High needs baby now high needs toddler - will this never end?

[Booboostoo]

DD is now 2.5yo and I think she was what people call a high needs baby. She is PFB and I didn't have any experience with babies before she came along but reading on here other people's experiences I think she was similar to high needs babies.

I didn't have any fixed ideas on parenting styles but kind of fell into attachment parenting as the only thing that worked for her. For example, for the first 9 months of her life she was very reluctant to lie on her own or be held by anyone else other than me. Some days I had to carry her in a sling because as soon as I popped her down she screamed. She would spend about 20 minutes with DP but that was about her limit before she had to be back with me.

I went with the flow (I am SAHM), co-sleeping, sling, never letting her cry, etc. but it was tough.

As she has grown she is a bit better but still very shy, worried about things and quite a lot more dependent on me than other children. For example, if she is at all worried or feels unwell she has to sit on me rather than next to me or in her own chair, I have to feed her, I have to go back to sleeping with her. If we are at a friend's visiting I have to be withing sight and often within touch, she won't go off and play like other kids.

She is a sensitive soul, for example, she gets upset if anyone cries on TV, or if a cartoon character is hurt and generally quite timid with people she does not know, but very affectionate with people she knows. She does go to nursery now, most mornings for 3 hours, which she really likes (she asks to go, sings on the way there, etc.) but once there she tends to play on her own and is worried when other children run around and play energetically (she is physically very timid as well, doesn't like rough and tumble, getting pushed or falling over). She understands a lot and will speak to me and DP but at nursery, for example, she is very shy about speaking to other children or the nursery staff (she'll just about say 'bye' to them but with her face turned towards me).

Things were better in the summer but now with the autumn colds and coughs settling in she seems to have regressed and need more contact and support. I am getting a bit tired - when does this get better?

Sorry for the long post but I wanted to include some details of her behaviour.

Perhaps it came across wrong: she is lovely, fun, adorable and I love her very much. I just wish that she could move one foot away from me on occassion! She doesn't feel like a big chore, we have a lot of fun together, I just wish I could have a bit of a break. Being 'on' 24/7 is a bit difficult.

Physically it can be quite difficult as well. She weighs 15 kilos so it's very difficult to carry her for prolonged periods of time, but what else can I do if she cries and screams in public (won't walk or go in buggy)? After 3-4 hours of having someone who weighs 15 kilos sitting on you your whole body just aches! How many times a day can I go up and down the stairs carrying 15 kilos? (I weight 50 kilos!)

My ds was very much the same at that age. He is now very very outgoing and confident, so don't panic! You do sound quite tired however. Can you get a good break whilst she goes to nursery? Are you treating yourself to a long bath with lots of smellies and candles when she does go to sleep? Or an early night with a good book and a hot chocolate with marshmallows? It sounds as if you need a bit of tlc for you, so that you can keep on giving.

I found that getting a very early night, once a week, turned me into a different person - eg bed at 8pm, asleep by ten past!

It's good that your dd enjoys nursery. Does she have any friends you can invite round for play dates on the other days? How is she at playing with other chidren at home?

It is quite normal for a PFB to take their cues from life just from you, so keep on reassuring her that she is wonderful, and keep on enjoying lift together - new challenges, old friends and activities, puddle jumping, cake making, play dough . . . . It is a tough time when they are toddlers, but can be fabulous too . . . .

The carrying things sounds tough! She will respond to your needs too, but only if you really really mean it. For example, if you damage your back and physically cannot lift her anymore, she would survive. You would tell her about it, in a tone of voice that communicated it clearly. The hard thing with any child is if you are trying to change their behaviour, but they sense that there is an option not too comply - eg 'you are getting so heavy now, mummy can't carry you so much' means to them that you can still carry them now, and now is all that matters.

If you need to stop carrying her then make it an absolute rule. Now that you are such a big girl I cannot carry you on the stairs anymore. We will hold hands to go up/down and I will carry you at the bottom, but you need to walk downstairs on your own now. Or now that you are such a grownup girl I can only carry you for ten steps, then you need to walk. Let's count the steps together: one, two, three . . . .

Then unless something very unusual happens, stick to it absolutely.

Best of luck

Good to hear there is light at the end of the tunnel!

One of the further complications is that she seems to need very little sleep (like her father). She goes to bed (happily) around 9.30-10 and wakes up around 6.30-7 well rested! This is almost too little for me even if I go straight to bed after her! In reality I am running around sorting out the house, the dogs, etc.

During the summer I had managed to get her into a better routine with not carrying her. She was more amenable to going in the buggy or walking but now that she is feeling poorly with seasonal colds etc it's all gone downhill again.

We do a lot of activities and play dates all of which seem to go well, e.g. she shares toys, doesn't argue with the other children, looks forward to seeing them etc. So a lot of the day is great, but the bits in between are difficult.

So for example this weekend (DP is away at work so on my own 24/7): Saturday was good we took the dogs for a walk, she sat in her buggy, went shopping for craft stuff and had a play date to make Christmas decorations. Sunday was pants. She did not want to leave the house at all so I struggled with the overexcited dogs and she cried in her buggy while I gave the horses hay, she did not want to go to the market for a walk around, she did not want to go to the playground and I didn't dare risk taking her to a friend's house in such a bad mood. All she did all day long was sit on me. She did not want to play (together) with her toys, just sit on me! It was difficult to get to the toilet or get food and drink which is quite tiring!