Everything is a battle with my 3.4 YO

[JapaneseMargaret]

Everything.

Getting dressed. Brushing hair. Eating. Putting shoes on. Getting out of the house. Getting in the car. Going out. Coming in. Getting into the bath. Getting out of the bath. Brushing teeth. And don't even get me started on going to bed.

I know 3.5 is a stubborn, boundary-pushing stage - we went through it with DS, but nowhere near on this scale.

I'm exhausted. DH has been away this week. I work 4 full days a week. My day starts at 6-ish when they wake (longest day approaching), and ends - with them, anyway - any time between 8 and 9 when DD finally decides to settle (she doesn't nap - she dropped that over a year ago). And then I have to do stuff around the house.

By the time I've done that, I'm barely half an hour out of bed. Aside from my 20 min bus ride to work, I get that half an hour to myself a day.

This is all beside the point, but DD's behaviour is pushing me to my limit. I know I have no right to complain, she's NT, and people deal with far, far worse on a relentless ongoing basis. So I apologise.

Does anyone have any tips on getting through this stage?

If she doesn't nap, I'd be getting her to bed earlier. My ds turns into a demon when he doesnt nap and will resist bedtime but is asleep in 5 mins flat once I tell him no more talking (we tell him a story in the dark as part of his bedtime routine). What is bedtime like? We've got ds and dd in together for ease, baths at 6, stories etc then lights out at 6.30/7pm depending on naps and a story in the dark which keeps ds in bed.

Also pick your battles - some of it could be that she's tired. If she doesn't want to eat or have her hair brushed then leave those things.

Try positive approaches too (hard though when tired!) eg telling her what to do, making jokes about brushing teeth, having getting dressed races.

I feel your pain - I work 4 days, DH full time and part of me thinks I can't do it much longer!!

They share a room, and have had a bedtime routine since they were babies. Nothing has changed there.

We can't put them to bed any earlier. I get home from work at about 5:40, and get straight onto dinner. We eat about 6:15, finish about 6:25-6:30 and then it's straight into baths, PJs, stories and bed for about 7-7:15ish.

DD's post-bedtime faffing then takes around an hour. DS, 4.11, will be fast asleep about 15 minutes into it, oblivious.

The faffing takes me to boiling point, because by this time I'm just desperate for some peace and quiet, and the ability to sit down, and not be doing shit for other bloody people...! It's my only time.

If she is waking at 6am and not going to sleep until 8and 9pm then she isn't getting anywhere near the sleep she needs for her age. She is overtired, as you are, and it makes everyone bad tempered and grumpy!
I would tackle the bed time first. As SteamWisher says, an early bed time routine. Calming down, bath then a bedtime story then say that she can look at books but she must stay in bed, then lights out. Pre empt delaying tactics, put water by the bed etc. insist she stays in bed ( this may take a few nights)
Next - pick your battles.
Food, take the battle and emotion out if it. Serve it, take it away if she won't eat it, don't comment if she eats it or she doesn't eat it. Don't serve alternatives- just offer fruit. She won't starve. Once she realises that she needs to eat when food is on offer she will get on with it. Put things in bowls so that she helps herself and has some control. Cut out snacks.
Dressing- give her a choice of 2 things. Make it a game- 'I bet you can't get dressed before I do' etc
Hair- have it short so that easier.
Shoes- use positive language 'when you have put your shoes on we can.......' assume from tone and body language that you have never considered she wouldn't.
Getting in and out of the car- make it a game ' can you jump to the car, walk backwards to the car' etc
Teeth- non negotiable- they will be brushed whatever,but try to make it fun first.
Sleep is the key. Good luck!

Cross posted so missed the timing. It is the faffing about you need to stop. Pre empt it. You must know the excuses she makes so have an answer to all and then refuse to engage. Silently put her back to bed. Stick to one phrase in a boring monotone ' sorry, time to sleep' or similar, don't deviate.

Sounds like my 4.7 year old

He is ridiculously stubborn and you actually cannot get him to do anything if he doesn't want to

I've just made him a sticker chart with three targets he needs to do each day

We will see how it goes

I am nearing the end of my tether though!

Thanks all, I appreciate the input.

Satin - great tips re food, that is and always has been my philosophy. I am a mean Mum when it come to food - eat what's on offer, no alternatives.

Around dinner time I can see that she is tired and some of this behaviour is born out of tiredness. But as I say, we get them into bed as soon as we physically can.

The long hours of daylight obviously aren't helping.

I know I need to be more 'available but boring' during the bedtime faffing. I engage too much. Frustrated, annoyed engaging, but engaging nonetheless.

Baker - you have this at 4.7? Nooooooooo! Has he always been like this? DD is very stubborn anyway, so as much as this is part of a developmental stage, part of it is just her personality.

It is actually much more difficult with your own- easy to give advice!

Ds has been like this since the age of 4.

I have found 4 to be the most difficult age with both of my elder children

He will go to bed fine and sleep 12 hours so he can't be that tired!

But everything from getting dressed and brushing his teeth to tidying up and reading is a massive fight

Just a thought on teeth: we bought Oral B electric brushes for ours and the fussing stopped. They are recommended from age 5 but dentist said it's ok if used gently with supervision.
Do you think some delay tactics are because she wants more one to one time with you (not that you can fit a lot more into your evening ...)? Does she have story time with you all to herself?
I have DS1 (3.2) and DD2 (nearly 2) who go to bed at same time but have separate stories so DS1 knows he can look forward to that when DD in bed.
We have issues too. I feel your pain!

DS was like this.

It got better around 5.

Have a think about ways that dinner can be made quicker at night so you can eat at 6 instead of 615. Slow cooker? Batch cooking at weekends? Getting someone to come in to your home for afternoon child minding and cooking? It sounds like this is tiredness or hunger or both. If you're both working then think of ways to outsource some of the household tasks so things aren't so pressured at the end of the day.

It also sounds like she misses you. She could be playing up just to get time with you. Can you take her out for some one on one time, just you and her?