Agressive 4yo ds with bullying tendencies

[CarnivalCake]

I'm at the end of my tether with my youngest son, he is four years old (turns 5 in 4 weeks). This is probably going to be quite long but I want to give the full story in the hope of getting some advice!

He was a very placid baby but as soon as he got to about 2 years old he started to turn into a nightmare, he is getting progressively worse and I'm not sure how to handle his behaviour and I'm scared to think of where he might end up if he carries on like this. He comes across as very confident but also quite domineering, if he senses he has the upper hand in any situation then he will run with it, can be quite bossy, loud and aggressive.

When he was at nursery he was very well behaved (he attended nursery and a child minder part time for about 2 years prior to starting school), his behaviour was difficult at home but he was always fine at nursery and the childminder - neither setting had any concerns.

He started school in September 2013 and I had hoped that he would behave the way he did at nursery... Unfortunately this hasn't been the case, he is getting into trouble most days and having to sit on the 'thinking chair' for not listening. I picked him up from after school club today to be told that he had punched another child and made her cry and also been telling the other children to punch his big brother (who is 8), when the staff at after school club tried to talk to him about his behaviour he wasn't interested and tried blaming everything on his brother (who the staff knew hadn't been involved!!).

he also attends swimming and dance class at the weekend and teachers from both classes have had to pull me aside to have a word about his behaviour, not listening, answering back, etc.

At times he does seem to be quite impulsive and it's as though he finds it hard to control his actions (even said the other day when I was telling him off for shouting aggressively at his brother that the voice just comes out of him and he can't help it.. although that could have been him trying to get out of trouble!!), then at other times his behaviour seems calculated and down right mean.

I am mortified and was almost in tears this evening when I collected him from school, I don't know what to do. He knows that it is unacceptable to punch, hit, kick etc but he just doesn't stop. he is fairly articulate so I do't think his behaviour stems from any frustration around not being able to communicate.

to be honest, sometimes he really just isn't a nice person to be around - he answers back, shouts out, runs away and behaves in what I can only describe as an arrogant manner. I have tried to be quite strict with my boys, this seems to have worked with the older one but the youngest just doesn't seem to get it. It's as though the rules don't apply to him.

Another example of his behaviour... Last week we were watching a christmas performance and because he knew that he needed to be quiet (like everybody else!!), he decided it would be funny to shout out random noises, pull on the chairs of the people in front, jump up and down etc. The show was only 20 minutes long so it's not like he had to sit for hours and hours.

Any ideas or has anyone been through similar?! Sorry, this has turned into an essay but I just want to give as full a picture as possible!

Huge sympathy OP, I have no advice but didn't want you to go unanswered.

Have you tried the GP? Could it be ADHD? Disclaimer: I n
Know very little about this.

Has he's suffered any trauma or upset that would explain his behaviour?

How do you punish him? What about his Dad?

My DS is exactly the same - he's 5 in March, started school in Sept. He's rude, has bullying tendencies and is rotton towards his sister (just turned 9). Before he started school he was calm and delightful to be around.

My feeling is that my DS is tired; full time at school has pretty much worn him out. He's tearful and is sleeping 12-13 hours at night. Unheard of before this past couple of weeks.

Might be as straightforward for your DS, but it maybe worth mentioning to your GP - we're at the doctor tonight for something else and I am going to sound her out about the behaviour.

If he has been well behaved until now then it's unlikely to be ADHD, you would have seen this behaviour from when he was tiny. (I have a son with special needs).

I am not a psycologist, but it sounds like he is upset, frustrated about something? How is his relationship with you and his dad?

Much sympathy, I have 4 boys and the last has been the hardest often much as you describe. Some of the things that have helped (and I don't pretend it's been easy) have been chatting openly with him and his teacher about problems and positives so he knows you talk to each other! Find out the classroom rules; being kind to our friends etc. and praise it specifically if he has managed any of these as it is really hard to be at school when so little (I'm a primary teacher), get others to do this too. I used to also have a clear box of mini presents such as stickers or fun pens which were given out for specific things-the old sticker chart can really work and means you can include any other children. Lastly (sorry for long post) try to have some time where he can be really active and unrestricted and not have to interact too much such as swimming pool. Best of luck xx.

