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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Should I just no longer bother with Mother and Baby activities?

21 replies

bluebeanie · 06/12/2013 11:58

I'm a first time mum to a 10 week old DD. I threw myself into socialising with new groups and my existing NCT group soon after she was born.

Now, however, I am exhausted and really down. My DD has a complete meltdown whenever she hears another baby crying. Nothing will console her. I end up stressed and thinking everyone thinks I'm rubbish. I usually end up leaving early. I don't see much point going anyway as if I do try and stay, I'll be in another room trying to calm her. My nerves are in shreds and I just end up coming home and crying.

I have been diagnosed with PND and will be referred for help. I don't think I have the energy to continue these things. Should I just wait until DD is in nursery in an few months and try again when she is more accustomed to other babies? Is it my state of mind that's the problem? Sorry, I'm so tired and increasingly isolated.

OP posts:

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callamia · 06/12/2013 12:14

Give yourself a break. You're clearly doing a great job, and I know that small babies are hardly the most sociable of beings. For now, I think you should go to groups or meet-ups that YOU will enjoy. Maybe just some NCT group coffees or similar. We all need a bit of adult company and you're right that feeling isolated is no good - but it sound like you could do with reducing your stress.

Go to what you feel up to, when you feel up to it. Is there a participle friend or two from NCT who you can perhaps go along to things with? Don't worry at all about your daughter having a yell - all the other mothers are way too busy dealing with their own crying/hungry/pooing babies. I can imagine that most mothers only feel sympathy for the mum with the crying baby - they all cry at in opportune moments sometimes.

I hope your referral works out well. Do take some time to look after yourself, but it sounds like you're doing an excellent job of mothering your daughter.

pootlebug · 06/12/2013 12:18

Give yourself a break. She's still really tiny....honestly she will not care whether she goes to groups or not for ages yet.

So it's really down to how you feel - if you want to get out then go for it; if you don't, then don't.

One of the problems of staying away might be you feeling isolated though. Is there anything that would help? Maybe:

Put her in a soft sling, so that she is cuddled up against you....it might help to calm her even if there is another baby crying
Socialise with smaller groups - maybe just invite one or two other mums from your NCT group around for coffee or something. Fewer babies = less crying, hopefully!
Fitness classes with mums and buggies - most babies are happier on the move

But all of the above should be very much if YOU want to. If you don't, staying at home or pottering to the local shops or whatever you want to do is absolutely fine.

AnythingNotEverything · 06/12/2013 12:29

Do you think maybe you're oing too many activities? How about cutting down to one or two a week and timing them for when DD normally sleeps? She won't get much out of them for at least another year.

My DD is 6 weeks and I can't manage more than one meet up per week yet, although I try to leave the house everyday ... Often with my mum for company/support! I couldn't do without catching up with the NCT ladies though.

LongDivision · 06/12/2013 12:41

My group found it nice to go to each other's houses, rather than to a coffee shop or meetup. it's much more manageable that way. maybe you could invite one or two people around to see how it goes.

awwwwmannnn · 06/12/2013 23:46

i totally feel your pain. i started taking my DD to a baby group when she was 6 weeks old...first time i was there i spent most of the time in a separate room as she was screaming blue murder - had a whole host of mums popping in to see if i was ok and i just wanted to scream fuck off go away!!

anyway i continued going with my heart in my stomach praying that she wouldn't play up that day and would be a good baby like all the others...tbh for about a month she screamed the place down, but gradually she got better and better and now at the grand old age of 3 i still take her to the same group, albeit for toddlers now rather than babies! my DD has made some fantastic friends, as have i and i'm so glad i carried on going, painful as it was at the time.

if you truly feel that this is not for you right now, then don't go - maybe when you have some help for your PND things will start to look a whole different for you.

give yourself a break, your doing a great job and the best you can, which is all any of us mums ever do

my2bundles · 07/12/2013 06:36

All your baby needs at 10 weeks old is the security of being with you. at this age i was feeding/sleeping/feeding/sleeping etc etc. My kids where much older, closer to 10 months old before we thought about baby groups and even then it was for my benefit and not my kids. they didnt actually need to be around other babies untill around 18 months and even then it was paralele play untill closer to 3 and half years old. give yourself a break, relax and just enjoy your tiny baby.

Original poster

bluebeanie · 07/12/2013 06:36

Thank you for your responses. I'm not sure if I'm strong enough to keep up with the big group stuff, but will definitely try short smaller gatherings and try and build up my confidence.

OP posts:

tomatoplantproject · 07/12/2013 07:07

It's still really little to be doing lots if groups - dd was still v colicky at that age and the only thing I did was baby massage which she loved. As she got bigger I started doing more with her. And agree with Nct meet ups at people's houses - much more comfortable, and we moved the time we met to lunchtime away from the afternoon and witching hour.

plentyofsoap · 07/12/2013 17:54

Go when she is ready and can gain more from them. My dd is 8 weeks and I will go in spring. I took ds to surestarts when he was older and still made friends with other mums.

oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 18:11

Oh OP, really feel for you xx

Don't NCT still do those under-ones 'home coffee breaks' Forgot what they called them, but basically a mum says 'come to mine' and mums go round to hers, open house so to speak??

