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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I Think We Have Messed Up Potty Training...Need Advice On Where To Go From Here Please

22 replies

FixItUpChappie · 19/12/2013 17:06

My son is 3.2yrs and we have been potty training to some degree or another since spring. Initially we did the big kick off with sticker charts and a week at home, setting the timer and going every 30min. He would go, get his sticker but never progressed to telling us himself that he had to go potty. There were so many accidents we decided he wasn't ready and to stopped over the summer (I mean he would sit on the potty get off and then poop his pants within minutes kind of accidents).

We started again in the fall. Again sticker charts, keeping it positive - he began to do most poops in the toilet (only if we put him on regularly though - he does not offer to go EVER). We thought we were making some progress but last 3 weeks or so he doesn't want to go potty. Screams, cries, poops in his pants - doesn't even want to try.

I created a "potty bag" of bits and bobs he can play with when he sits on the potty - no go. I bought an Elmo potty video which he loves. Has no effect on his potty usage though. I even offered chocolate! No luck.

I'm not sure what to do TBH. I thought making potty a battle was a total no-no....I don't really think we should stop altogether again though?

What do you seasoned mums suggest?

We have a special Thomas potty, he wears thin pull ups day time, diaper at night. We tried just undies but it was a literal mess.

OP posts:

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Sundaedelight · 19/12/2013 17:27

It's the toughest part IMO. I didn't find any kind of bribery helped. we had to wait for the "penny to drop".

All I can advise is that whilst you are trying so hard to make it appealing, it may be backfiring. Maybe not mention the potty at all for a few days? Keep the pull ups for practical use. Then after a few days, just take him off to the potty at regular intervals, put him on, wait to see if anything happens and then carry on as normal! Don't make a big issue and use any kind of distraction! Good luck!

matana · 19/12/2013 17:28

Maybe stickers don't motivate him. Ds just looked down his nose at stickers, just not interested at all. We did chocolate buttons and they worked brilliantly. Also however messy and painful it is I would put him in pants not pull ups.

Rachelx92 · 19/12/2013 17:29

Hiya, I too was having success in the last few weeks of daytime training but my dd's dad keeps her in pull ups all day when he's off work despite my constant nagging! Anyway we have 2 cats so I tell my dd the cats are waiting to watch her go potty which encourages her. Or mentioning that her favourite toy is watching. Have you also tried having the potty in the bathroom when you go to the loo aswell?

LillianaMarie · 19/12/2013 17:30

People used to say to me... Is your son potty trained yet? All the time and it stressed me out to the point i was stressing my son out. It was only when we stopped, stopped talking about it and were more relaxed and left the potty out randomly around the house that my son felt ready to do it by himself. Some children take longer, but don't worry he'll get there when he feels ready x

ShoeWhore · 19/12/2013 17:36

In my experience, if it's hard work they just aren't quite ready yet. When they are ready it will be easy, I promise.

I know this is hard to believe. But I had a disastrous attempt at potty training with ds2 a month before his 3rd birthday. Gave up, left it for 6 weeks (waiting for holidays as couldn't face the school run ) and he was brilliant from the off - one accident on day 2 and that was it.

Ds3 was over 3 1/2 when he finally cracked it but again once he was ready it was pretty straightforward (not quite as easy as ds2 but not hard or stressful at all) I thought he was never going to get there but he did eventually

In all honesty I would suggest giving yourselves a break over Christmas, back into pullups/nappies, relax and enjoy it all and try again in January. (You could keep the potty in the bathroom but not mention it unless he offers to use it - or you could even put it right away for a couple of weeks)

flatmum · 19/12/2013 17:39

my advice with 3 boys and having just completed the process for the youngest who was 3 in October is this. Forget about it over Christmas, give him and yourselves a break from it all. Then first practical week in January, bit the bullet and put him in pants ALL week no matter what. This is so hard to do, I know. The mess will be terrible (luckily my d goes to nursery so they dealt with most of it). Throw away the pooey ones, but lots of cool pants with Thomas etc on. You could be done and dusted within a few weeks. we were lucky with ds1 who just freakishly did it in one week at 2 and a half while we were on holiday and Carried a portable potty with us everywhere we went. We didn't realise how unusual this was. With ds2 we did the softly softly approached, kept him in pull ups, couldn't bring ourselves to go cold turkey with the pants, and the whole painful, long-drawn out process took months! And months! Ds 3 we picked a pants week. Week 1 was carnage. Week 2 was 50-50, doing all wees in potty, some poos. By end of week 3 he was pretty much there. A couple of weeks later he was consistently dry in te mornings so we too the night nappies off.

You've got to bite the bullet at some point with pants I think or they just never have the incentive to make an effort to go on the potty as they know they've still got a backup nappy on.

Original poster

FixItUpChappie · 19/12/2013 17:48

Great feedback thanks! Intuitively I feel like we need to back off as no good can come of making it a battle. I think your right - time to go back to undies. I think we'll lay off for a few weeks then right to undies in January. I have to go back to work (am on mat leave for DS2) in February so there is still time before we get back to nursery.

Its so true about the pressure! My parents and ILs ask constantly.

