Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

My 3 yo DS's anxiety -- at a loss

6 replies

cameorole · 28/11/2013 21:50

Until January my 3.5 yo DS was cheerful and relaxed. Loved everything: being outside, stories, dancing, his nursery, playgrounds, playing with me and DP. We never experienced the terrible twos.

Since January he has become increasingly anxious, and this escalated in mid-August (when we moved to a different town), to the extent that sometimes we can't even walk down the street, as he's afraid at every step that someone is going to eat him. It seems everything is a source of worry: babies, pictures (especially those depicting just faces, as he wonders where their arms and legs are), loud noises, people with long hair, people who might tickle him, shadows (and the fact they have no mouths), dogs, animals that might eat him, people walking behind him... the list is endless. His only topic of conversation is things that worry him. It feels relentless. I've suggested we talk about things that make him happy, but he insists on talking about things that make him sad. Strangely, despite talking about bad dreams, he sleeps through the night and despite having severe multiple allergies he shows absolutely no anxiety about food and eats very well.

Recently he has begun talking about his previous cm, including that she hit him more than once, made him stay in another room while she watched grown-up television, and told him many times to 'shut up' and 'get sorted'. Chillingly, he said that she stopped being mean and started being very nice near the end of the day, when I came to pick him up. He doesn't make things up, and he has never said anything remotely negative about his old nursery, where he was between 2 and 4 days a week. My DP and I had our doubts about the cm, and gradually reduced the number of days he was there to one a week (and even fewer in the last year). However, he always seemed to enjoy going there and the worst we thought could happen was that she would have cbeebies on all day.

I'm wondering whether what happened at the cm's (if true) is the root cause of his anxiety, or whether it might be something else, or nothing at all. I feel crushed by love and guilt and so sad that this is the opposite of what I imagined life would be like with my sunny, gentle child. If only I could reach into his mind and just let him know that he'll be all right, that there is really nothing to be frightened of.

I don't expect to be told that this is normal, as I know it isn't. Just knowing that someone has read this thread to the end would help.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
girliefriend · 28/11/2013 21:56

Hmm not normal - have you spoken to a doctor? If what he is saying about the cm is true you should also be talking to the police Shock

He sounds completely overwhelmed and may need some professional help.

Beamur · 28/11/2013 21:57

Poor little lad. I don't think these sound like the usual level of worry, even for a sensitive child. I'd guess your cm has been unkind to him in some way from what he is saying and perhaps he has also viewed inappropriate films while there. There is very specific stuff that he is finding scary.

Auntierosemary · 28/11/2013 22:06

Firstly, you really should report the childminder to ofsted/care commission/police/all three! I work with kids and all the training I've ever been given on child protection says you must believe a child who tells you they have been harmed by an adult, and you must pass information on to authorities. Think of the kids who still go to this cm.

Having said that, the anxiety may be totally unrelated. My daughter is just coming out of a similar phase - suddenly terrified of dogs, water, balloons, men, hand dryers, the dark, anyone dressed up, being in the garden... Etc etc! We really can't pin it on any experience and have put it down to a sensitive nature, over active imagination, and sudden realisation that she is a separate person from us. Things got better when we got her over one phobia - made a big deal about her agreeing to get hair washed, got her special shampoo and towel and told nursery about it who gave her a medal! Seemed to boost her confidence and now she is no longer afraid of dogs either. Small steps...

But seriously, report the childminder. Now.

HighVoltage · 30/11/2013 10:43

Poor him - and you. I would think - as with all these things - it's a combination of cm, then the move and also the vivid imagination of a bright, sensitive child. My DS of the same age is very into the "dark side" all of a sudden - baddies, witches etc. - but isn't that frightened by them.

No real need to say it again but do report the CM and I think a therapist may be able to unpick some of these anxieties with you/him. Given you're a caring, sensitive parent I'm sure you can help him through it.

I hope you can find some fun Christmas things to focus on and praise him for that are away from his areas of anxiety.

peachesandpickles · 30/11/2013 10:46

I had a very anxious pre-schooler. Her anxiety was mainly due to illness and hospital stays.

We took her to a Play Therapist and it really helped a lot.

cameorole · 01/12/2013 20:05

Thanks so much for your posts. I've reported the cm to ofsted but what is going to happen now is unclear. I don't know any of the other parents who have entrusted their kids to her care but will be trying to find out as much as possible. In the meantime I've decided to halve my working hours and will spend much more time with DS until next autumn when he starts school. I'll definitely look into play therapy, and we're meeting the nursery staff tomorrow to talk about all this so hopefully things will improve soon.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page