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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Does your 3 or 4 year old bite?

19 replies

OveranxiousUnderated · 20/12/2013 14:05

Just wanted some general opinions/contributions really to a problem I'm having at the moment...

Sorry it's long...

My DD is 3.4 and has been attending preschool since September with other children aged between 3 and 4. All going well, she enjoys it, made friends etc. I did notice a large change in her behaviour such as very rude, attitude, phrases I've never heard her use before e.g "you need to shut up" and yesterday "not bothered" but put it down to growing up, perhaps mixing with new children etc.

Anyway a couple of weeks ago she came home and she had been bitten by another child. I was quite shocked but understand that these things happen. Thought maybe a child is going through a phase - totally normal. A couple of weeks later she got bitten again, this time worse and by a totally different child. Again I was quite surprised, but didn't say anything as I know it happens. I have to say my judgement is somewhat clouded as I work with 3 and 4 year olds myself (different setting) and have never had to deal with biting in the last couple of years. (It happens fairly often in the toddler room though so 1-2 year olds)

Fast forward to yesterday I go to collect her and the teacher informs me that my DD has bitten another child today, badly and it has bruised. (Totally different child to the two that bit her) I was absolutely horrified/furious/upset. She has attended Nursery since she was 8 months old and has never once bitten or gone to bite anybody, and now she has been bitten twice I feel it's got to be because of that she has copied. I am NOT excusing the behaviour at all, I know my DD is far from an angel and has her fair share of arguments etc. But I just feel so upset about the whole situation. What if she starts biting now?! At this age they all go home and say who has done what as well, I don't want my DD being 'that child'. I am going to collect her in an hour...I will be very surprised if she does it again as we had very strong words last night.

I suppose what I'm asking is does your preschooler ever get bitten/bite someone... am I thinking its more unusual for this age group then it actually is? Just seems a lot of biting in a short period for 3 and 4 year old children, and these are the only incidents I know about because obviously it's my daughter.

Thanks.

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Artandco · 20/12/2013 14:11

No neither my 2 or 4 year old bite or ever have luckily

ImaginativeNewName · 20/12/2013 14:14

Yes! My 4yo is going through this at the moment, it's horrible and as in your case, only started at nursery.

JingleJohnsJulie · 20/12/2013 16:10

Dd started preschool the term before she was 3. She didn't bite and hadn't been bitten. She did bite me a couple of times, but it was before she was one.

stubbs0412 · 20/12/2013 21:12

My 3 child did bite....quite a bit. So sympathise, it's actually quite upsetting when your child is bitten but also when they are the biter, as other parents can be very judgemental.

I think it's frustration ! She was about 2, there are so many interesting toys and so many other children, staff cannot be everywhere and children are learning to play together. It took a little while for to stop and a few people suggested biting her back (not hard or course) but I never could. Good luck

Chasdingle · 21/12/2013 17:50

my DS bit someone about a month or so ago at nursery, he is 3.7 and had never bitten another child before (although he had bit us a few times when he was much younger), i felt awful. Fingers crossed as so far he's not done it agains

busybusy10 · 22/12/2013 10:32

I can sympathise with you. I was lucky as my eldest was never a biter but my youngest has been (she is nearly 3). It has driven me mad and I have scoured the internet for advice to try and stop it. Unusually my daughter only bites one particular child and when provoked (might be the wrong thing to say but almost can't blame my daughter for doing it) so we don't see much of that child and I watch them closely when they are together. So far she has not done it now for a couple of months and I think it is a combination of not seeing that child and growing out of it. Strangely she has never bitten anyone at nursery but I do think unfortunately they will just pick things up at nursery and that's normal.

MummyPig24 · 22/12/2013 14:19

No my 3yo doesn't bite. She bit her brother once when she was 1. She hasn't ever been bitten either.

Ds has bitten one specific friend 3 times in 5 years. He has been bitten once.

I don't know what is normal and what is not to be honest but I know that biting does occur quite a bit where small children are involved.

Ra88 · 22/12/2013 14:21

My 4.8 yo has never bitten

beela · 23/12/2013 08:05

My 3.3 yo has never bitten or been bitten... yet.

goshhhhhh · 23/12/2013 08:17

My dd never bit but was bitten & to be honest I was a bit judgemental about the parenting of biter. Then I had a boy..that bit...mostly in retaliation. I was mortified & you couldn't find a more gentle boy. However this was before he could talk & was a frustration about not being able to express himself.

I wouldn't be happy at me child using those expressions & I would be talking to the pre school about the behaviour. They appear to be picking it up from each other. I know it is difficult for them & no more difficult then a room full of bite-ers. My dd is now 11 & now I'm getting a bit of am I bothered. I dread to think what she would be like if she had been doing it since 4. Btw she is quite lovely & say things like was I a bit too teenager ish.

