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Behaviour/development

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"I will hurt you" - normal thing for nearly 3yo to say?

7 replies

dollybird · 19/07/2006 19:26

Have just had a nightmare bedtime with dd who is 2.10. I asked her which cup she wanted for bed and she wouldn't choose so I counted to three or no drink - she got no drink so then started screaming at me and said 'I will hurt you' then proceeded to start swiping at me saying 'hit'. I told her not to say that - she carried on, so I said if she said it once more she wouldn't get a story before bed. She did it again, so no story. Major screaming tantrum ensued with getting out of bed (normally v. good at going to bed and never gets out). told her i would come and see her once she calmed down to say goodnight. She calmed down once I agreed the door could stay open, and has just said goodnight.
This is one of many tantrums/strops she has been having recently, most of which I would put down to terrible twos, but this comment worries me more. Should I be worried or put it down to attention seeking behaviour normal for her age?

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FrannyandZooey · 19/07/2006 19:33

Do you use punishments or threats such as "If you do .....then I will......."?

eg if you throw that toy I will take it away?

Ah have just reread post and I see you do "if she said it once more she wouldn't get a story"

Around the same age we started having "If you do that then I will hit you" sort of threats from my ds, and I figured it was a result of us using this sort of discipline. They think it is the way to deal with someone doing something you dislike, but they can't threaten to take your story away or make you go to bed early, so they threaten the only thing they know how to do - hitting or hurting you.

I think it is quite sensible and clever of them, really. We decided to try to stop using that method of discipline, and the threats did not last long.

dollybird · 19/07/2006 19:48

What do you do instead F&Z - more of the positive 'if you do this (nice thing) then you will get this (nice thing)?

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Axolotl · 19/07/2006 19:58

I have never smacked my children and we are a realy gentle household. However, DS2, who is 3 (and not allowed to even watch Poewer Rangers cous too violent) has said, 'I gon' cut you' and 'I gon' shoot you up' a couple of times when playing imaginative games with baddies. I was utterly horrified but am hoping this is just normal!!!!

FrannyandZooey · 19/07/2006 20:55

No, I just muddle along really and occasionally still use threats and bribes, but I try to use more gentle and long term methods.

The problem with your example is that bribes and rewards are just the flip side of punishments, and children will still be learning that manipulating someone (in this case, by offering a prize, rather than a punishment) to get them to do what you want, is the right way to behave.

I remember one poster who had been using rewards a lot, saying that her dd would try to bribe her parents into letting her watch tv, or stay up late - it's when children mimic our behaviour and we realise how it makes us feel that sometimes it becomes clear how manipulative this 'discipline' is

There have been a few discussions on this recently and I loved blueshoes' post here:

But I am proud not to use short-cuts to good behaviour like smacking (or locking in rooms or threatening to remove something a child is looking forward to). Instead, I am prepared to take the time to instruct, negotiate, inconvenience myself to soothe hurt emotions, however long it takes, even though it takes a lot more effort.

"To me, it is not about good behaviour per se (external). It is about bringing about good behaviour by developing the child's intrinsic self-motivation (internal). It takes a long time to cultivate this (some adults never get there!). But I believe modelling fairness and not exploiting our inherent power over children, is key to this. It is not a race to achieve good behaviour. It is about nurturing self-motivated resilient adults who internalise our values."

This is what I would like to aim for. I think all other so-called discipline techniques have big big drawbacks.

FrannyandZooey · 19/07/2006 20:57

Sorry, I only put the second paragraph of blueshoes' post in quotes - from "But I am proud" to "internalise our values" is all blueshoes' words.

TooTicky · 19/07/2006 21:02

My ds2 threatens to cut me to pieces when he is cross. I put part of it down to his frustration from speech problems, but I really don't like the implied (and sometimes actual) violence. I think if I just keep being peaceful maybe we'll get somewhere.

FrannyandZooey · 19/07/2006 21:09

I think thoughts of destruction and violence are fairly normal although upsetting. We wouldn't have to have such strong taboos / laws against violent behaviour if it were not a basic part of human nature on some level.

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