Please tell me what I do wrong....

[jaabaar]

Hi

My DD nearly 4 years old does not listen to anything we tell her.
She talks back all the time.
She is not bothered about any punishments we give her, except for the first time.

For example she was afraid of the dark. As a very last resort I have put her in her room with lights off for 3 min. She cried for 30 seconds saying she doesn't like it. Then by the 35th second she says I like staying in the dark and starts singing Christmas songs very happily.

I take off stickers from her reward chart for not listening. She cries for one minute and is upset. Next time she didn't listen she offers herself to take off two stickers happily!

This is how she handles her punishments and they become useless.

We are always consequent and consistent with her without exception. Always making sure she understands what is expected of her and what the consequences are of good behaviour and of unacceptable behaviour.

At nursery they told me she behaves well and that she is very intelligent.
They say she behaves like this because she is intelligent. I do not agree with that.

I am in tears as it is constant constant constant.

I appreciate any suggestions on what else I could do.

She is very social and friendly with everyone. Even people she meets first time. Adults and children alike.

Wherever we go she manages to entertain whole crowds (vets, dentist, shopkeepers, etc)

She's doing it because she's intelligent and because it presses your buttons!

I don't think it's kind to put a child (especially one who is afraid) in a room with the lights off. Personal opinion. Having said that, she's found that she can overcome her fear of the dark and so your punishment was no longer a punishment.

Once you start removing stickers from a sticker chart, you're taking away the power of her earning them - if you can take them away later, what's the point of her trying to get one? Once given, they should stay.

If you push her into a corner, she'll fight. My DD3 is 4 and is exactly the same.

Ignore, ignore and ignore. Only react if the behaviour is genuinely dangerous/destructive.

She wants your response.

Oh god im sorry but im so relieved she sounds like my dd also 4! Nursery say she is quiet and well behaved and her grandparents ect always report she is good for them its me! I think she hates me! Sorry for this very unhelpful post but your not alone. Xx

Oh I share your pain! Well, I did I mean - my 4 year old was exactly the same and a massive tantrummer too. I went to a parenting course at the children's centre (Webster-Stratton - the incredible years - it was really good) because I couldn't cope with her.

The main thing they emphasised there was praise the good and ignore the bad. I was convinced this would not work for her and it doesn't totally but it helps a lot. Just praise and reward every good thing she does, no matter how tiny, especially things that you want to change, like listening. I also just had one punishment, which was time out, so basically being excluded if she couldn't behave as expected, to cut out that failed punishment business.

For the listening, I get down to her level, make her look at me, and tell her clearly what she needs to do. This sometimes works.

There are also ' natural consequences' that I use eg if she doesn't listen and do what she needs to do eg tidy up before going out or whatever, there isn't time to eg watch five minutes of tv. This also sometimes works.

One last thing I do is change my language slightly. I used to say "if you don't blah blah, then...". Now I say "when you have (got dressed), you can (do something good)". That also works ok.

Good luck!

I agree with above poster that your punishments are not effective.

Stickers shouldn't be taken away - they lose their value. Try reminding her what she's saving stickers for and what behaviour will earn them eg "If you speak to me nicely / do what I ask all day you'll get another sticker. Only 10 more to get before you get your trip to soft play (or whatever treat you have promised on completion of chart). This takes the focus off her bad behaviour too.

My d also 4 just like yours she is very bright by turning the lights of herself shes trying to take the controll out of your hands , we do time out and dont change the punishment my d would put herself in timeout so we just followed it through she was trying to make us think it doesnt bother her but it does the next time Iput her on time out she did get upset you just have to persavere

My 4 yo DS was like this, except his behaviour was quite bad at nursery too. I would agree with trying to find things to praise as often as possible. I also found that giving him a choice helps. I can't think of any good examples right now but along the lines of if you do this behaviour then a good thing will happen or if you choose not to do it then it won't happen/or time out. I did pick my battles too and tried to ignore as much as possible, for example I don't care what he wears and if he refuses to put a coat on - fine - he will ask for it when he is cold!

Also when we were out I did threaten to leave somewhere if he was behaving inappropriately and knew in my mind that I would leave if necessary. They can definitely see through empty threats.

He is in reception now and his behaviour is much better since starting school, partly I think he is tired out more (both intellectually and physically) so he sleeps better. (Although he is struggling a bit this close to end of term!)

Good Luck, I know how draining it is!

Yes, should have added that my daughter is now nearly 6 and much better behaved. I'm sure part if it is just their age and also learning that they can choose the result. So I also agree with getting them to make a choice eg if refusing to get out of the bath (for eg) say 'ok you can choose - do you want to stay in the bath for five minutes and miss your story, or get out in one minute and have a story" - or something. So she sees she can have good things if she wants.