Is there any way I can help my dd interact more comfortably with adults?

[weddingphoto]

I'm not happy with my dd (who is 3 and a half) being labelled shy. She is happy and confident around her peers, boys and girls, older children and younger children.

She's happy and outspoken in our house and when she knows and adult well and warms to them, she's comofortable in their company. Sometimes she can be quite forward even.

BUT, I ackowledge that she is shy in the company of adults she doesn't know very well. On the one hand it is a blessing. I don't have to worry about her befriending random strangers but there are some situations where I wish she could be more comfortable and 'be herself' when adults are around.

Here are a few examples.

In a shop, if the cashier ever makes a comment to dd and asks her a simple question (how old are you?)she clamps her mouth shut,smiles benignly and looks at her feet, doing that thing where she shifts around uncomfortably

My parents will come round to look after the baby and my dad will bend down and ask dd where she's going. She knows the answer. It's very simple. Swimming. Why can't she say "swimming"? Instead she closes her mouth, grins a little and slowly shakes her head.

We went to have our haircut together. She watched me first. The hairdresser was lovely, chatting to dd as she cut my hair, but dd wouldn't answer any questions. Then dd had her hair cut and she sat there with fear in her eyes, like she hated being centre of attention on that high up seat.

There are some adults we see (parents of friends)who she warms up to and she'll spontaneously take their hand and ask for a drink. But the next time we see them, their simple "hello >, grandad has asked you a question. Are you going to answer it?" But dd is quite stubborn and I don't think that would make her speak, and perhaps would make her more anxious drawing attention to the fact that she isn't speaking.

I have one more year until she goes to school so I feel like now would be a good time to help her with this if there is anything that can be done about it. Even if she isn't going to be one of those children that chews the ears off any stranger who will listen. I want her to come across as polite and at least be able to say "hello" "Yes, I am fine thankyou" That kind of thing.

Does anyone have any tips? I hate to see her looking so uncomfortable.

Hi Wedding Photo,

You could be describing my soon-to-be 3 yr-old daughter exactly! Very outgoing and confident at home and amongst those she knows, but very shy and diffident in front of shopkeepers/hairdressers/unknown adults.
I think it's just a developmental phase as far as I can ascertain, but I know it can be frustrating when you want them to respond and perhaps thank someone or say 'hello' and 'goodbye, or just show a little of what you know to be their fabulous and normally sunny personality to others!!! Most people who have children will understand that she is not being deliberately rude. I'm sure every child (like most adults) has a "public" and a "private" face. I try and do a bit of role-playing to prepare my dd before going in to that sort of situation but it doesn't seem to make that much difference to be honest! I'm sure it's a stage she will overcome. Also, I've tried not to make too much of it in case she picks up on my frustration and it makes the situation worse, leading to more "performance anxiety". Practise makes perfect I guess! Good luck!

My DS1 used to be like that at a similar age and school has done him a power of good in terms of boosting his confidence and getting used to responding to adults who he may or may not know. He's much better than he used to be but can still be embarrassed if someone who used to teach / care for him (DS2's nursery nurses and swimming teacher) says hello to him. Tends either to pretend he hasn't heard (which makes him look ignorant and embarrasses me) or mutters something incoherently. I tend to prompt him to be polite and speak clearly in these circumstances.

Dd1 was like this for ages, and still can be a bit awkward now, aged 11.

What really helped was me pointing out to her the distinction between feelings and behaviour, ie. it was okay to feel shy, but not okay to ignore people who said hello to her. I tried to give her very simple guidelines for what was expected of her -- I remember saying endlessly, "Look, you don't have to be their best friend, you don't have to tell them your life story. But you do need to look them in the eye, smile and say hello/thank you". I think breaking it down like that really helped, and she's pretty good these days at basic social interactions with adults, even though she's not a natural at it.

I remember being very shy and awkward as a child, but because I grew up in a family of social butterflies, no-one ever thought to spell out to me what was required in particular situations. Because I couldn't work it out instinctively, I used to panic and freeze, and then get told off for being rude. I really wished someone had given me a basic toolkit of manners, while acknowledging that I didn't have to be the life-and-soul-of-the-party type, but at least it meant I had some idea of how to help dd1.

You know, my DS1 is very very sociable, particularly with kids, but does really like adults. He will talk to anyone for ages and ages.

But even he doesn't like it when strangers ask him direct questions out of the blue. Strangers don't generally ask me direct questions out of the blue - imagine how you'd feel if a shopkeeper you didn't know said "so, where are you off to this morning?".

I suspect my DS1 is very sociable with adults, other than this, because we have always gone to lots of groups, and I have never had any qualms about him talking to strangers. I have to keep an eye on him when we're out, anyway, as he might get lost or run over, but I really don't worry about strangers.

