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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Nursery say he's "emotional"

20 replies

smearedinfood · 19/12/2013 21:58

I'm actually quite a level headed person and don't find DS particularly "emotional" and i do have a disliking for over dramatic people, but maybe I'm just used to him.

From some of the posts on here, i've never had to leave him in his room to just calm down. Usually I just talk it through with him, although I probably am a big softie.

Most of his tantrums happen when I turn the tv off but he gets over it within minutes.

Surely 3 year olds are allowed 1 - 2 tantrums a day.

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JingleJohnsJulie · 19/12/2013 22:20

Have they given you any examples smeared?

MillyMollyMama · 20/12/2013 00:31

I would have been very upset if my children had had one or two tantrums a day at 3 years old. That could be 14 a week. I think that is too many and I cannot believe the number of people who have this problem when they switch the tv off. I think you are right to talk to him but I would try and sidestep the flash points if you know what they are. Could you go without the tv? What else causes a tantrum? I freely admit I had a very low tolerance of tantrums and especially repeat performances over the same issue. Why has the nursery used the term emotional? That sounds more like crying!

Original poster

smearedinfood · 20/12/2013 10:34

Good point Jingle I will ask for examples.

I've done quite a lot of reading about tantrums and I was under the understanding that 1 a day is still considered normal for a 3 year old.

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brettgirl2 · 20/12/2013 12:55

I think it depends how you define 'tantrum'. I think its common for them to be whingy and try crying to get their own way at 3. Full on tantrumming is difficult. By 3 if I told dd she was losing toys the tears dried up.

I definitely think the more tv my 4yo watches the worse her behaviour is. I found from about 3 that the less I tried to please her all the time the better she was.

I also found that it seemed to come and go so don't panic.

insancerre · 20/12/2013 12:59

by emotional they might mean that he cries every time he is told off or spoken to about his behaviour
they might mean that he cries for lots of other reasons too, like frustration when things don't go his way

JingleJohnsJulie · 20/12/2013 15:54

When you say he tantrums when you turn the tv off, do you give him warning that its going off in xx minutes? Is he just whingy when it goes off or by tantrum do you mean full on screaming and crying? How do you react to his tantrums?

Let us know what examples nursery come up with too

kerry85 · 20/12/2013 16:04

I work in a nursery and when we use the term "emotional" we mean crying

matana · 20/12/2013 16:07

What is a 'tantrum' - is it all hell breaks loose, screaming and kicking blue murder for 30 minutes, or are we talking more about a hissy fit that last a few minutes? My DS has a few hissy fits most days, but they're never what i would describe as a 'tantrum'. He tantrums when he's very tired, or hungry, usually in the evenings and, to be honest, at the moment it's probably most evenings because his CM has stopped making him nap - so the only time he naps during the day now is when he's at home. He's exhausted by 6 or 6.30 on his long CM days.

Anyway, 'emotional' can mean so many things. Find me a mother who says their child is un-emotional and i'll show you a liar. They're still very little at 3 and susceptible to tiredness and frustration. Has your DS been unsettled for any reason recently? Is the nursery setting new to him? Is he (like mine) slowly giving up his nap and missing his mojo at certain times of the day? How are they defining 'emotional'?

My DS gets really frustrated when he can't do things. He's just reached a really independent phase and it bugs the hell out of him when he can't do up his own zip for example. Yours?

Original poster

smearedinfood · 22/12/2013 10:00

I think Insancerre has nailed it. I just assumed that all toddlers did this and mystified by the idea that some toddlers may cooperate with everything you might say...

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insancerre · 22/12/2013 11:48

smeared, I work in a nursery and most 3 year olds are compliant most of the time for the nursery staff even if they are still difficult for their parents
that's because most of them have worked out that the nursey has consistent boundaries that means a a tantrum is pointless
maybe the nursery doesn't have a consistent approach to his behaviour?
might be worth asking them to see their behaviour policy and ask how they handle him

Nevercan · 22/12/2013 13:09

My dd2 gets "emotional" I.e crying to wards the end of the day when she is tired and hasn't had a nap.

