Scared I'll mess her up....feeling ambivilant..

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DD 14 Months. She is lovely and all going well, breast feeding no issues, sleeping like a dream.

However, i spend a great deal of time agonising over my interactions with her and what I am or am not doing. I also feel like i have slump days where I feel like I can't be bothered to do a lot and just want to switch off for a while. I feel like I am faking my interacting and cant be bothered. I basically feel a bit vacant. I feel like she doesnt smile much because of this.

We have lovely times after a feed and changing and she enjoys playing on her playmat for a while. She can thrash about and seems to get stressed with her toys at times.

I carry her in a sling at times throughout the day which she likes.

OK, Ive rambled on but what i'm worried about is that these vacant times are going to damage her in a way,,,

Do you get much time for yourself? What about meeting other people, playdates etc? You sound a bit lonely tbh. I would have a think about getting out - groups, library etc and interact with other people and your dd will see that.
Have you spoken to a HV?

I get 2 hours two or three times a week to go to the gym. DP looks after her then. Ive got friends I meet for coffee etc and I go to 2 groups. I have no family nearby. Yeah, it'd do us both good to have a bit more interaction. I sometimes think shed be better off at nursery for this reason.

Is she 14 weeks rather than 14 months? Only because you mention playmat and sling which sounds like it is a much littler baby??

If this is the case, then smiles, a playmat and a few little shakey toys is lots of interaction and stimulation for a little baby, Tiny babies are not very exciting (in my opinion) and it is easy to feel a little bored now and again! They get more interesting as they get older and able to do a bit more. If you feel like it, you could take her out to a mum and baby group. When my DD was tiny I went to one at the local children and family centre where they ran a first time mums group with the HVs. It was really good for meeting people who I subsequently met up with for an hour here in there during the week to break up the monotony of tiny baby days!

14 weeks yes sorry

Yes, it feel a bit of a groundhog day. I havent been to the groups this week beacause shes been poorly. DP also has SAD and can't cope with the house being untidy or having visitors at the moment. Its shit.

I guess you mean 14 weeks...
I know exactly what you mean but I think that you're not going to damage her if you're giving her lots of love and attention, which it sounds like you are. I read once that mum smiling at baby is important, even if you don't feel like smiling.
I find reading books together is more interesting than playing with baby toys. Also, get out of the house as much as possible.

its the smiles im struggling to muster up..

You sound bored. And winter sucks with little babies. My DD was born in November and by the time I was ready to leave the house with her I couldn't even go for a walk because it was snowing! Did you have an interesting job before your DD was born?

I remember feeling like you but I promise they get more interactive really soon (5 months or so) and it gets a bit less boring. I use to make sure (weather permitting) that I left the house every day to meet someone, go into town, go for a walk, anything to give myself an activity for the day.

When she naps, if you're not tired then read an interesting book or call a friend. If you schedule your days a bit they go by a bit faster and in the mean time try and enjoy your little girl growing and developing :-)

Yup, I had an interesting job! You are right about structuring days. It is much more manageable. Less space to get neurotic.

I'm sure my face freaks her out sometimes. She looks at me with a confused, anxious expression.

I read with her, we go to the Library and pick a few books out every week.

She is lovely, she's chewing away on her teething ring at the moment, quite contentedly.

I recommend walking. Anywhere. And take your DH if you can.

My DH was working in London (we live in Sussex) when DD was born and i did the 3 hour return journey twice a day from 2 1/2 weeks - 3 months solid with DD in her pram. He then charged jobs to nearer home with only part of the week in London until 6 months which meant no pram so I carted her about in a sling - even in the snow. Saved my sanity. DD loved it - she charmed commuters and tried to grab peoples newspapers! I perfected bottle and fruit pot feeding on the train!

DD is now 14 months and i've only just stopped religiously commuting so much simply as she is more active now and not so keen on being strapped in to the buggy.

I also met my NCT girls once or twice a week and had a regular baby class (baby sensory) which helped.

Looking back I did feel like you at points but now I have points of feeling shattered and unable to drag any more interaction out of myself so there are always moments of doubt but its very very unlikely you are doing any harm to your daughter what-so-ever!!!

What was her birth like? I only ask because Ds1's birth wasn't great and it took me a while to get to grips with it. I didn't feel comfortable at all talking to ds1 when he was newborn. I didn't get much reaction from him and I just couldn't put all that energy into talking or cooing when it get so weird!
U went to lots of baby groups and songs at the library and the like. Maybe carrying her in the sling more and inane chit chat about what you are doing, like putting clothes away might make you feel like you are inputting more. But it does sound like you are doing a lot already.
She is definitely not freaked out by your face btw. My two week old ds2 looks confused whenever he is awake. I am sure he's not actually. He's just taking things in.
It's hard not to worry but try not to (worlds worst piece of advice right there!), definitely try to enjoy this time in your DDs life. I couldn't enjoy DS's babyhood as much as I should have and I really miss that.
I also second reading or making phone calls while your dd is asleep. It will make you feel more like you, if that makes sense.

twotears how long did it take you to feel comfortable? I do sometimes, just not all the time.