Was far less intrusive than open NCT group, and really gave you the chance to chill with a coffee in a home, make friends, and realise your not on your own with an under 1!?

God, what were those NCT groups called??

Zzzzmarchhare · 07/12/2013 18:47

Hi op,
I had PND and found some of the groups made me feel worse but some like baby yoga helped teach me things to 'do' with DS.
At our support group for PND we were constantly told we need to give ourselves time to do things we enjoy- so meet friends for lunch, go to baby cinema screenings, treat yourself to new clothes, wander round museums or parks when it's nicer weather.
I found it easier at first to socialise with old friends who didn't have children as at least they knew less than me!
Hope you feel better soon.

plentyofsoap · 07/12/2013 19:05

Its natural to feel isolated but like others have said it gets better. I get lonely and it can be quite boring, but its only for a short period of your life. Go and do "you" things like others have suggested. Don't feel guilty either. Hope you feel better soon. Remember that some other mums at these places can be competitive so don't compare you or baby.

meditrina · 07/12/2013 19:19

The purpose of these groups, especially for tinies like your 10 week old, is not anything that will benefit the baby, but to give new mothers something to do (or aim for). You don't need to go to them at all. Some of us just aren't 'group' people, and you've not found one you like.

That said, I do think it's important to get out of the house daily. Go to a walk, visit the library or a gallery, find a nice coffee shop - anything really. You've plenty of time ahead of you to join groups.

The only one I ever liked was baby massage (run by HV, 50p per session)

oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 19:26

OP, just no pressure, that's all, pat on the back for you, your doing so well right now xxx

oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 19:33

OP, Have to agree with meditrina, I hated these groups at first, but was on my own with my DS1, so every day, got out the house, 4 groups a week (church, NCT)

I was not a 'group' person (was v young, moved from the city to a small (posh) village, two mums took their live in nannys ffs, to a coffee break morning for mums!!!), but eventually made some lovely friends, and people so in your boat -

What was that NCT group for under ones??? Would so help OP out right now??

wokeupwithasmile · 07/12/2013 20:22

Everyone else has already said most of what I thought reading your op, but...
I am a rather introverted person, so going to these groups is a big deal for me, let alone getting organised and going out with dc. I did it because it gave/gives me something to do during the day, lets me breathe a bit of fresh air which I feel helps with the mood, and at the end of the day it seems to be something positive that I accomplished even when I really do not feel like going.
If my baby cries or screams I just remind myself that every mum has gone through it, and I stop panicking and wanting to rush away. Most of the people I met/meet at these groups just pass me by, I do not talk to them, they do not see me. However, I did end up chatting to some pretty awesome mums, and it is for the possibility that something like that happens again that I go.
Plus dc seems to like looking at someone else's face for a change...

cupoftchai · 07/12/2013 20:35

Does your area have baby cinema? Screenings for grownups but u can take your under-1. Perfect... Feed, snooze, or hang out in the doorway with all the other screechy or crawling ones... Ok that description sounds like hell but it was great honest. Also second the coffee shops. And long walks interspersed with coffee shops. It's ok to read a book or something, u don't have to interact with baby 100% of their waking time! Hang in there x

oopsadaisyme · 07/12/2013 20:41

There's alot to be said OP for just banging out the duvet, put a brill cartoon on and chill making a den, having a 'picnic' in your front room -

Settle central -

Then go to a club, xx

Smartiepants79 · 07/12/2013 21:44

The only point of baby groups at this age is for socialising with other mums who are in the same position as you. Do not feel that your baby is missing anything. I would suggest that you try and go to some of the smaller groups. Becoming isolated at this time may make you feel worse in the long term.
Although it may not seem like it most of the other mums completely understand.

strawberrybubblegum · 08/12/2013 16:20

Everyone has already said it, but you're being far too hard on yourself! 10 weeks old is really very, very early to be out and about at groups. I remember thinking I should go to one at 8 weeks or so, but after DD slept through it (her reaction to too much stimulation) I stopped! At that stage, I thought I was doing well if I got to one meet-up a week at someone's house - much more manageable than actual groups. On other days, I just tried to get out for a short walk. I started going to a single 'outside' group a week with all my NCT friends at 3 months and found that DD started really enjoying them around 8 months.

strawberrybubblegum · 08/12/2013 16:33

Do as many or as few as you find gives you a sense of equilibrium - don't feel you have to go to them, there's plenty of time to restart them later.

You said you've got an NCT group: could you all meet at each others houses instead of out?

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