This baby is turning me into someone I hate! I really need help

[desperateforhelp111]

Have name changed for this because I'm so ashamed of myself.

My daughter is 4 months old and has never been a good sleeper. She used to wake up for a feed every 3 hours and go back down asleep and fall asleep very quickly without her dummy.

The past 3 weeks have been hell! She wakes up every 1 to 2 hours for a feed--absolutely nothing else will settle her! We have a bedtime routine that works great for us but I cannot deal with the screaming at night if she doesn't get fed.

The past few days she has become impossible to put to bed at 7pm, she has cried and cried and eventually took her dummy to sleep. She won't fall asleep without being swaddled and without her dummy. When she wakes up an hour after her last feed in the night I just lose it and get so upset, I am a shouting, horrible wreck. She doesn't deserve it :( I feel like an abusive partner, promising the next day never to do it again but by night it starts all over again. I dread the night times.

She is screaming in her moses basket while I'm in tears typing this. I feel so awful but I don't know what else I can do! I know I will get people telling me it's the 4 month sleep regression but I cannot deal with this for any longer! I am tired and a zombie every day.

Last night after her 10pm feed she took 2 hours to settle, she just talked to herself and it drove me mad! By the time she fell asleep I was a sobbing wreck crying about what an awful mother I was.

Please can someone help me :(

For us the four month sleep regression was really hard. I felt like a zombie getting up every 1-2 hours. We're now at six months and it's much better.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice but I wanted to say you're not alone.

is she teething? try a bit of Calpol with last feed, it will take away the pain so she can sleep better.

Dentinox teething gel is fantastic, after the milk and Calpol rub some on her gums.

poor you, babies /kids are not meant to be easy! (hugs)

Thank you for the kind words, I don't really know what I'm asking help for!

I know so many people have been/are going through this but I doubt they lose their cool like I do :( I feel so awful because deep down I know she is just an innocent little baby who needs me and she doesn't deserve me shouting at her!

She does drool a lot and suck her hands, I wasn't sure if it was teething or just normal for a baby her age to want to explore her hands. I bought some of the dentinox gel a few weeks ago and I'll try that with some calpol!

Other random suggestions from me - DS1 believed sleep was for the week...

Has she got a comforter or lovie? Introducing one might help her settle in future if she hasn't got one and she takes to it.

Singing / telling her made up stories while she's upset. Does naff all to comfort her but gives you something to focus on - I found buddhist chants occupied my mind enough during a sleep deprived period to help me keep a tenuous grip on my sanity and temper.

Earplugs / earphones for you while dealing with her? Bit of music might help retain your sanity while you're comforting her.

Teething powders are also good - we found Ashton & Parsons very useful.

White noise machine? We've got a Ewan the Dreamsheep which DS still loves at 18 months. Surprising how far he can throw it now though...

Baby massage? DS never got on with it, but I hear some babies do.

My sympathy - sleep deprivation is sooo much harder than I ever dreamed it could be. Doesn't help, but it WILL get better.

When I felt like I was losing my cool around my DD to the point where it was worrying me I went to my GP and was surprised to find myself diagnosed with post natal depression.

He was right but it took me quite some time to realise that.

Maybe this is something you should consider.

You're not a terrible mother. Sleep deprivation is used as torture for very good reasons. It can be devastating. Do you have the option of getting someone to take her in between feeds for a couple of nights to help her learn to settle without you?

How about a swinging chair? One of my ID twins has been feisty since birth and at times she could only calm down in her swing. It could be that she has some reflux? In which case a dummy and being upright, at least a little, help? You'd do bloody anything, to help settle them, wouldn't you?!

I was desperate some nights - sleep deprivation is utter torture. It's not possible to describe the awfulness of it, and your extreme craving for a few hours peace. So, I feel for you.

You're doing your best so please don't feel you're failing her. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture isn't it.

She's unable to switch off and relax, the babbling is part of her development and

Are you staying at home right now? Can you have a relative or friend take her out for a couple of hours while you sleep or take a hot bath?

We didn't have the sleep problem with ours, but he had silent reflux, and the anxiety of listening to him cry for up to ten hours a day turned me into an insomniac. It was a bleak time.

Yes, likely it will get better, but you need to take care of yourself now.

Oops! you have obviously coped fine until recently.

She is likely to be teething if drooling and sucking fingers and anything she can reach.

This phone is driving me nuts!

I was about to say, it defies belief how such a small person can wield so much power over us. No instruction book handed out so we have to muddle along. Vent here - you're amongst friends - there's usually someone in a different time zone here in the small hours.

