How to stop before it gets worse

[daisydee43]

Hi

My dd1.5 is really hard work (been reading the thread 'talk to me abt 2yos' which has worried me) how do you stop the bad behaviour before it's a fully blown terrible two?

Dd needs 24/7 attention, won't let me eat, needs to eat alone, throws tantrums at the word 'no', gets attached to every item possible so can't take anything off her, very jealous if I hold another child and hates getting dressed,

Really want her to be happy but behaved at the same time

I don't think you can - but it's not a cause for concern. The "terrible two" behaviour is developmental - there is no short cut! :) If it helps to think about it that way rather than a behaviour "issue".

Basically they are undergoing a big stage in their development, like teenagers - if you can remember how turbulent being a teenager was, that will help you understand a bit, and add into that that their language is still developing, so they can't always communicate what they want, they often don't even know what it is they are feeling, experiencing or what they want which makes it even harder. As well as this their emotions are really just developing so when they feel angry or upset or scared or misunderstood it's REALLY overwhelming to them, and can be quite scary on top of what the emotion or feeling is itself.

If you can try to think of this all empathetically, and think of it as steering them through the maze of "WTF-ness" that is being a toddler, you will find it much easier to deal with and less stressful. So things like appreciating that she's finding stuff hard to cope with, helping her to verbalise her emotions, showing her alternative ways to express a particular feeling or drive (like, you can't throw that toy but what about this soft foam ball or scrunched up paper, or you can't climb on that, but let's go to the park later) and trying to explain as much as you can in advance (when we get to the big road you need to sit in the pushchair, after 3 more goes on the slide we have to go home, today we are going to have breakfast, then go to the shops, and after the shops we will go and visit Granny) - make sure you explain stuff in terms that they can understand, like sequences of events. And outline your expectations in advance. (When we get on the bus, we have to choose a seat and then we have to sit still in our seat and not move around).

Your DD sounds perfectly normal for an 18 month old.

And don't worry! :) This is why they start out as newborns - portable and stay where you leave them - it gets harder, yes, but slowly. You'll be fine.

Wise words there from Bertie.

Try to comfort yourself with the thought that she is still small and portable: she doesn't have to obey and respect you every single moment of the day because the odds are still stacked in your favour and you can achieve everything you absolutely need to achieve: keep her safe, keep other children safe, keep property more or less intact and ensure that you get to where you need to be for when you need to be there.

By the time she is a teenager, she will have to be able to manage all that for herself, because you won't be able to do it for her. So that is what you are both aiming for. But it doesn't all have to happen now or even in the next few years.

She does sound very much like my dd at that age. And she is now a very mature and sensible and really rather charming 17yo. It took a few years. But we got there in the end.