtful to each other.

I send mine to their rooms also. There must be something going on though - jealousy or feeling second best.

Going To try the kindness beads tomorrow, will use them to make some decorations for their bedroom, will make a point of 'catching them being good' to try to build some positive momentum.