When rough and tumble gets mean

[anon1975]

My 3.5 year old daughter is causing me a lot of worry, sadness and I'm afraid, embarrassment. She's a sweet, bright and funny little girl most of the time. She's very physical and at nursery prefers running, climbing and chasing to other activities.

The trouble is that over the past month or so she has become very rough with her 'best friend' at nursery (a boy her age, and son of my friend), pulling him to the floor, pushing him, snatching toys, kicking and hitting him. It's not clear how far this behaviour is play fighting and how far it's 'mean' behaviour borne out of frustration with having to share him or other issues. Sometimes though, it definitely strays into 'mean' behaviour. Nursery have quite rightly told her she will not be able to play with him if this behaviour continues. Given that she mainly plays with him, this is no small threat.

At home, she is also sometimes lashes out at me or her little sister (8 months). It seems to be when she's frustrated or when I'm saying 'no' to something.

I think I know how to deal with it (clear boundaries and consequences, plus rewards for good behaviour) but I want to understand why this is happening. Our home life is pretty happy and not particularly stressful I don't think, though I'm spread more thin when my partner (her Dad) travels for work (up to a fortnight at a time). I find the idea that she's experiencing anxiety or stress I'm not aware of really unsetting. I also don't like this side of her and am embarrassed by it.

Has anyone experienced anything similar? What caused it do you think? how did you handle it? Did it pass?

Any help/thoughts gratefully received.

I think that when girls are rough and tumble, like boys are, people see it as a bad thing. Girls are not supposed to behave and do that, like a good little girl princess syndrome - which I am not accusing you of at all, well maybe just a little bit. I think your reaction to it is more telling 'don't like it' 'embarrassed'

She will learn that if she does stuff her friend does not like she won't be able to play with him. She will definitely learn this eventually.

How about classes like Tumble Tots, gymnastics, dance, karate, judo - all designed to be physical, getting ride of enery, learning some self control and group feelings. This would definately help.

Also have him and his Mum round for play date and then you can see what is going on. Boys are more physical and I know that some Mums of girls have been shocked in the past at my two boys behavior of rough and tumble, but it was in the main totally normal. Mothers of boys know this, but as a Mum/Woman this seems weird as we are not in the main like that.

It's not that big of an issue, she could be going round kicking seven bells out of all the other children at nursery, but she's not. Don't overthink why, it's just normal growing up stuff, honestly.

Time out instantly for any violence bee ding tolerate it at home. I'd expect play group to use the naughty step straight away.

Thanks Grants1000. I think you're right and indeed one of the workers at nursery admitted that they probably wouldn't pick up on her behaviour so much if she was a boy. It doesn't help that her 'best friend' is very gentle and not as physical!

We've been thinking along the lines and have signed her up for Little Kickers but I think that karate or judo might also be really helpful. I'd take her in the hope she'd benefit from 1:1 time with me.

Thanks also for your kind words about not worrying. Much appreciated :)

Tapiocapearl- yes, we're definitely doing that, as are nursery!