How to tame my toddler?!

[airhostess]

Hello,
I have a beautiful spirited Son that I need help with!

1. getting him to feed himself with a spoon- he can't be bothered but will at nursery 2x mornings a week!
2. eat food without it being a constant negotiating excercise!
3. how to handle lying on the floor when out around the shops.
4. getting him to listen when I say no!

Just a few things! Any books worth buying?

Kind regards

Do you sit at the table with him coaxing every mouthful? Busy yourself doing something close by but not hovering. Inviting someone round with a slightly older child could work wonders for stimulating appetite. Someone his own size to copy. And your own enthusiasm for food on your own plate can help.
Try varying cheap beakers and plates, even his place mats. Have an occasional indoor picnic on the floor.

Instead of "No" try a "Shall we...?" or "Hey let's...!" with enthusiasm. He will tune out "No" so work round it.

Daft little rhymes, songs, a kind of cheer leading. And when you run out of steam, CDs or tapes or radio.

Toddlers don't always appreciate lots of choices, so don't fall into the trap of bewildering him with an array of alternatives; ironically, he'll hate rejecting anything.

At home as he gets older, using an egg timer to see who wins and how fast he can accomplish something can be powerful motivation.

Distraction, warning, carry through consequences. Never threaten leaving an activity if you're not prepared to cut it short. Be consistent. Consequences should be immediate not some forfeit hours later.

If physically difficult to bodily lift him, remark that it's a shame he is being silly because he's going to miss out on X. If he shows no sign of budging, you can wait all day, nowhere else to go, this is boring but he'll miss out on Y.
Never be embarrassed by onlookers tutting!
Or studiously ignore him, walk on a little, covertly keeping an eye on him, not addressing him, not bargaining.

Your best bet is to try and anticipate tantrums, you're going to recognise a lot of potential booby traps - a chore that involves him keeping quiet, crowds, everything above his eye level, outings when he's tired, or ready for a snack to re-fuel.

I have a thing about books...read a few and they will all give you different advice and then you don't know where you are! I guess the same applies on here but at least everyone has experience of their own little people...it's a bit more real!

My little man is also 'spirited' and I am having to learn which battles are worth fighting! Whilst he eats like a horse, there are days where he doesn't and fights me...so we stop the fight almost before it has started and finish the meal. So some days he doesn't eat much but he makes up for it the next day. We are both calmer this way and no issue is made.
He doesn't like using cutlery, although he does concede for yoghurt and if he fancies it so proves he knows how. He gets mucky fingers and I figure he is likely to do it as an older child or when he wants...not necessarily helpful to you (sorry!) but does it matter too much at this age (my boy is 20 months)

Lying on the floor...I sit a short distance away and pretend to do something else...looking at my nails, turning puce and or smiling knowingly at understanding passerbys until he stops. . This can take some time! He usually gets bored before I completely lose the will and we carry on as if nothing has happened! If he is really getting his knickers in a twist then a calm talk explaining that I know he is unhappy but "......" can really help. If those fail then I figure he really is being a toddler and pick him up under my arm and remove him to another place...usually his car seat!

He is pushing the boundaries with ignoring your 'No'. My wee chap used to do it lots and some days is just bloody minded and starts up again! I started the 'listening' corner/step at about 18 months. He didn't get it then but he started to comprehend and I would count aloud to 10, now increased to 30, and it seems to work. Granted getting him to stay there for 30 secs can take 10 mins but we get there in the end!

Gosh....just seen the small essay! Ignore it all if it doesn't hit a chord!

1 and 2 are easily dealt with. You put the food in front of him and get on with eating yours. When he's had enough you clean him up and get him down from the table.

Negotiations shouldn't be happening. You make the food available and he chooses how much of what's available to eat.

3 depends on why he's doing it. If he's bored give him a job to do e.g. holding the shopping list, finding the carrots. Don't plan trips when he may be tired or hungry. If he's tantruming for something he wants but can't have, wait quietly and calmly for him to stop then carry on.

4 is a learning process. Pick your battles very carefully and be sure not to give in and change your mind in response to his behaviour. He'll get the message eventually.

Being calm and consistent is usually the most important thing to remember when dealing with toddlers.

Thanks so much for your suggestions. I still spoon feed him ( I don't know why really). We all eat together but unless I feed him in between my own mouthfuls he will refuse to eat and ask to get down. Also if bits of his meal aren't chopped up enough he pulls it out with his fingers and hey presto will refuse to eat anymore.
Be tough with me I can take it!

He's still on a high chair.

