how can i instill a sense of integrity/pride?

[asphodel]

I've noticed that both my dds 5 and 7 seem to be insecure round their peers, and will often be very rude to/about me or to/about each other in their friends' company. I REALLY hate this and find it idiotic as I think it shows a lack of respect for their family and for themselves. I would expect them to have the integrity to defend their family if anyone else denigrated it, rather than joining in. How do I get this across without being too heavy handed?( which is how I feel).

I'll be watching this thread, as I remember being like that as a child and would hate my ds to be the same (he's only 20mo now, so no worries yet).

I remember thinking other people somehow knew better than me about what was cool or not, or right or wrong (socially, I mean) and it just didn't occur to me to challenge their views.

No ideas about what to suggest, but your use of the word "idiotic" stands out to me. I might be interpreting the situation incorrectly, but it seems a very strong and denigrating word to use, when referring to your kids' behaviour. IMO, if you want respect, you must give it.

Earlybird, I wrote it in the heat of the moment -but I do find it idiotic. That doesn't mean I don't respect my children. It means I vehemently disapprove of this particular behaviour. I adore my children and want them to have integrity and self-respect. The behaviour drives me mad, however. I'm slightly curious as to why they do it. I'm wondering whether I've instilled a strong enough sense of family/identity in them, or should I put it down to the heat/end of term?
Would genuinely welcome some answers.

asp, I don't know if my contribution will be valuable or not but thought I would post as my bro and I were so different to what you describe; we were so proud of our parents, and looked out and stood up for eachother. I certainly would not have been rude to my parents or about them to please others.

why do I think we were like this? It must be related mainly to: feeling loved, secure, valued, appreciated and ALWAYS understood by my parents, never belittled or laughed at or made to do things for adult's entertainment. I was always spoken to completely as an equal. I'm sure this had a huge impact on my self worth and self esteem which had to impact on my strength of belief in moments when others found it cool to belittle their family.

the other main thing that I think this approach gave me was a pride in my parents for being good parents and not hitting or shouting at me! kids register this stuff....I was proud of them for their achievements and don't think I would have been quite as proud if they hadn't been studying to get careers, and do their own things as well as being at home for me.

I think it's quite complex but I do think you're right to dislike it and try to address it.

Thank you Sparkle. Something to aspire to......
It shocked me that particularly the older one would do that - the younger one is very difficult in many ways - because I had thought that I DO treat her fairly and very lovingly. Clearly I must be doing something wrong.Is it too late at 7 ?

blimey, I'm sure it's not too late!

To be honest if this was me in this situation (DS 3 at present so could well be closer than I think!) I think I'd save my sanity by accepting that probably the only thing you have control over in this situation is your actions. As you already know just telling them not to do it is not quite enough - but you can control the way you speak to them (99% of the time anyway )and I think if you just try to always, always treat them with respect and as equals (as far as is poss) then you are actually doing all you can.

It's probably nit picking of me to pick this up but you did describe this behaviour as 'idiotic'; If this is similar to things you'd say TO the kids then I do think you could change your way of speaking to them, for instance when I did something idiotic which I'm sure I did, alot, my mum would say she was disappointed as I was noramlly so sensible and things along those lines, she never used words like this that can make kids feel belittled. Words like this I believe can have a BIG effect on how respected kids feel.

Ignore me if this is barking up the wrong tree, just thought it was a good example. And I'm sure you're not doing anything 'wrong' btw, it's just finding ways to foster this self belief you want.