Parenting is really hard & it is complicated by other people's children!

DontstepontheBaubles · 23/12/2013 08:17

My DD never did but my DS went through a stage of doing so in pre school. I found it very hard at the time. I bought a book called teeth are not for biting and read it a lot with him, I spent a lot of time trying to teach him tools to cope and to tell a grown up if he was cross/ upset with another child instead. I cried a lot at the time about it but looking back he was frustrated and couldn't talk well yet either, he's also been diagnosed as Aspergers recently.

It does sound like this place has a problem with biting though, what are they doing about it? How are they tackling it? I'm also shocked by some of the things your DD seems to be saying at such a young age. If things do not improve there can you move her elsewhere?

The staff used to watch my son carefully and help him before it got to biting stage. They followed him round and would say 'we don't bite our friends' I also worked hard at home as well to reinforce it.

goshhhhhh · 23/12/2013 08:19

What I didn't say very clearly is that imho (&probably being a bit judgemental) biting should be stopping at this age. It is generally a toddler/ pre verbal behaviour

IsItMeOr · 23/12/2013 08:31

4.9yo DS still bites sometimes. We're working with school to manage his behaviour, as he has a tendency to lash out generally when he's upset/angry.

He is not the only one to have bitten in his reception class this term (but he is the most persistent!).

When I posted on here asking whether anybody else experienced this lashing out - so not biting specifically - somebody checked in a behaviour book and said that it was normal to grow out of it between 18 months and 10 years .

IsItMeOr · 23/12/2013 09:07

What I didn't say very clearly is that I know other parents judge me for this behaviour (thanks for confirming that though goshhhhhh), but that I am learning not to judge myself too harshly, as we are doing everything that we, and the school, think appropriate to address it.

Prozacbear · 23/12/2013 10:41

2.10yo DS hasn't ever bitten, but has been bit a couple of times - I'm waiting for the day I get a call saying he's bitten someone - it will happen!

Nursery is an odd environment ... there are children there who are very different in their style, and kids pick up things. DS told me, "Watch yourself!" the other day - what?? All you can do is reinforce your messages, and make sure nursery understand what you're aiming towards.

goshhhhhh · 23/12/2013 12:30

Sorry Isitme - trying to be honest & I felt like other parents judged me when my ds bit. It does stop & you do need consistent strategies between you & nursery/ school. Good luck!

Original poster

OveranxiousUnderated · 24/12/2013 22:54

Thanks for the replies.

I picked her up the following day and there had been no more biting incidents thank goodness, I really am hoping it's a one off and she will never do it again but we will see.

I have spoken to the teacher about her attitude/rudeness and they don't see that side of her at all, but said there is a lot of 'strong characters' in the room. I think she is picking up behaviour and then testing the waters/trying out new behaviour at home and seeing what reaction she gets.

I did speak to her teacher about the biting and said I was very upset about it, and had spoken to her very firmly about it, and voiced my concerns. The teacher was surprised that I don't see more biting at my setting and said that at their previous setting there was also a fair bit of biting...the teacher did say the class had had a big discussion on biting and said he would monitor my DD closely for a while.

Thing is, children say all sorts and you don't know what to believe/act on...I don't want to keep going in and saying "Ooh my DD said so and so kicks her" etc but I am prepared to intervene when necessary e.g biting. Before the incident where my DD bit a child, my DD told me that said child "does this to me" and pulled my jumper quite roughly on my chest...so I would imagine that there is a bit of conflict between certain children. Anyway I have voiced my concerns so I will see how her behaviour is when she returns in the New Year.

OP posts:

IsItMeOr · 25/12/2013 21:56

Thanks goshhhhhh, appreciate that .

peppajay · 27/12/2013 12:20

My son used to be a hair puller, he was terrible between about the ages of 1 and 3 and we were hermits in our home because he couldn't go anywhere without grabbing a handful of hair. It was never done out of malice just seemed to do it as a way of exploring. Horrible at the time as other parents were so judgmental. Those people who did understand said it would pass and it did but not until he got to about 3.5. But for 2 years he was a really hated child and nothing worked - pre school and I worked together to try and get him to stop but nothing worked and they then decided to move him up a group and as soon as he started doing more and more structured activities to keep him stimulated it stopped. I found he needed stimulated activities such as music groups or swimming - todd groups or soft play were no good as he had nothing to keep him focused. Such a hard period but it does pass. Not every child goes through it but a lot do!! Hope you get through it soon and try not to get too down about it!! x

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