Arrgh! Need advice regarding exp and toilet training.

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Ds is 4 and has taken about a year to get the hang of toilet training. Wees were no problem. Poos a lot more difficult. Eventually about two months ago it just seemed to click with him and he hasnt looked back (as far as i knew!) then exp sent me.a text at the weekend demanding to know what i was doing about sorting his toilet issue and stating that he sends him back to me toilet trained after the weekends he has him (eow) but that hes back to pooing in his pants when he arrives with him again. This was news to me as ds has been accident free for two months and i assumed this was the same at exps house. I told exp this and suggested that perhaps it was something that was happening at his house that was creating the issue and reminded him of the time that his girlfriend put ds on the naughty step and shouted at him for pooing his pants in march. Exp didnt respond to this. I said that when here ds gets only praise and a small treat for pooing in the toilet, i do NOT do negative consequences for accidents. Exp said thats what happens at his house too. Although i doubted this.

So ds came home on sunday and hasnt pooed since until today when he was hiding in the understairs cupboard and refusing to use the toilet even though it was clear he needed to. My friend who was here at the time was shocked as she has seen how well he has done lately. Then this evening he woke from his sleep in tears of pain and crossing his legs refusing to use the toilet i talked him into using the potty and he did a massive poo that must really have hurt him.

Ds1(8) was still awake so when ds2 was back in be i asked him what happens at dads when ds1 poos himself. He said that dad and girlfriend are cross with him and he gets sent to bed. I asked who sends him to bed and he said dads girlfriends. I asked if anyone shouts at him and he says yes girlfriend does, she says things like "whats wrong with you? Are you a baby?" And that ds is scared of her and cried.

Quite honestly i am fuming and right now want to tell exp that the dcs wont be back in that house for her to shout at them but i know that isnt practical as they want to see their dad but realistically this is not acceptable. What do i do or say to exp? I have to make it clear that this cannot happen again. They have set his toilet training back so far by shouting at him and stressing him out when he was doing so well.

Sorry for mammoth post i am so angry.

Anyone? Please, i need to deal with this as i cant send dcs back while this is unresolved.

didn't want to read your post and run...

i can completely understand you being angry, i certainly would be if someone decided to take it upon themselves to tell my child off, especially for potty training which could set them back!!

speaking as a SP myself (2 teenage girls) it is very very hard being a step-parent, knowing where the boundary lies etc. when DP girls are here, they abide by our rules, and do as we say when it comes to chores etc, that being said if they have done something out of line i speak to their father first who will have a word with them - there have been times when their father has not been here and i have had to tell one of them or have words with them over something but its usually something minor and not that big a deal really. One thing i am careful of is never ever stepping on their mother's toes, she is their mother not me and i'm careful not to overstep that line, as would appear your exp's girlfriend has stepped well and truly over that line and stamped all over it!

i would speak to your exp and tell him that this is totally unacceptable, and whilst you appreciate that your children are under both their care at his house, they are still yours and his main responsibility, and you will not tolerate his GF speaking to your child like this and upsetting him. if it continues then new contact arrangements will need to be made as you cannot have your children that upset.

not really much advice i'm sorry but HTH
x

Thank you for replying. I also posted in lone parents a i realise this was less a behaviour issue and more an issue between him and I.

Yes i totally agree with you that in their house they enforce the rules but i draw the line at shouting at him so he is scared and crying and being sent to bed for something that happens every child during the learning process. And the things she said just arent appropriate are they? I mean a teacher wouldnt be permitted to say "what is wrong with you? Are you a baby?" That is humiliation right? Thats not making a positive association with feeling the need to poo.

i completely agree with you, she was totally inappropriate and if she wanted him to not poo in his pants anymore, then she certainly isn't going the right way about it!! my DD (3yrs) has been potty trained for about a month, and its only now that she's starting to poop a lot more easier and let me tell you if someone said/done something to her to spoil that i think i would quite possibly want to kill them!

that being said, we're not allowed to do that so we have to be reasonable (apparently!). this really is something you need to speak to exp about now, this cannot continue! Try and be calm, and as un-accusing as possible but let him know that if it continues then your sons will be not be going there for visits anymore when she is there as it is too upsetting and not good for them

i'm sorry if i made it sound like i thought what she said was acceptable, that certainly wasn't what i meant - i think she's being a b*h tbh!

No you didnt at all imply you thought it acceptable, i think im just thinking outloud as this is still sinking in, i an quite in shock tbh, and angry still, this is worrying. Exp seems to be leaving more and more or the care to his girlfriend or mum when they are at his which i thought was fine as i assumed girlfriend was nice and trustworthy, well exp must think she is at least. But now i am worried about this.

you have a right to be worried and you also have to speak up for your DC. the quicker you sort this out, the better you will feel.

good luck hun, hope it goes well - let me know how you get on!!

Thank you. I have no idea how to tackle this. I'm too angry now to think straight tonight and any thing i say would be a knee jerk reaction so i'll have to sleep on it and decide in the morning how to approach it. Exp and i hardly have any contact and when we do it isnt good ( reason for lack of contact). I think he will just refuse to engage and i'll get nowhere but he needs to act on this one. We cant let this go.