I can't cope with my 3 ry olds Ds's rages

[filthycute]

I'm at the end of my rope. His rages are intense and can start over anything minor. He sustains the tantrum for upto 2 hours. Every night I have almost 2 hours of this on days when he is at nursery and on the weekend he is like it a number of times. I have no life. I can't take him to the shops, the park anywhere. Leaving just causes the rage.
I have tried all the advice. I don't give in, I am calm and don't engage. I try to talk to him, distract him if i sense one building but nothing.

I'm at the end of my rope, I'm a single mum. His dad sees him erratically and refuses anything more consistent.

I'm just so bloody miserable. I want to enjoy being with him, but i'm starting to hate it.

Nothing is right, his socks, shoe aces his food, The way I read a story. the direction we drive in the car - all have lead to massive meltdowns.

I just don't know what to do.

That sounds horrible, you poor thing. no experience or advice but some until someone wise comes along.

How long has he been this way? Do you notice times it worsens, and times it is better? Have you talked to his nursery?

[hugs]

Thanks rootypig. I'm all out of ideas. He has always been wilful, he seems to be very angry all of the time. Hes fine mostly at nursery. They notice his behavior change after visits with day. But that seems to be better when he is at Nursery. It seems to worsen if he is tired or hungry. I manage his food intake but his sleep is seriously affected by the tantrums. He has raged tonight from 5.45 (he fell asleep on the way home from nursery) he woke when we got home and has screamed, raged, thrown things since. He almost snapped himself in half arching his back because I undid his shoe lace!! He will still wake at 6 though. So he is getting progressively tireder.

Ah you must be desperate . How often does he see his dad, ish? does your DS talk about him? i have no experience but your word erratic jumps out - I wonder if this is very unsettling for him. One other thought - how is his language? Can he communicate what he wants and needs?

He sees his dad 2 or three nights one week, they maybe not at all for a couple of weeks. He has gone 12 weeks with no contact at all. (EA which continues) His speech is very good. He is really verbally articulate. I think that he struggles to understand his feelings though and he cant express them well.

He jsut seems so angry and controlling. I think that this may just be his personality. ExP's eldest son was similar and saw a Ed Psych. ExP is also like this, even now in his 40's. I'm worried that I'm projecting this though and its just a phase.

You could try helping your ds to articulate his feelings. So when he's angry or cross or happy or sad, tell him that's his feeling. So over time he can tell you what wrong.

Try not to do stuff to him eg his shoes laces etc without asking first. If he doesn't want to then don't sweat it unless it really needs doing.

Try working with him, give him a couple of choices etc.

What's his diet like? His routine?

oh hun, what a tough time for you [hugs]
my DD (3) went through this stage and i would literally just stand there and watch her - if that wasn't enough to stop her then i would quite happily talk away to myself and say things like "ooooh i'm going to have a look at [insert whatever]" go and look and just keep on saying silly things like that....it took a while to sink in but eventually she got the message that i wasn't going to give in to her not so good behaviour. afterwards i would get down on her level and say i understand you are feeling angry/upset but behaving that way upsets mummy and its not nice - not sure if she understand that bit but i'd say after a week or 2 it did calm down.

it may or not work for you, but consistency is definitely the key - when she did behave or do as i asked i praised her no end and within a month we only had/and do have very minor meltdowns...touches wood i haven't spoilt things now lol x

Some of this is him just being 3 by the way! He might be articulate but he is very immature - just a little boy.

Thanks all. I am trying to help him express his feelings, that's a good ideasteamWisher to say that's your feelings, just so he starts to understand what this is. I will try this. I just feel so sad that i'm not enjoying my time with him. I am spending as much of our time together just with him, not housework etc, we read, watch TV, or play.

I hate that I feel so powerless to do anything. He sometimes cries more saying that he can't stop crying.

Its sooo draining. Everything is a battle. With choices he will always add a third then meltdown if that's not done!

Oh little love I am no expert but sure there are lots of good materials out there or helping kids understand their emotions - drawing them, describing them, describing how his body feels.... Art therapy, play therapy, therapeutic touch or massage? That all sounds really heavy - therapy with a capital T, but they 're just non verbal and creative methods he might respond to.

Re your comments about exP and his sons - the thing they all have in common is exP. Anger can be the result of harm, and/or learned. is exP EA to your son? I know it would be an enormous decision to make but I would consider: first, getting contact onto a regular basis (and certainly a max eg 1 day a week) or, second, if that's not possible or there is EA, no/supervised contact.

More [hugs] it sounds like you 're brilliantly patient with him

whats his speech like, and whats he like when playing with other children?

I really really sympathise. My DS has had periods of being like this. He's a bit older now and much better although it does still happen on occasions and he tells me to go away and that he doesn't want me to be around etc etc. It is heartbreaking - and usually followed instantly by him telling me to 'come back come back' if I turn away from him. I find it very difficult to stay calm.

Getting him to articulate his feelings has been helpful though. "I see, you are feeling angry because you wanted me to do X and I did Y." He has now started telling me when he is feeling tired and it is making him feel cross, so sometimes I get him to go to his room to calm down, lying on his bed and this has helped. I found the book 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' quite helpful, although I'm not that great at using all the techniques.

I also make sure that I give him a lot of warning about me doing certain things. In 10 minutes we're going out, so in 5 minutes I will ask you to put your shoes on. In 8 minutes we're going out, so in 3 minutes I will ask you to put your shoes on. In 5 minutes we're going out, so please put your shoes on now. That sort of thing. I sound like a broken record.

Inconsistency is an issue for sure. DS and I are very much together but our styles can be different and DS's behaviour can actually be worse when we're both around than when one of us is looking after DS alone. We're trying very very hard to be as consistent as we can be and not to contradict each other - which we've been known to do in the past.

Good luck - I really feel for you.