You're obviously a good mum because your on here asking for advice so please stop beating yourself up.
Firstly have you got a partner around for help? I know what your saying about the baby needing to feed to settle (I have a boob monster too) but just if it feels too much I wake my oh up and hand dd over for a few minutes.
Fab advice so far from the others but wondered what your nighttime routine is and how much baby sleeps in day? I found my dd sleeps better at night after a quieter day with longer naps for some strange reason?! Have you been busier lately

Oh gawd you poor poor thing big hugs and sympathy! Is she still in your room? I know the advice is 6 months but I moved DD into a cot in her own room at 4 months, she was uncomfortable in the basket and I couldn't fit the cot in our room. When she went in the cot she started sleeping through, maybe because she was more comfortable? Maybe because she didn't have to hear me snoring?
Might be worth a try. I also bought a glow worm for her cot and if she woke up in the night I went in, shhsshed her and turned on the glow worm. ..she was eventually able to do this herself.

I used to shout at DD all the time and she loves me now so don't feel bad. ...sometimes it all just gets too much xx

I can remember feeling exactly how you are feeling right now.

At one point when dd was very very small when she woke up in the early hours I started ranting at her that she was trying to drive me mad

It is so so hard.

Have a and some

Breathe, babies cry - it's what they do - this was my mantra during some of the tough times.

Is she ebf? Am wondering if she is hungry, could you express some milk during the day to top her up in the evening?

Also is she quite windy? Have you tried giving her some infacol or similar?

Have you got a partner who would be willing to be the one who gets up to her for a couple of nights with expressed milk or some formula?

You poor thing! My 17wk ds is a sleepfighter, but so far thank God stays asleep for a good while whilst under. What you're going through sounds awful. In terms of settling your baby, have you tried a cot mobile? We've recently started using one (Tiny Love classic mobile) and whilst it's not magic, it keeps him calm when lying awake which in turn helps him fall asleep. It's reduced the stress of bedtime for us considerably.

Wow, thank you all so much for the advice!

My partner is amazing at trying to help me settle her, if she gets up before I think she needs a feed he will usually try to get up and settle her. Normally though this goes on for a while and her crying just gets too much and I feed her just for some peace!

Our sleeping journey has been a long one :( After the first week of 2 hourly feeds I got so annoyed at all the little noises she made that I decided to put her in her own room. The first night she went down at 7, slept until 10pm. I fed her and then she was straight back down until 1:15am. After that feed she slept until 6:30am. It was like a miracle! The next night she went back to her 3 hourly feeds which I definitely didn't complain about that because I'm used to that. Then it went back to waking up every 2 hours. After feeding we'd put her dummy back in and JUST when we got comfy it fell out and she started crying again. We took turns getting up and in the end we just decided to put her back in our room so that at least we didn't have to get up to put her dummy back in.

I had wondered whether I might have PND because I just seem to end up in tears every night that she doesn't sleep well. But then by the morning she smiles at me and it's instant all is forgiven. I know I don't get out much though and I probably should! My sister lives very near but she has an 8 year old and 1 year old and works part time so I wouldn't want to add to her workload.

Sorry this is turning into such an essay but I'm trying to answer all the questions!

Her daytime sleeps are normally the same. She'll have 3/4 naps. About 45 minutes in the morning, then 2-2.5 hours, then another 1, maybe more. I usually try and wake her up for about 5 or half 5 and start her bedtime routine at 6. I also find that if I take her out for the majority of the day her sleeping is terrible. For example I'll take her into town for christmas shopping and she'll have little 10 minute naps, wake up in a good mood for a little while and then scream and scream because she's still tired. So normally I stay in so that I can try and make sure she has nice long naps!

Wewww that was long, sorry for the essay :(

if baby's screaming get s to you use earplugs. it will help you keep calmer as it just won't be so loud/shrill/frustrating

some of mine used to scream straight into my ears - I have hyperacusis so it was really horrible. earplugs saved my sanity!

I had wondered whether I might have PND because I just seem to end up in tears every night that she doesn't sleep well. But then by the morning she smiles at me and it's instant all is forgiven.

I asked partly because of the tears you described at night and while writing but also because you feel that you're close to losing control and that you're not doing a good job. I used to look at other mums and wonder why I couldn't be like them. I now realise that I wasn't an inadequate mother, that I was doing just as good a job but I wasn't thinking straight.

Please think about going to see your GP about this. PND can make small problems feel huge and insurmountable.