very concerned 4 year old tantrums

[alliswell2]

My child is articulate, affectionate and very social. He has had a problem with aggression with peers which has largely been resolved and is not a big issue any more. He is an only child and I am at a single parent. He has had terrible tantrums fairly sporadically lately which I find very concerning. He generally has a meltdown when he is tired, Tonight be became angry when I told him it was time for a bath. He refused to have the bath and then started to throw chairs. He called me an idiot and then proceeded to throw various other (heavy) things around. At one stage I thought he was going to upturn the TV. He cried and cried and kept saying I want mummy.
I would like to know if other parents of 4 year olds have had problems similar to this and if so how they dealt with it. I am very upset about it and really want to teach my son constructive ways of dealing with anger. No easy task.

I have two DDs and one of them (the five year old) is capable of similar...she's also very articulate, affectionate and social. When she has a meltdown she can kick me and the cupboards and throw things though not chairs as she's pretty small!

She's not been violent with her peers though....you say DS has not been violent to his peers recently....is school happy with him now?

The thing that I notice with my DD is that her diet can severely affect her behaviour. She's good in school and then if she's had some sweets or other processed foods then she can be an absolute horror....I have a DH here so I can imagine it's very hard on your own as there's nobody to take over when you've had enough.

HOw is DSs diet?

He is still at nursery. The nursery staff are generally positive about his behaviour and interactions with other children. I am happy (generally) with the way he plays with other children. He is friendly and confident. He is on the 99% for his height and weight. He is sturdy but not overweight. I want him to understand the importance of using his voice to resolve problems not his size. He is always going to be a big boy.

I think you should separate the issue of his size from his behaviour. I don't honestly think that comes into it when they're so young. My DD is skinny and small but still like a little truck when she wants her own way....she's pushed me almost off my feet.

I think that it's not at all unusual....does he have any hobby type activities in which he can use up some energy and how is his diet...not related to his size but to his behaviour...sugar and refined sugar as well as dyes in food can contribute to this behaviour.

DS can be like this as well. In his case I think it's related to a big upheaval in his life - we moved country about 3 months ago and obviously it's difficult for him to explore how he feels about it, it comes out as "big feelings" ie that the feelings are so overwhelming he cannot talk about it, it just comes out as a physical rage, often triggered by something totally unrelated, BTW.

It has got better as he has settled down and we have tried to be understanding and let him know it's okay to miss England and talk about things there, and been supportive of him settling into his new nursery etc. You say you are a single parent and he is saying "I want mummy" - are you Dad? It could be that even if the split happened years ago he is just starting to process it now and/or realise that he is "different" from some other kids in that they have both parents living with them all the time. Obviously if it's more recent then he might be reacting directly to that itself.

I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty, BTW - I think often as parents we are reluctant to look at reasons why our kids are acting out BECAUSE it makes us feel guilty, but that isn't helpful at all. Instead of feeling guilty or like you wish the situation could change, just accept the situation is what it is and you have to help him deal with it. That means accepting his feelings (not the behaviour) by talking through the feelings, letting him have pictures etc and talk about memories and even talk about how it's OK to be sad - and don't be tempted to gloss over it by saying "But look at all the positive sides!" It's important for kids to know you hear and understand their feelings and that they are valid. They'll probably come up with the happy counter on their own once they know that their negative emotions aren't bad or wrong.

Thank you. I agree and am very aware of the need to validate and acknowledge my child's feelings. I think my stumbling block is not always accepting the situation for what it is. I am fearful of the situation spiralling and my son growing up to be physically aggressive. I think if I was more confident that talking through feelings is likely to resolve the situation (eventually) I would find it easier to accept.
My son was conceived using a donor and he is aware of this and we talk about it from time to time. And I know through discussion with him that he is sad about not having a father. I do not try to gloss over the positives related to not having a father but I do think my son finds this sad on occasions.