Please don't judge

[Posey]

If you are lucky enough to have even tempered, polite, jolly little off-spring, count yourselves very lucky and please don't judge.
I have a "perfect" dd who's 9. Had only one tt in her life, easy going blah blah ...
Ds is 3. A completely different kettle of fish. They have been bought up by the same 2 parents in the same town in the same manner. We struggle with his behaviour. Not all the time. He is mostly adorable, affectionate, kind, happy...but get him in a new place, somewhere noisy, when he's tired or hungry or a little insecure and he will kick off big style.
Not saying this to anyone in particular, but just today felt very judged and unsupportd by a "friend" who has older children who were probably perfect or she's forgotten what its like to have a LO.
Try not to judge please, sometimes we are struggling a little and to see disapproving faces or hear a tut is enough to make us feel quite crap and rather useless

big to you

Know what you mean. I do think pple forget or maybe had bigger gaps btwn them or something, but I know exactly what youre saying. Hang in there.

posey

my DD has the same jeckyll and hyde tendancies. bear with him, you never get two the same.

The traits he has now that you dislike will probably make him a stong, determined focussed man.

Keep to your boundaries with him, dont stand for any messing around and be fair with him.

Its not fair for others to judge, until you have a child that does kick off you dont know what it is like, and as you say you do nothing different. Its just their little pesonality finding its way.

Hope this help, I know where your coming from

lol! never take any notice of parents of one child, that's what I say.

ds isn't that old yet and his TTs are still quite cute (bottom lip out, throw self on floor, silence), but I've noticed this with fussy eating. dd will eat anything and I was always rather smug at the idea that she would eat anything because I had fed her such good food and such a variety of good food when she was little. now will ds eat bloody anything except porridge, salami and yoghurt? well alright he will, but only with an ugly battle of wills first. How wrong i was.

Oh, I do sympathise it sounds as though you have had a really stressful day. It's bad enough having a difficult tantrumming child to deal with, without having to cope with an insensitive friend too. I think people do forget what it's like, it's Nature's way of making us have more children

I know what it's like though, I have a highly sensitive and emotional 3yo who reacts to extreme stimuli like yours, and I know how draining it can be.

Have you heard of "Highly Sensitive" children? Enid linked me to it when I posted similar concerns about ds1. It may or may not be helpful. Either way, I think you need a rest, a cuddle, and a bit of distance from that particular friend. xxx

highlysensitivechild

Right with ya SenoraPostrophe. you put is so well

thanks sat

sorry, posey - just realised that possibly wasn't the way you meant your post to be read. I suspect I just ignore parenting judgements (and, worse, "advice" ) more than most. it's either super confidence or arrogance I think. I know it's easier said than done , but try not to take this woman's reaction to heart.

Thanks SO much everyone.
Am actually pretty knackered which makes it worse (loads of end of term things going on), ds is tired too.
I dislike being the centre of attention therefore find it very hard when dd kicks off in public. Actually I'd rather he did it in the supermarket where I am anonymous than at dd's school for instance where I am well known.
I think what upset me about this woman was that when she realised that ds's behaviour upset me ("I can tell you're stressed") she wasn't really sympathetic but more judgemental of my weakness (she's a very strong woman). We've seen quite a bit of each other recently with organising various school things, so could do with the break over the holidays.
SenoraP - your post was fine. I may have been judgemental after my first who like yours ate anything etc etc. Thats why I wanted to ask people not to judge.
Greensleeves - will look at that link.
Thanks all again.
Those hugs are having the desired effect

Have another one (((((((((hug)))))))))

Thanks!
Have just done the little online test - looks pretty highly sensitive to me.
Will have a look in the bookshop tomorrow.

Ha, yes, having had two more than averagely well-behaved children, it was something of a shock to me to acquire dd2, who came hardwired with a completely different operating system. Let's just say that any illusions I might have had about the niceness of my two older ones being down to our superior parenting skills have been well and truly dispelled.