So if he asks to get down let him get down. He is perfectly capable of getting the food into his own mouth if he wants it. It isn't your job to get it there for him. It also isn't your job to chop things into tiny pieces. Cut his food into bite-sized chunks and let him get on with it.

The more you involve yourself in what goes into his mouth the more you are giving him the opportunity to turn eating into a battle of wills.

You need to take a big step back and re-evaluate your role in his nourishment.

You need to make sure a healthy, balanced diet that is palatable and manageable is available to him.

You need to provide a good role model by sitting and eating with him and enjoying similarly healthy foods.

From now on you need to put his food in front of him or, even better, on the middle of the table and get him to indicate which he would like, and then keep your hands and your attention off what he is eating completely. Don't offer, don't cajole, and don't ask him to earn anything by eating, ever.

If he gets down without eating from one meal he will be hungrier by the next mealtime and enjoy his food more. If he can't wait until the next mealtime offer a snack that you would be happy to offer as part of a meal, e.g. carrot sticks or toast.

Have you read the threads on here started by parents who are at their wits' end trying to persuade their pre-schoolers to eat? You really don't want to go down that road. It's a battle the parent never wins.

I know all too well it isn't easy to be relaxed about a child's unwillingness to eat. My DD2 could eat one mouthful of lunch and dinner for days on end and still be satisfied. At times I wanted to scream at her but I didn't. I smiled and allowed her to get down from the table. She's 10 now and even tonight I had to tell her it was up to her if she didn't want to eat but to remember that the noodles always disappear quickly when we have stir fry. She then helped herself to a large bowlful, ate it and came back for seconds. If I had tried to persuade her to eat we could have been there for hours just to get a few mouthfuls down.

My tactic worked because she knew that I would happily allow her to not eat and there would only be a piece of fruit and a drink of milk on offer at bedtime if she was hungry later.

I have never experienced any tutting from others as most others have been through the same thing as you! i.e. Your child sitting down in shopping centre/midle of street/market, whilst you say, well I'm off home now for lunch then, bye! This sometimes works, other times I lurk slightly out of her eyesight and she eventually come to find me (this works when trying to leave the library which is inside a musuem, and she doesnt want to leave so i go out of the kids library door into the museum (where the entrance door is) and wait for her there and she follows a few monments later), or I just sit odwn on bench and wait it out. Usualy she gets fed up quite quickly when she sees the silly behaviour doesnt actually acheive anything. Tempting her with a treat also works when she is tired. Taking snacks along is a good idea when out and about as behaviour is definitely worse when child is tired and hungry.

Ours has always enjoyed her food but we think it's really 'cos we do too. We always eat together as a family. After we have had enough we often sit and read to her whilst she finishes eating so she eats most of what is on her plate. I dont worry if she isnt actually hungry, which does happen sometimes, although she usually is hungry by tea time. Our kid seems to eat a balanced diet (not always in one meal) in a day/week anyway so try not to worry too much if they dont eat everything you offer them every mealtime. Our CM says she eats really well at her house too but we have never asked her to eat anything she doesnt want to. She's pretty good with veg, loves greens but avoids carrots, peppers and orange veg and fruit generally but I think you just have to hope that they keep on trying it and eventaually start to like it. She is good at trying things (even anchovies and olives and mushrooms) even if she then decides afterwarsd that she isnt keen. Thats fine with us, at least she has tried it and she will try again and again over th years and one day might like some of the things that she currently doesnt. I think forcing foods owna child will only backfire, you have to really let them experiement and investigate new things for themselves.

Thank you so much to everyone who has taken time out of their day to get in touch. Today I let him get on with it ( very hard) lunch he had a few fork fulls & requested praise after each one. Which I did. Dinner time he ate more ( probably because I was hungry)! I'm really going to stick it through.
Thank you.
P.s
Any recommendations for a booster seat off the dinner table? We always eat at the table so that's a positive! X

I let him get on with it ( very hard) lunch he had a few fork fulls & requested praise after each one.

It is hard to let them get on with it isn't it? I think this is one of the few times that our instincts let us down. Mine have always been screaming at me to get DD2 to eat more while my head tells me to leave well alone.

I would keep praise for eating down to the bare minimum. He needs to learn that he is responsible for deciding what to eat and that you aren't going to get involved. I once watched a friend praising her picky eater for finishing a bag of the most revolting bright pink sweets simply because he had her conditioned to be grateful when he put anything in his mouth.

Try to target your praise wherever possible at good manners, what he talks about, how nicely he is sitting, how he's waiting for others to finish, etc, rather than the consumption of the food.

I hope you don't find it too stressful. It's well worth it to be able to relax and enjoy food together