I was also very shy with adults as a child, and I think frogs has got it spot on in her post. You need to explain to your dd when she's a bit older, what her social "duties" are.

Part of the problem in my case, was that I didnt always hear what the adults said. This wasnt a hearing problem, but just that I wasnt paying attention. I remember once asking "whats that for" pointing to a door at a tourist attraction we were visiting, and a strange man said jokingly "thats where they lock little girls up"
I didnt hear what he said, but was just aware that everyone was laughing at me, so I felt embarrassed and angry and said nothing.
My mother later said that I deserved to be smacked because the man had made a harmless joke and I had looked sulky.

my mother was and is a crap parent though.

weddingphoto, just to develop my point a bit...I dont want to sound accusing, but is your dd getting her cue from you in some way? I am sure that I was shy round adults because my parents dont react normally towards other adults. My mother is also a very controlling person, and we rarely met other adults. Im not suggesting that you are the same (I was also very shy with children, because of my mother's complexes, I think). But could it be something in her environment that makes her shy?

My children are not shy, this is no coincidence, one of the things that attracted me towards dx was how well he interacts with other people in normal social situations. Going back to frogs' point, this is because he knows the rules, and I didnt when I was younger - every social situation was a big, mysterious minefield to me.

fistfullofnappies - You make a fair point. I try very hard not to pass on my habits or hang ups to dd. I make every effort to take myself out of my comfort zone and since her birth, dd has been exposed to a whole variety of different people and seen participate in successful social interactions.

NQC - I didn't mean to give the impression that I am paranoid about her talking to strangers. That is not the case at all. I was merely looking at one (current) positive side of her behaviour.

I agree that I would be shocked and dumbstruck if a cashier/anyone I didn't know asked me personal questions and I sometimes wish that if these people want to interact with children, they would do so by talking to them so the child is free to choose to reply and doesn't appear rude by not answering a question.

Thanks to the others for your suggestions. That's exactly the kinds of things I was looking for.

I think it is easier if you look at it as an issue of practising basic manners or knowing the social code, rather than your child having a problem. Fistful's description of 'big mysterious minefield' is exactly how I used to feel as a child, and I always felt there was something wrong with me because I didn't instinctively know how to behave around adults. I didn't have a difficult childhood or emotional issues, I was just wired differently to the rest of my family. Breaking the situation down into simple steps for dd1 really helped to de-emotionalise it for me, as I initially found it quite difficult to see her having the same sort of issues I had as a child.

And actually, even a naturally sociable and outgoing child needs to be told/shown how to behave around adults, as it is a different set of rules from child-to-child interaction. I know loads of very bouncy confident kids who don't answer when you ask them a question or say hello, or shuffle around looking at their shoes. If you do the 'look into the grownup's eyes/smile nicely/ say thankyou/hello' routine often enough, it becomes second nature. Being confident about the rules (and it is a game with a set of rules, really) is a very effective mask for underlying shyness.

People really are quite startlingly rude to children, in my experience.

I guess I probably don't care that much about my kids getting on well with strangers, as I got on very well with adults when I was a child, but had absolutely no idea how to interact with other children!

I do find it odd when DS1 is shy around strangers asking him direct questions, but it's a weird situation, really.

Weddingphoto - my dd is very like the way you describe yours. It can be hugely frustrating as she is very chatty and loud at home or when friends come round. To then not be able to answer a simple question from a stranger is frustrating to watch. Dd is also not typically 'shy' in that she readily makes friends and mucks in at play.
she has just finished her reception year and we have been really disappointed with the school. Repeatedly told she is extremely quiet in class and we have now decided to move her as we just felt the school was writing her off and not trying to draw her out. I suppose I'm telling you this because school may change your dd but you have to be very careful to pick the right one.
Would love to here some tips myself as it is a very fine line between pushing too hard and also not letting them develop a habit of not speaking.

Don't agree about the parenting being to blame. I'm very happy to talk to anybody and everybody and have another ds who will not stop talking. Think it's just down to different personalities.

I think I would be inclined not to push them to speak to someone they don't know very well as we as adults are always telling kids not to talk to strangers, so things can be confusing! There was nothing worse as a child being made to kiss/talk to a smelly old relative. If something makes a child feel uncomfortable then they should never be made to do it.

I would just make a joke of it if a cashier spoke to my child and say that they are not encouraged to speak to people they dson't know these days. Could spark of another interesting conversation between adults from that.

But never apologise for your childs feelings, they have the right to feel exactely how they want and we are all different after all.

i had a similar problem with my dd who is 7 now.
At home and amongst other children she was always chatty, but with adults, even adults she knows and spends time with, she was still shy.It was the basic things like 'hello, goodbye, please, thankyou' that she couldnt say, and this is what really annoyed me. So i started a star chart for manners and it seemed to do the trick,as she could see how well or how badly she was doing.