It is nature, not nurture, and anyone who tells you differently has just been lucky so far.

frogs - I think I was pretty smug (behind closed doors of course) about my dd and our parenting skills which were the reason she was so brill.

Pay back time!

senora - why not take nay notice of people with one child?

Hey Posey. A big, sympathetic ((((( hug ))))) for you.

Our son (two) is borderline HSC, with this manifesting itself in him being quite emotionally sensitive; taking things to heart, and really feeling upset about things others might be able to brush off.

We were out today at a zoo, and when it was time to go, took a land train from one end of the site back to the exit. Ds loved it - pulled by a tractor, too! The only problem was that when it was time to get off, he was distraught. I'd warned him we'd be getting off; I cuddled him and said I understood he felt sad and disappointed because he liked it so much; I explained about other people wanting a turn and that they'd feel sad if everyone stayed on and they couldn't have a go; I tried distracting him - lots. And he still balled, very loudly.

To make matters worse, he'd done a really big poo on the train, and so I needed to do a speedy nappy change under a tree before we left. Cue more hysterical screaming, despite firm but kindly Mum. All this went on with tons of glaring onlookers clearly making their silent judgments.

Horrible. I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

I was doing my absolute best, parenting well I thought, and I still had a big public tantrum on my hands which had to just kind of burn out.

So I do understand how you feel about the HSC dimension, the public wobblies (especially in front of "friends" - I too now have a friend-to-avoid for this reason ... although she is pregnant again and I'm half-hoping it'll be a challenging one!), and the judgment (which I too find hard not to take personally). It too has changed my perspective, and (I hope) reduced my own judgmentalism. However a child's behaviour/parent's parenting looks, it's so often not the full story.

I love other posters' responses on here. And the HSC site/book will really help you see the positives. For example, ds's intense emotions mean he is also really empathic and concerned for others' feelings, and he's only just two. Yay! [proud mummy emoticon]

((((( hug )))))

God this was me yesterday. my 2.5 ds is fun, spirited and has a wicked sense of humour, but when hes tired, ill or stressed he is stubborn, awkward and hyperactive. yesterday was the first time i took him to toddler group since i had my dd 3 weeks ago. he was already on the edge, a bit insecure since new arrival, and what was there waiting to tip him over the edge? a bloody clown! He went nuts, and a horrid judgemental few mothers kept looking at me. when ds grabbed a girls balloon i went over to get it off him and the mother of the girl legged it over and said to my son 'give it back' even tho i was dealing with it. someone else told him to say thankyou to the (scary) clown who'd just given him a balloon. But he was just so overwhelmed. A horrid first outing with my 2 kids and it was in a place where i thought i'd get support. Some mums just have easy placcid kids. But i just wanted to say i totally agree with posey, it is so silly to judge, and unasked for advice is the worst kind.

I only have one ds and he is only 20 months old but he has had an almost daily tantrrum or screaming fit about something since he was 11 months old. He gets particularly overexcited or ovewhelmed in new places and if you combine this with hunger or tiredness or god help you both he goes into meltdown. Those who don't understand haven't had those sort of children. Try not to worry about them - if you hadn't had an easy first child you would see this as normal . I am always surprised when a toddler doesn't have a tantrum when their will is thwarted in some way

Thanks again for even more lovely and reasurring comments.
The clown thing Alismummy oh how I know where you're coming from. Ds went to a friend's party where a clown was "entertaining" them. We lasted 10 seconds in the room, 10 minutes in the lobby, then went home. Have to say that on that occasion I got nothing but sympathy which is as it should be (or at least not tuts). Everyone knows a lot of kids are frightened of clowns.

My mother always claimed that quiet placid kids were boring and intelligent, interesting kids were more challenging. I am NOT saying I agree with this (think she was trying to cheer herself up but have no wish to insult parents of well-behaved children). But it is occasionally comforting to think that tantrummy children may grow up to be really impressive in some way...

Oh, and apart from your irritating friend, I bet most passers-by are feeling nothing but sympathy. I always do!