OP posts:

thegreylady · 19/12/2013 20:10

We chose toys rhat dgs would really like [cowboys and horses in his case] If he weed in the potty he got a cowboy and if he pooed he got the horse! It was brilliant. His younger brother just did it himself aged 2.

inadreamworld · 21/12/2013 19:13

Watching this thread - have a 2.8 year old and in laws and my own Mum giving me hell about starting potty training her. She says she doesn't want to use the potty and Mummy should use it. She also says it is dangerous. She talks well for her age. She says she wants a Peppa Pig potty which I will get. She also tells me when she has DONE a poo not when she wants to do one. Also screams 'doesn't need a nappy change' every time I change her. I have messed something up somewhere. I have an 11 month old too so 2 of them still in nappies!!! I am looking for any advice on this thread that will help me.....good luck OP!

crescentmoon · 21/12/2013 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

starlight1234 · 21/12/2013 20:59

My DS was great no nappy put him in pants instant wee's..I decided to bite the bullet in the end...

Maybe try the toilet rather than potty with seat? Buy special pants with characters he loves...

Do the things he loves while sat on the potty, sing nursery rhymes.read fave book..

but if it is not working then back off stressed out parents do not help toilet training...

Don't worry what everyone else thinks..he will do it when he is ready... I always used to get my son to sit on potty and have a wee wee with mummy before his bath he seemed to like that...

Cresent moon how old is your LO..they might want him potty trained but if he isn't ready he isn't ready..

MillyMollyMama · 21/12/2013 21:03

I consulted my Doctor when my DD was 2.9 as she showed no inclination whatsoever. However she was bright and articulate so I could not understand what the problem was. He said to put her back in nappies, change her as required, make no comment when changing the nappy and do not talk about, or attempt, potty training for at least 2 months. At 3.1 she was dry at night and all day. Children learn compartmentally. If they are not ready, they can be stubbornly not ready. They might be racing ahead in some other area of development as my DD did. Also boys seem to be a bit later. I found this advice worked for us but I am not an expert and next DD was 2.6 when dry in the day, but she did not get to Oxford University.

flatmum · 21/12/2013 21:36

I agree chill, chill, chill! If its really hard work, they're not ready, wait a bit, and they will be. These are still really little kids - I dont know who decided they should be potty trained at 2, ime 3 is more typical, for boys particularly.

And I don't think Nurseries should dictate - they should be able to cope with kids at all stages of potty training. I have also found that peer pressure is very helpful - a couple of weeks in a nursery where most children are toilet trained is often a great motivator to get on with it.

inadreamworld · 21/12/2013 22:12

MillyMolly thank you - your post really cheered me up. My DD 2.8 bright and articulate too but potty training isn't happening so I will leave it for a bit.

Iwillorderthefood · 21/12/2013 22:28

DD1 was easy after one false start when she went through 7 pants in a morning. I have upup, waited a couple of months and tried again. She got it really quickly.

DD2 was scared of wearing pants, she screamed and cried. In the end the only thing that worked, was one smartie for a wee, two for a poo. Not what you are supposed to do, but she was dry night and day within a month. She was 2.10 but I think girls often do it a little quicker.

crescentmoon · 22/12/2013 08:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

matana · 22/12/2013 09:00

Also just to say I was getting pressure since ds turned 2. I waited until I was absolutely sure he was ready just before he turned 3 and it was easy. Most of the hard part was done in 4 days. I just took a really laid back approach, encouraged him to sit on the potty at regular intervals, went straight to big boy pants and gave him chocolate buttons as a reward. He got the hang in no time. I chose a very settled time with no distractions or trips away from the home.

ShoeWhore · 22/12/2013 22:21

crescentmoon the nursery may prefer him to be potty trained but they absolutely cannot insist on it. That is considered discriminatory. If he's not quite there they will have to deal with it.

flatmum · 23/12/2013 14:25

completely agree - and I think you will find they will help you deal with it pretty quickly and it will be fine - just send him in in pants on the first day and explain you are doing it to speed up th epotty training they have said is their preference

you will get lots of little unpleasant bags home for a week or two (i told them to chuck any pooey ones - lifes too short) - and the peer pressure should help.

crescentmoon · 23/12/2013 17:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

FixItUpChappie · 23/12/2013 18:30

Hi, just saw some further responses on this thread. Good to hear there are others in the same boat (sorry, tis true misery loves company ).

I spoke to our nursery this past week and they are okay with him starting back not yet trained so that eases some pressure off for me.

I think for us there is some issue with our son wanting to be the "baby" sometimes as we have a 10 month old. We really play up the benefits of being a big boy and how his brother can't do x,y.z because he is not a big boy, but I still think that impacts the situation. Also, we are at times inconsistent in remembering to get him to go TBH...you get in the house and the baby wants a bottle etc etc and sometimes potty has been put on backburner - so we have some culpability.

OP posts:

HippyJo · 27/12/2013 19:27

We gave up with the potty! My son toilet trained at 3.5 standing up.... It's how he sees his daddy go, so that's how he went! We used a pee ball to encourage his aim and asked him every 20 minutes or so to try. He's 4.5 now and still we struggle with getting him to poo. We now bribe him to go to the toilet every second day, by giving him a treat! He was pooing his pants because he was trying to hold his poo in, so this is the alternative! He started school on September and will only now sit and wee (he has a potty in his room for night time as our bathroom is downstairs) which he can use, but will try not too. He just doesn't like sitting down to poo or wee! Whatever you try, it's trial and error, and what we do isn't perfect, but it works for our son. I don't think we'll still be bribing him to poop in a few years, so there's nothing we're stressing about. Good luck xx

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