Her birth was pretty horrendous actually. I was really really positive throughout it as i knew that if i let myself become overwhelmed it would've been frightening and I wouldve had to have had even more intervention than i did. I was ridiculously positive actually. Afterwards, by week 2 I was doing all the housework, cooking DH dinner when he got in from work, going to baby groups. I think the reality of it all is only just kicking in.

She has cried and cried tonight, really screamed. I can't bear it. I feel like it's my fault, that she's pucking up on my stress.

it's really overwhelming for the first few months. Remember you have only been a mum for 3 short months, no time at all and she has only been out your womb for that short time - it will take you both a while to get used to your new lives. I think it probably took me 7 months or so before I really enjoyed parts of my day with my DD - I'm not a baby person and perhaps you're not too. I liked it once she could crawl around and she'd follow me while I did washing/cooking etc and I'd chat to her about what I was doing. Can you do this? Just drag her round a bit while you do what you like to do. Also, does she sleep in her pushchair? If so, could you walk her to the nearest cafe and have a coffee and a read while she sleeps? I used to enjoy that. Do you live in or near a city? I sometimes used to bum around the museums with mine; I'd feel mlidly stimulated and she would be getting a little outing.

My DD is 13 months now and she's turning into a fun little person. She still drives me round the bend with the whining and demands, and I'm looking forward to her talking so we can have a conversation about what is wrong, but honestly I'd even say I'll eventually do this again at some point (and I really thought I wouldn't just a few months back!)

She's crying because she's a baby, not because of you. You are feeding her, keeping her warm, cuddling her and making sure her needs are met so she will not be crying because of you, babies just cry because they are frustrated/tired/need to vocalise. It's easy to say, but try not to fret - you are doing everything right for your DD, all you need to do now is do some stuff that makes you feel like you, and drag her along if needs be.

Thanks howaboutacuppa I work in a therapeutic role with damaged children and you'd think I would be able to get some perspective due to this but at times my thinking sails off in the wrong direction! I feel hyper vigilant I guess.

She is lovely, I need to chill out and as soon as she is better we'll be off out and about again! I Can't wait!!

She has been such a contented baby but DP's depression, her cold, my anxiety about money meant that I have been worrying.

I am a bit of an empath and it is hard not to be constantly filtering emotions, it sets me worrying about what she is absorbing and what this is doing to her development.

God I need too chill out!!

You know what, I felt like this, for ages. And worried that I was messing her up, for ages. I had mild PND after having DD, so was also often crying, or doing the minimum I needed to, and although it got better gradually, to be honest it was almost 18 months before I felt like parenting wasn't an act. I can completely relate to the vacant feeling.

Yours might not last anything like as long, and you may not have PND at all, but have a think about it, just in case.

What helped me feel less like I was being rubbish, was just structure structure structure, even if it was....DD has fed, I will now sing with her for 15 minutes, then I will read this touch and feel book for 15 minutes, then.....blah blah, eventually I felt less like a robot and more like I was just doing a job, like at work really.

As I said, it was quite a while before I was properly better, and you might be fine a few weeks from now, but I do want to reassure that DD is now nearly 3, is hilarious and funny and I love her to bits and she's affectionate and cuddly and loves so many different things and people etc. I don't think I have damaged her i the slightest :-)

D

I kind of wish someone had told me how boring babies were until they are about five months. I mean they smell lovely and are cute but all day with one does send you a bit potty.

Much better once they are a bit older.

Also I swear this is the reason baby number two is a bit easier cos you have an older one giving your life structure so it is not so grindingly boring.

Seriously though, stop being so hard on yourself, sounds like you are doing a great job!

Sorry it took a while to reply. I have been thinking about it!
It took a while to feel comfortable with ds1, he has a couple of issues that impacted on his early life (not particularly serious) that made me worry to a ridiculous degree. I felt a bit paralysed by that and after a bit of a difficult birth which I held it together for (and the 15 days in hospital beforehand) I crumbled.
Each month got better and when he was 2 I felt really quite different.
From what it sounds like you are doing well but are trying to process what happened maybe? Newborns are slightly boring as well, I agree!
Getting out and about really helps and talking to other people also helps.
It also sounds like you have to manage your DH's feelings which might be an extra pressure.
Your dd sounds like a completely normal non stressed baby though xx

Thanks twotears It helps a lot to know what other people experience. We have had a much better couple of days.

Similar to you, after the initial two week burst I found it really tough going for around the first 3-4 months and could hand on heart say I liked being on maternity leave at around 6 months when I could see I was actually making a difference rather than fulfilling functions for her.

I did a fake it till you make it, and walked... alot. I also didn't really feel much in way of connection, I mean I didn't wish her any harm- but if a nice social worker said she would be better off elsewhere I would have said ok then.

This got much better after around four months, and at six months I would have thought murder or a serious hospitalisation reasonable for anyone with a cross look in their eyes around her.

It helped to keep up with my own interests and keep my sense of self - but it was a very strange time.