RandomMess · 22/12/2013 13:12

Also is he just 3 or nearer 4? I would also being asked is he becoming more emotional as the term has gone on or the same as he was at the beginning?

hmmmum · 22/12/2013 15:34

Surely some people are just more emotional than others, as well, and maybe the nursery was just commenting on that? I would say it's neither a good nor a bad thing; it can be a good thing if channelled the right way. My dd is definitely "emotional" and I see it as my job as a parent to help her learn how to manage this in a good way (not that this is an easy job....) Sometimes it can just be exhausting dealing with all her up's and down's and we certainly don't encourage her to be a drama queen, we are always helping her to be calm. For example she will get very upset with the slightest telling-off. However I feel things very deeply and intensely, as does my husband, so I suppose she didn't stand a chance! My husband was "very emotional" as a child and he is now the most caring, strong person and is a deep thinker and very loving, so there you go.

Original poster

smearedinfood · 22/12/2013 22:39

I think at nursery he's more inclined to have disagreements over toys which he doesn't have at as he's an only at the moment.

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Prozacbear · 23/12/2013 10:49

I definitely notice that some children at DS' nursery are more 'emotional' than others ... and it is crying. Is your DS able to express himself verbally? Perhaps he gets frustrated that he's not being understood (or perhaps listened to) at nursery, and so he gets emotional.

FWIW, DS has a tantrum once a week or so - normally because he wants to be carried and I want him to walk the 50 bloody meters to the bus stop

With TV, I find the only way that works is a 10-minute warning, 5-minute warning, and then asking DS to turn it off himself. Also, providing a suitable alternative and positioning it as more fun than TV!

teacherlikesapples · 23/12/2013 22:31

I have worked with hundreds of 3 year olds over the years and I would say most of them have the occasional tantrum. Certainly not 1-2 a day.

All of that really makes no difference to your situation though. Your child will be different at home than how they are at nursery. It is a completely different situation. Being in a group situation, with other children in a busy, stimulating environment. There are a number of reasons why your child might be 'emotional' at nursery- the good thing is that they want to start a discussion with you about it, resolve it, help him gain the skills he needs to manage his feelings & behaviour at nursery.

Surely that is what is most important? Talk to them about it. Keep an open mind, acknowledge home is different to nursery. Ask them what their observations are, then really listen before you comment.

working9while5 · 23/12/2013 22:49

My question would be would a girl be described the same way for tearfulness at this age.... often boys are expected (unfairly) to be more robust.

Original poster

smearedinfood · 24/12/2013 15:31

They've never come at it from a let's resolve it kind of way, more of a flat description. So I'll tackle it a bit more when nursery starts again in the new year.

He plays with his younger cousin who is always trying to get his attention and in order to do so snatches whatever toy DS is playing with runs off. Q 'sensitive' outburst from DS.

He's quite good at putting his point of view across verbally. Quite stubborn and persistent and uses all those subtle parenting tricks i've read and practised and can do them in reverse.

I'm consoling myself with the fact that I'm due in May and he'll get a bit less nursery and a bit more mummy time soon. He gets warnings about the tv going off but i think he just hopes for a better outcome. He's nearer 3, than 4.

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RandomMess · 24/12/2013 17:54

I think you need to ask the nursery some direct questions - I mean why are they mentioning as a description? Tis bizarre, if they are concerned or want to discuss tactics they need to say that.

So yes tackly the nursery in January and ask what they mean. Pregnancy can be hard for toddlers - they know something is going on which unnerves them. I was very fortunate it completely went over my just 3 year old head - about 95% oblivious, just her personality I think!

meditrina · 24/12/2013 17:59

Yes, you need to talk to the nursey and find out exactly what they mean and why they are concerned. Because nurseries sees scores of DC this age, and are (normally) very good at dealing with all sorts of stuff. When they voice concerns, it is because experienced people are concerned. It's always worth listening to.

Unless of course you don't think staff at your nursery are sufficiently experienced. In which case, start looking for a different nursery.

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