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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Problems with step daughter

14 replies

LillianaMarie · 17/12/2013 11:33

I've married a non english man and moved to his country with my son. We are both loving it here and learning the language well and fast... But there is one problem...

I have a 7 year old step daughter who speaks a different language but i try to speak to her. Her behaviour is really shocking! I play with her, spend time with her and 50% of the time she is a sweet wonderful child, the other half of the time she is screaming, swearing in english (learnt from her mum apparently and tv and when i say swearing i mean... Wow not just little words) she spits, hits my son and is very demanding, spits out her food, slaps etc etc etc. one day she said my name and i turned around and she was touching her private area with no clothes on. I told my husband and in laws straight away and they say its nirmal for kids to explore their bodies and theyre more open than the english but i think its VERY wrong!

I feel so sorry for her and feel there must be something happening to make her behave this way. My husband seems to have given up on her and that makes me mad and sad... Shes just a little girl but what can i do?

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Original poster

LillianaMarie · 17/12/2013 11:38

We only have her one weekend a fortnight. I live with my in laws husband and son and when shes here she gets all the attention and love but nothing seems to make her happy

OP posts:

cory · 18/12/2013 11:00

A couple of thoughts spring to mind:

she is swearing but she is swearing in a foreign language, which means they are just odd noises to her; even if you tell her they are bad words she won't feel their strength in the same way as she would feel them in her own language
(I have lived 20 years in the UK, speaking the language well enough to teach it, and have learnt to moderate my language according to my audience, but I haven't really internalised it in the same way as I have internalised my native swear words- there are words I can use quite happily in English which I could never use in my first language)

you use very strong language re her nudity and touching- do you have unusually strong views on this subject yourself? I agree that she probably shouldn't be doing it, and that it does sound as if she is doing it to annoy you, but could it be that you have shown displeasure at different cultural attitudes towards nudity in the past and that she is using it to wind you up?

and most importantly, could it be that your moving in with her dad has all been a bit too quick for her? getting a new family member who speaks a different language would be a massive upheaval in anybody's book: how much work was done to prepare her for this?

Original poster

LillianaMarie · 19/12/2013 09:09

I know what you mean about the swearing but she does it in her own language too and the things she says often involve sex.

Regarding nudity, if any culture in the world finds it ok for a 7 year old to strip and start masterbating infront of people is normal... Then wow!

Thank you for blaming this all on me and making me out to be a problem. I am trying to help her yet have been attacked.

Her father and mother split up 4 years ago because her mother (who i actually get on fine with) got pregnant by another man, kicked my husband out, moved him in, kicked him out then got pregnant by another man and moved him in. My husband and i were with each other not living with each other for 2 and a half years and have only just moved in together. She has met me many many times and is fine but portrays very worrying behaviour. She talks about her step father watching her naked in the shower, about sexual acts and you think its my fault because i moved in with her father??

Obviously won't be getting any help here.

OP posts:

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 19/12/2013 09:16

Wow there is fair bit of dripfeeding there!

Also, you seem a bit quick to write off all MN if it us not going your way.

As the OP, what does your husband say about any of this? It can't be all up to you to desl with, surely?

As to 7 yr ols touching themselves, they do, and need to be told by the adults in their life it is not appropriate.

Are you msking out the girl us domehow sexually abused? Not clear from your postings. Agsin, have you spoken to DH about it?

Original poster

LillianaMarie · 19/12/2013 09:34

Getting my own way??? I am trying to help a little girl and would have liked some support and helpful advise rather than being hung drawn and quartered.

Yes its normal for a child to explore their bodies but as i said when they are actually masterbating and saying very sexual things they must have learnt that from somewhere! And im scared FOR her. Sorry for caring!!

OP posts:

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 19/12/2013 09:36

God you are huffy

FiscalCliffRocksThisTown · 19/12/2013 09:39

If you think there is sexual abuse going on please clarify this to your partner and take the appropriate steps together ( speak to mum/ step- dad, involve SS if necessary), and meanwhile stay patient with the girl. She is only a small child.

Original poster

LillianaMarie · 19/12/2013 10:56

When something is as important to yourself as this and people are blaming you you might get "huffy" too. This is not just choosing a christmas present or deciding what to wear at a party, i have a genuine concern for the safety if a child.

There is no ss here im not in the UK hence why i asked for help, but nevermind i shall ask for help elsewhere. Thank you.

OP posts:

sunshinenanny · 19/12/2013 12:08

Lillian you don't say what country you have moved to but is there any safeguarding or childcare organisation you could contact if only to ask for advice anonymously.

This little girl doesn't sound very happy to me and while it is normal for children to explore their bodies if she's using sexual language that seems unusual for her age it needs to be looked into. It does seem like she was trying to shock you when she said your name and drew your attention to the masturbating. much of her other bad behaviour seems to be attention seeking but it's worrying none the less. you must talk to her father about this and if you get on with the mother try to talk to her.

It is also worrying that she seems to have had to cope with her mother bringing a succession of strange men into her life.

It comes across very clearly that your concern for this child is genuine so I hope things get better

I remember in my safeguarding class It was pointed out that if you have a concern about a child, not to talk to your friend or sister or anyone else except the people concerned or a professional so perhaps a discussion forum is not the best way to go.

I wouldn't get into the social care route lightly but only you can judge if abuse is going on and better safe than kicking yourself years down the line because abuse was happening and you did nothing

Original poster

LillianaMarie · 22/12/2013 00:21

I posted a thread on here anonymously about the abuse im receiving why do i get more support for me than me asking for a child??

OP posts:

ExBrightonBauble · 22/12/2013 00:54

I'm sorry to hear you are receiving abuse - do you mean abuse in your rl living situation, or abuse on MN from other posters?

If you mean rl abuse, then maybe this is also a factor in how your step daughter is behaving, if you think she may be exposed to it too?

Have you been able to discuss your step daughter's inappropriate behaviour with your DH? It's not OK for him to "give up" on her - she is is daughter, and your and your DH might be her only chance to sort out what could be a serious problem. Who else should be fighting for her other than her father?

As I don't know what country you are in I can't suggest who you could talk to about this that could help. If there are no appropriate authorities, are there any charities to do with child safety that you could approach? As you are from the UK (I'm assuming?) maybe you could ring the NSPCC for advice?

I do feel that your DH needs to lead where your step daughter is concerned. Of course you should also be involved, but he must accept that he has parental responsibility and that he should be fighting to ensure his daughter has a happy and safe childhood. I just don't understand why a father would give up on his 7 year old daughter! Maybe if she was 17 and behaving horribly, but 7! She's still just a small child.

Earlspearl · 25/12/2013 21:54

I think you should raise your concerns with an official body. There must be something inappropriate going on for her to behave in a sexual manner.

tiredlady · 25/12/2013 22:04

OP
Not sure why you are getting such a hard time on here. What you describe does sound worrying - 7 yr old girl masturbating in private, stepp dad watching her in the shower etc.
What is her dad doing about all of this? Why isn't he more concerned? Does he think everything is fine?

BertieBowtiesAreCool · 25/12/2013 22:08

Probably because abuse against you is more definite than potential abuse against a child, more posters have experience of abuse in relationships than witnessing a child's behaviour who may be being abused and finally I am presuming you posted the former in Relationships which is far busier than this board.

But I must say your question comes across as oddly attention seeking. What is there to consider? If you suspect a child is being abused you report it. If you yourself are a victim of abuse the issue is trickier because for abuse victims it is usually far less clear cut and more support is needed.

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