"I feel like I don't love my family"

[Hadeda]

This is from DD2 (age 4). Recently she started telling me she feels like she doesn't love me or she doesn't love someone in the family. She gets very upset when she has these feelings. I do think they're genuine (i.e. she isn't playing a game) although obviously it's not true.
When it happens I tell her I know that's not true and that I love her/her family loves her and always will. And then distract her.

DD2 is a very affectionate child, loves to hug and kiss people, wants to sit on my lap still or be picked up. She's very tactile, loves contact with people. And she wears her heart on her sleeve.

It doesn't happen a huge amount, but it's not a one off thing.

There is no obvious trigger. Everything is normal at home. She recently started school, which she is enjoying - and although that's a big change I don't see it would give you feelings of not loving your family.

So two questions I guess:

1. Does anyone have other suggestions on how to deal with it other than just reassuring her?
2. Should I be worried? Is this just a stage or should I be keeping an eye on anything?

I don't like it any more than she does...

Can you read her some stories such as 'Guess how much I
Love you' and talk about what Love is. It might be that she has seen a couple kissing or something on tv or heard older children in the playground and this is what she is perceiving love to be. Naturally, she does not feel this way about anyone till she's a teen so is thinking she doesn't love you?

You could always go through the GP and access some counselling for her if you feel this would be more effective :)

Exactly what Penguin said!

Books are a great idea. Does she understand the different kinds of love? Partner love is very different from family love. Is there any chance she doesn't realise family love exists?

Personally I would dismiss it for now. Not make a big deal or an issue of it.
Just say something like "Oh dear, that is a shame". You will probably feel different tomorrow.
In other words, acknowledge her genuine feelings, but nothing much more for now.

Keep it all lighthearted. Sounds to me like she loves and likes you all very much, but is frightened.

If it all carries on for weeks, that would be a different matter.

Sounds to me like maybe she is feeling something new and can't quite make sense of it - if she has just started school her focus is going to be wider than just home and family, which it may have been until now? Maybe she means that she doesn't thnk about you as much as she used to? Maybe she is in love with her teacher (as kids tend to be) and feels disloyal? Just an idea. I think lots of stories about different feelings would be a good idea and maybe you will hit on whatever it is she is feeling and it'll help her make sense of it and articulate it.

I don't think this is anything to worry about at all. I remember my friend's 3 year old worrying about how the world was made and where did she fit in - very bright child obviously. Someone mentioned counselling and it isn't possible for a 4 year old to be able to make use of counselling. I think it's just one of those things that will pass, and I'm afraid will be placed with many more worries along the way - it's called being a parent!

How upsetting for you both. Is she able to explain more what makes her think that? Maybe with having started school, she realises that she goes for long periods without thinking about you, because she's so busy thinking about what's going on at school, and perceives that as not loving you. Maybe you can have a chat that it's OK to think about other things when you're busy without it being disloyal etc. Bless her, I hope she feels happier soon.

Thanks everyone for the replies!

DD2 can't tell me why she has these thoughts. But there are some good ideas here that might help us start to unravel it - whether it's her noticing other types of love, or finding herself in a new environment where the family isn't the centre of everything anymore. Without being overbearing, I'll try talking to her about different feelings and see if we can work it out.

I also hope she feels happier soon - for the most part she is fine, but when she does have these feelings she gets incredibly upset. The rational part of her knows its not true and I think she can't understand why her head tells her something she knows is not true and not nice.

Is she struggling with the fact that you can love someone but be angry or dislike them at the same time? And equating that with not loving them? Maybe reassure her that you can have seemingly conflicting feelings about a person at the same time and that it's confusing but also normal.

Agree with rrreow. I get the feeling she thinks that love means you have to like that person ALL of the time or want to be around that person all of the time.

I know as a young girl I was baffled by the idea of love. I remember asking mum how you knew what love felt like. Even as a teen I wanted to know how you knew you "loved" someone as opposed to just liking them a lot, or lusting after them.

I would explain that you don't need to like someone every day to love them. If she continues I would ask her why she doesn't like them today. Maybe you could encourage drawing or (depending on her skills) writing her feelings when she feels this way.