7yo girl calls out for us most bedtimes

[Firehanger]

Hi,

We have two children. 9yo boy and 7yo daughter.

We take them up to bed around 7pm every night. They then read until lights out at 8pm. Sometimes they read to themselves, sometimes we read to them - separately or together.

We kiss them goodnight, tuck them in, and then walk downstairs. The majority of nights one or the other, but most frequently my daughter, calls out for us straight away, often before we have even got off the stairs.

Now I know we have made a rod for our own backs by going back upstairs all too often, but this has to stop. It's been going on for years.

We've tried leaving her to call out, but she normally keeps calling out, often for up to an hour or more. If we leave her she gets louder and louder until she either gets out of bed (she has a high sleeper, but used to do this even with her normal bed) and comes to the top of the staira

My dd does this too....whatever we have done in the past has failed to stop it. And believe me we have tried everything..

However, I have found, that if I go up just once after she has gone to bed, just for a cuddle and kiss, she generally settles to sleep

(oops, accidentally hit send too soon!)

If we continue to ignore her she will come downstairs. At this point we normally put her on the naughty step. It can often take a couple of times on this before she quietens down enough to go back to bed.

If we ignore her calling out, and getting Increasingly louder, she will often wake her brother up, who them starts calling out too.

Help! What the hell do we do???

We know 50% of good parenting is about consistency, but ignoring her, or calling up to say "it's bedtime, go to sleep" just doesn't stop her.

We both work, and have little enough quality time together as it is. This regular disruption after bedtime isdriving us insane!

Any ideas would be bvery welcome!

Thanks

Chris

Yes, but this feels like giving in every time, and therefore ensure aging her to call out more.

Lights out should be lights out. We've tried agreeing rules during the day, although as we didn't have too much success this fell by the way side.

We've tried asking a list of regular questions to pre-empt her usual ldemands ; too got, too cold, feet tucked in, drink of water, etc etc, but this only had limited success too.

It's totally normal.
Lots of kids do it.
Does she settle after you've been up to her? If yes then I really can't see the problem.
If you're up and down to her for hours then I would gradually wean her off it with a positive reward system.

My dd often chooses bedtime to tell me about a problem at school. She gets into bed and starts mulling over the day and worries come up. I have started asking her when she's in the bath or something if there's anything that's happened that she wants to chat about so that bed time can mean bed time.

Ds is scared of the dark and any noises so he calls out for that reason. Usually it's just a matter of making sure the night lights on, but if he's particularly nervy I find shouting 'all monsters and robbers go away right now!' very loudly seems to reassure him!

Does she find winding down hard? Could you do anything to help with that?
Is she going to bed early or late enough? Has she had enough exercise?

Putting her on the naughty step is contradictory- you want her in bed.

I think you're so cross about this that perhaps she's picking up on the tension and this is making it harder for her.

When does she finally usually go to sleep?

God, I don't know how you cope! It would drive me mad. At that age, you always assume they'll be past all that. I'm amazed that persistent ignoring doesn't work, to be honest: what does she get out of it (apart from a sore throat from all the calling)?

I'd be tempted to do the usual bedtime routine, go downstairs, shut the living room door, put the TV on and leave her to it. Combine this with the reward jar thingy - getting out of bed leads to one marble being removed from the jar, coming downstairs leads to another, and then x number of marbles lost leads to the stopping of a treat or activity that she likes.

As for the coming downstairs, I wouldn't put her on the naughty step as that is rewarding her behaviour with attention - I'd just put her straight back into bed and make it clear that I wasn't too chuffed with her either. It's not like she's 2 years old.

Agreed. We've always felt quite uncomfortable with the naughty step in this situation. It doesn't feel right, but is perhaps a measure of the levels of frustration after all these years.

We have a very well used reward system/chart that works well for a lot of things, however once she's worked herself up into a state she is a stubborn so and so (like her mum, lol).

Perhaps it's worth trying to take to her again during the day. We'll normally remind her about not shouting out whole she's getting ready for bed, but th is doesn't seem to have an effect.

What we struggle with most is what to do once she's started. Do we ignore or do we give in and go up? Clearly there is room for us to improve all the other avoidance techniques, but for this times it doesn't work,the indecission is horrendous Sometimes! To be fair, it doesn't help that mum finds it very difficult to ignore her shouting out for more than about two minutes - but I suppose that's only natural though.

Can I just clarify that the naughty step has only ever been a last resort. By the time she gets out of bed she's normally so hysterical that it's the only way of calming her down without smothering her in love, which clearly sends the wrong message as a result of her behaviour.

The advice (and Thank you all for it!) seems to pretty consistently confirm what we'd felt though, that the naughty step isn't the way to go

I agree with defineme.

It won't be long before she outgrows this stage. My two (6 and 7) often do this. Sometimes just a quick cuddle will do, other times something is worrying them and bedtime is when they start thinking about it. Sometimes they are genuinely finding it difficult to get to sleep (either not tired enough or just finding it hard to switch off).

All of those scenarios to me count as a real need and are not just attention seeking. I'd rather give them what they need than ignore them no matter how irritating it is for me.

I don't know- I find smothering with love is actually quite effective in some situations!
I suppose I don't view it as naughty behaviour- I view hitting your sibling or saying rude things as naughty, but I see calling out at night as seeking reassurance.
I wonder if you're actually increasing it by being tough? What would happen if you went as soon as she called, gave lots of cuddles and settled her down?
I just feel you're getting nowhere with the increasing sanctions and perhaps the opposite tack is better?

Something that worked for my DS was a trick I picked up from Supernanny. I tucked him in and put the light out, then said “stay in bed and try to go to sleep, I’ll come back and give you a kiss in five minutes”. Then return after 5 minutes, and do it again, then repeat but with 10 minutes. Then 15, then 20. It kept him in bed, it kept my trips to the bedroom short and calm, and it did help him go to sleep. After a few days I’d only need to go back once, then not at all because he went straight to sleep.

Good luck!

I second the 'five minutes' idea despite it being from Supernanny.

Put her to bed, make sure she's settled then tell her you will be back to check on her in five minutes. Make it clear that anything she needs must wait until you come back. When that's established, increase it to ten, then fifteen, etc.

Eventually you'll be able to leave her until you go back at lights out.

If needs be use a reward chart. Don't make it a requirement that there have to be a certain number of nights in a row. Just make it a clear number of stars then a reward.

You must make sure you always go back when you said you would, set an alarm on your phone, and, if she calls out, call back telling her you will be up in x minutes. Don't enter into a conversation.