Please help - what do I do today? Ds (5) and friend issue

[Cat98]

Ds is 5 and in year 1. Back in reception he had issues with one child- they were friends but would argue a lot, and the friend told a lot of tales about ds, some of which turned out not to be true and were verified by independent witnesses (other child accused him of stealing).

I was approached by the other mother a couple of times saying that ds was being 'nasty' to her child, I expressed my concern but when asking ds he'd tell me similar tales about this other boy. The school never had any concerns with ds.

This year it had been fine so far, ds had a glowing parents eve and the teacher especially remarked on how caring he is with his friends. But last night this other boys mother rang me to say that her ds said that my ds hit and kicked him in the playground. She said she went to see the teacher who apparently said she'd keep an eye, but that then it happened again the next day.

I don't want to be the mother who thinks her kid can do nothing wrong. And I know ds likes to play rough. But I really don't believe he'd just randomly kick and hit someone. Also we've had a few little tales about this other boy, but tbh I don't take them that seriously, I figured if there was a massive issue between the 2 then the teachers would call me in. But this other mother has really freaked me out now.

I asked ds this morning and he was thoroughly confused, then said that there was one time where they were playing tag and he accidentally tripped the other boy up and the boy went to the teacher, my ds said sorry. He swears blind that was it and it wasnt intentional. But then he told me about a time the other boy tried to 'strangle' him!

Now I'd never approach the other mother about this but it appears this is the done thing around here. A mutual friend who I asked about it all said that we have to get both their sides Etc and have a big chat about it with the teacher. It just sounds to me like boys play gone wrong but there is definitely a niggle between the 2 of them that should be sorted out.

So if you got that far... What do I do today? The other boys mum is going back to the teacher, presumably to say my son is terrorising hers. Do I ask to see the teacher as well, find out what their take on it is, tell ds's side (that it was an accident and also that he tells us stuff about the other boy but we chose not to take it anywhere) and maybe ask for the 2 to be separated a bit?or something else?

Please help I'm at my wits end! Doubting my judgement and my ds. Dh thinks its all ridiculous and that the other mother should never have contacted me, but from her pov I suppose if her son is saying stuff like that she'd want to try and sort it out. :(

Thank you!

Go see the teacher. Ask her what's going on and tell her what your son said. Tell her that this other parent keeps approaching you. Stop talking to the other parent about it as far as possible.

I forgot to say arghh it sounds a bit of a nightmare. Good luck sorting it. I'm sure if the school keep a close eye it will all settle down.

Yes talk to the teacher and try to encourage the other mother to keep raising her concerns with the school. I am a great believer at this age of getting the school to address issues raised in school. At 5 sanctions need to be immediate if they have done something wrong and 5yr olds don't make the best witnesses hours later. I can see though that the mother would be concerned if her child is reporting lots of incidents and omitting details like the strangling. I would then tell the mother that you have spoken to school and they will tell you if your son is involved with anything so please raise issues with them not you.

I've found at this age boys play rough, end up getting hurt and then tittle tattle.

I looked after a reception aged child before and after school last year and he played with my then Y2 son at dinner break. He used to tell me all sorts that my son had done to him. And when questioned further they'd been playing wrestling / power rangers etc. and he'd been hitting my son.

Goodness knows what he told his parents. When at my house obviously this play was discouraged and I told my son to keep away from him. He was a pain anyway as my son didn't actually want to play with him at school in the first place, mindee just wouldn't leave him alone.

Tell your son to keep away from him, and go into school and speak to the teacher and let the staff get to the bottom of it.

You sound completely rational and level headed and that will come across to the teacher if you do speak to her.
I agree with DH, she should never have approached you in this way.
I'd speak to the teacher just so that she knows that your son has also said things have happened to him, and that until now, you've decided to play it down, but that you're mentioning it because the other mum keeps approaching you.
That might not be good advice, not sure, but I think it's what I would do.

Thank you. I have told my son to keep away from him and he said 'but then I'd have to keep away from X' (there are 3 of them who go around together generally. Ds gets on really well with X but X also gets on v well with this other boy!
Arrrrgh!

I have told the other mother ds's side just because I want her to be aware of it, so she doesn't think I'm just ignoring my son being a thug.
I will ask to see the teacher today, not engaging with the other mum will be hard as she always tries to discuss it with me. I asked X's mum for X's take, maybe I shouldn't but thought it might be useful, he apparently just said the other boy wasnt very nice yesterday.

Thanks for the advice :) I'm so stressed about it!

Just to update, when we got to school and we were waiting for the doors to open the first thing ds started to do was run around with this boy! Both laughing and happy. The mum said she's going in after school. After the kids had gone in I asked to see the teacher, they could see I was a bit upset so she said she'd see me straight away. She was surprised and said there was no issue with my ds, that hes lively like a lot of them but not at all naughty. and that she would keep an eye on them both together. And that she'd let me know if there was any issue with his behaviour, also she'd chat to them both and tell them to come and talk to her with any problems.
I feel a bit better now but just wonder what will be said this evening, hopefully it will be sorted. Starting to feel very paranoid that he will be labelled a troublemaker because of this unhealthy friendship. But we can't stop them playing together can we!

Cat if I had a penny for every time I felt like this during my sons early years,I'd be very rich … and my biggest regret was worrying myself sick about it all. First of all, the other mother should direct her concerns with the school, not you. She has absolutely no evidence apart from her child's word, that these incidents actually took place. She it out of order approaching you on this basis as she's automatically assumed your son is guilty. This will only empower her son as he has seen how his mother is reacting on his behalf and this is likely to fuel him telling her about every single little event. You are dealing with a parent who probably thinks her son can do no wrong. If she approaches you again, direct her to the class teacher and tell her you have also spoken to her and she is keeping an eye on BOTH boys and as far as she was concerned there were no issues. Don't refer to your son as a thug to her even in jest .. she will grab it and run with it. I would be very relaxed about it and whatever you do, don't give her the impression you are worried, paranoid or concerned. I have 2 boys now 17 and 10 and have pretty much seen it all and met all kinds of parents … me included!

Thank you. The teacher called me in after school and said she wanted to reinforce there are no issues- She's also had a word with the lunchtime supervisors and said there's no problem with ds's behaviour. And that the other boy has now agreed the trouble the other day was an accident, and she's spoken to his mum. And for me not to worry. She was lovely, actually.

Thanks all
If she texts me again about anything like this I'll direct her to the teacher, who has assured me that she will contact me with any issues.

Job's a "goodun"! Glad that's sorted Cat! [smile}