Really dreading him starting nursery :(

[Emilycreaven999]

My son will start nursery come September next year and will be a week away from turning 4
He's never been left with anyone other than my husband as we've never felt the need to
He has a younger brother and we are out every day without fail so he is very well socialised
He is the most confident outgoing little boy and is great amongst other children but if he loses sight of me or another adult that he doesnt know talks to him whilst out he will run back to me or not engage in conversion with them.
Really worried about how he will settle

You've had some good advice, another suggestion is to find a casual class he could attend once a week. Where I live once the kids are 3 there are quite a few unparented classes you can sign up for, such as indoor soccer/sports, or toddler time/art adventure/music type things, usually just an hour a week and you could stay and watch for the first few times - this way he gets to do something fun and independent but it is not such a big deal as starting pre-school.

This is what I did with my DD1, the classes get them used to some of the structure of pre-school/nursery with circle time etc.

Have you visited the nursery? I found it very encouraging to visit a school nursery just a couple of weeks into term and see how happy they all were. Many who'd never been away from parents before. They're very used to settling children in and actually I think the every day aspect helps them settling very quickly - once a 4 yr old has been doing something everyday for a week they feel totally at home!

I do actually think it's not a bad idea to make the odd mention of it. We did this about both big school and having a sibling with DS. It was occasionally mentioned months and months in advance as an exciting thing that would happen "one day" or "when you're a big boy", so by the time it came around it had a lot of positive association in his mind.

Thanks again for your responses,
I've been to see the nursery and loved it, he ran off to play and cried when we left!
However when the teacher showed me the outdoor bit whilst he was busy playing with the sand table, he was hysterical as he couldn't see me :(
He's so confident but clearly this is when I'm there and it all changes when I'm out of sight.
They don't do half weeks, he will have the Monday with me and then start the Tuesday alone

Wow, they've made a rod for their own backs with that 'settling in' programme! Usually it is over a week. You stay an hour, then less, then less etc. etc. But I guess you need to play it their way...I assume they only start a few at a time or it would be hideous.

Both my kids started nursery at 4 and had not been left with anyone except their dad and I.
They were very close to me, and the nursery allowed me to stay as long as I liked to get them settled. I stayed for the first three sessions with my son, and all of half an hour before she waved me a big smile and a wave to let me know she was fine to be left.
I don't do tears and would not have left them upset or crying, but the whole transition was quite easy. I needn't have worried.

I only hope it's as easy for mine!
I don't know what I'll do if he is crying clinging to me going in :(
I'm aware that they don't " have " to go to nursery at all but I'd
Worry what message I'd be sending if I took him
Out at the first hurdle

If my child was crying then I wouldn't leave him. It was as simple as that for me. Luckily our nursery/school were extremely supportive of us Mums ( an there were quite a few of us) who wouldn't leave a crying child. We could stay as long as we liked, backing off to the corner, doing a gradual retreat, saying were were nipping off to the shop for 10 minutes etc, extending the periods that the child was left. If it took a few hours, a couple of days or even a week or two the staff were always happy.

However when the teacher showed me the outdoor bit whilst he was busy playing with the sand table, he was hysterical as he couldn't see me

Did you tell him where you were going? Mine would panic if he thought I was there then he turned round and I wasn't.

We've found a swift settling in and a swift handover works really well for us. Much to our surprise as DS is quite shy and cautious in new places!
I think actually he would have found going into a room with lots of other parents (= strange adults) around much more scary than just going in with his teacher. And there was a clear delineation - parents went up to the cloakroom, after that was children's territory. So as we never went into the classroom he wouldn't look for us there.

When DS started nursery the one session I went in he was upset and clingy. The next day he walked in on his own with the teacher no fuss at all. I was all set up to refuse to leave him crying and ask for more settling sessions! He was well prepped with talking about what would happen and all the fun they were going to have. Do your nursery do a home visit so they've met the teacher first?

Hi again,
Yes the teacher will come and do a home visit the month before he starts.
This is to check we are in the catchment area as well as to see the child is their home environment and to familiarise them with the teacher

H

My ds is a bit younger but he started nursery recently at 2.2yo having had no other childcare (apart from grandad and daddy) since birth. He's really struggled tbh, and though it killed dh to leave him crying, it really did seem the kindest approach as apparently he stops almost as soon as dh has left the building. Ds is quite a reserved child though, so if your ds is a confident little boy then I think he'll be fine.

We've got a story book about going to nursery which ds got a bit obsessed with when he'd just started - maybe something like that would help closer to the time? Just remember, he's had a brilliant chunk of time to develop a really secure attachment by the sounds of it, and him crying is just the attachment system being activated. As long as you're consistent, and always come back (!) then no long term damage will be done and you'll all get used to it.

Thankyou for your reply misty
I hope so, I just don't know if I'm strong enough to leave him very upset and worry that the nursery won't know how to handle it!
I'm really unsure if a few months at a private setting would benefit / hinder him beforehand

1. its 9 months away before he starts, and IME there is a big difference between just three and nearly 4
2. he doesn't have to go, unless you want him to
3. he doesn't have to go to that particular nursery - maybe something more flexible would suit you both better
4. you can take all the time in the world that you need to settle him when he does start. if he really needs it when the time comes. if they can't accomodate that, reconsider your choice.

I know, you're absolutely right meryl
I think I feel a certain amount of pressure because it is the school I want him to attend, not just any old pre school.
So id hate for him to be so distressed I'd take him out only to try again in the same setting the following year.
Something more flexible would 100% suit us however I thought it was kinder to send him to one setting rather than a pre school and then onto reception?

Emilycreaven999- you don't have to leave him upset. I would never leave my children crying. He is your child- if that doesn't fit in with the way you do things then don't be forced. You know your own child.
It may be fine for some, but wasn't an option for me.

There's no way I could leave him crying.
I'm not a believer of leaving children to cry in any sense.