3 year old behaviour - is it sibling rivalry? Should i see senco?

[kyliecakes]

Hi,

I've been saying I'm going to post on here for ages because im at the end of my tether but you know when something is upsetting you so much you almost don't want to talk about it?!

I have a 3 and half year old boy and a 1 year old girl. My boy was an absolute joy until my daughter was born but since has become almost demonic. He cannot keep away from her but in a very negative way, he can't walk past her without striking her, kicking her, grabbing her hand - there always has to be something. It has been almost since birth but has got steadily worse as she's got older. We tried everything you can imagine - naughty step, being sent to his room, ignoring it, talking to him about it, doing it back to him to see if he liked it but nothing helped. Sometimes it isn't even what he does, it isn't always aggressive it's just the frequency - it is constant. It has really dragged us all down and last month both myself and my parents (who look after him once a week) got quite verbally agressive with him and i smacked him on the back of the hand a couple of times. We were all so frustrated and ground down by a year of it and i felt emptionally frazzled. It really upset me that i'd become like that and felt like id lost control so i spent some time with him by myself and have taken a new approach of being constantly calm with him and doing the three strikes and your out thing and I've seen a huge improvement. He's been playing with her, talking about her and generally just harrassing her less. But - he does keep walking around saying things like 'I want to hit her' 'I want to throw her away'.

At this exact time pre school have now reported that he has taken to hitting all the staff if anyone tells him he needs to do something. I feel like if it isn't one thing it's another. Just as I was starting to feel happy that I was making progress and now this. All the time this has been going on I've always consoled myself that at least it was only directed towards his sister and he wasn't aggressive with other children - and he's still not - it's only the staff. In fact a child at pre school kept biting him and he always remained very calm and sternly told him not to because it was naughty. He seems to have a real issue with authority all of a sudden and is giving me grief in other ways too, disagreeing with everything i say, refusing to do anything i tell him to. Is he just being a normal 3 year old going through these testing phases? It's been going on for about 2 weeks now and his pre school have suggested a Senco behaviour specialist comes and observes him. Part of me really wants the help as i just can't seem to get through to him and need all the advice I can get but the other part of me is nervous about it. Has anyone got any suggestions or had similar issues with siblings?

Thanks

Hi, my daughter is currently going through the very terrible two's and she can be very challenging, she attends nursery every day and I have recently returned to work after having another baby 8 months ago. Since returning to work my daughter has become very aggressive towards the other children in her class and also towards her sister, my husband and I. We have tried the naughty step, disciplining her but nothing has worked. In the end I contacted my health visitor who was brilliant and arranged for a child behaviour specialist to observe her in nursery. I did it as I was worried in case her behaviour was abnormal and there was something wrong with her and also so nursery knew we were being proactive. The behaviour expert has given us tips on how to control the aggression and explained that her behaviour is nothing to worry about, she is frustrated and has also gone through a lot of change, it's early days yet and she is still misbehaving but I'm sure that if you asked Senco to come into nursery it would give you some help and reassurance.

To be honest, you hit him - so not a surprise that he will hit too.

The lashing out at his sister is normal. My ds did it and still does (similar age gap). Also I have siblings and we fought (but love each other fiercely). Do you have any?

We tackled our DS's hitting by keeping the reaction to a minimum - so a stern no hitting then telling him what he should do instead (eg ask or swap a toy etc etc). It's taken a lot of hard work but he is so so much better.

We're also careful not to tell just ds off even though dd is younger and doesn't really get it. This is incredibly important otherwise your ds will feel like he's the naughty one and you favour your dd over him.

Try and encourage them and show them how to play together. It's hard for your ds as your youngest won't really be able to play properly but set the foundations now.