He has always been quite challenging when with me, which at first I thought was just the normal boundary testing that toddlers and children do... but now it seems to be more than that. He is quite impulsive, I have to constantly monitor him when we're out and about (something I've never had to do with my eldest!) in case he does something he shouldn't. I think he senses that I'm tense and definitely plays up to that.

He used to be very well behaved at nursery and with the childminder but was often difficult at home. I am separated from his father, he stays over night with him every other weekend but unfortunately his father isn't much help, he is immature and pretty crap with boundaries, discipline etc.

He definitely is tired from being at school, I started a new job about 6 months ago too which I think could be quite significant. He was used to having me around a lot more... now both my children attend breakfast club and after school club 3 days a week, meaning they are out of the house from 7.45am-6.15pm, this must be quite difficult for my youngest who is also adjusting to being at school.

He hasn't suffered any trauma, separated from his dad when he was about 18 months but I have worked hard to keep things amicable. I'll admit I haven't had a lot of time for either of my children since starting my new job, we generally have a good relationship but I don't get much time with either of my children on their own,

I'm meeting with his teacher this afternoon to see what can be done next, I'm just so worried about his behaviour escalating and him hurting other children.

In regards to punishment, yesterday when I found out he had punched another child I sat him down and told him how disappointed I was, that we do not hit, punch, kick, bite, etc. and how unkind that is. I asked him how he would feel if someone hit him and he told me he would feel sad. Also talked to him about how we don't want our friends to feel sad. Admittedly sometimes I do lose my temper and shout but I know that isn't going to help the situation at all so do try very hard not to get to that stage!!

When I dropped him off this morning at school I had a quiet word with him and reminded him that we must be kind to our friends, I'm making a conscious effort to talk to him about the kind of behaviour he should display, rather than focusing on what he shouldn't but I am really struggling.

I like the idea of having a box of stickers, he loves things like that!

Thank you for your replies, just having my feelings written down is helping to clear my head a bit, I'm also grateful for all your ideas and suggestions Ishtar2410 hope you get some support from the GP today.

oops, another ridiculously long post!

You sound as though you have a lot to deal with but are doing a terrific job. Do go and chat to the pastoral team at school, they should have one, they should also give you some support too. X

Carnival we went through this last year and we did two things at school which worked quite well (haven't been as successful at home).

Firstly home / school communication book so he knows you will definitely find out and back up school. Secondly the teacher gave a sticker if he did something kind/ good but she then took it away if he was unkind. He had to have three stickers by hometime or else would loose TV or something at home. This was very effective and worked within 2-3 weeks. Combined with lots of talk about kinds hands etc

It does sound like he is reacting to your job and is overtired but mine had speech and language difficulties so this can still work regardless of cause.

Had a chat with his teacher yesterday who was very nice about it all, she told me that from January there will be a behaviour support working doing some group work with a small group of boys in my son's class who have low level behavioural issues. From what I understood, this strategy seems to be centred around nurturing their emotional development - I think this is a very good idea and I'm hopeful it will help DS. There are a few other children in the class who struggle to manage with the boundaries/rules in class and the teacher is keen to deal with this and hopefully nip it in the bud before it escalates.

I did want to suggest a communication book when I spoke to the teacher but didn't quite have the confidence to suggest it, I know how busy the classroom is and I doubt the teacher would have time to fill it in regularly.. Felt like it might seem like I'm asking too much but is this something others have used with school?

Fingers crossed I can make some progress with him over the next two weeks.

School, after school club, 2 clubs at the weekend..it's a lot of people telling him what to do all the time. Why not stop the weekend clubs and see if that help?

I had hoped the weekend activities would be good for him, a positive way to burn off some energy... He's not too bad in those classes, he does enjoy them, messes about and struggles to listen at times but he doesn't lash out at anyone (touch wood).

I will see how things are in January, might just cut it down to one weekend activity and see how he gets on.