Can i ask you to share your angry child's safe release methods please

[YoureBeingASillyBilly]

Im going through hell with ds1 (8) atm. He is so angry and flips at the slightest thing like being reminded to fold his uniform or asking him to watch his attitude. He is physically attacking me and destroying his room but last the other night he turned on his younger brother an tried to push him down the stairs and punched him in the face. He also punched me in the side of the head while driving. Tbh i actually felt really unsafe for the first time ever with him and considered bringing him to his dad's as i just dont know how to deal with him whilst protecting ds2.

We have talked and he says he doesnt know why he is so angry all the time. Part of me thinks hormones? Is he too young for that? Since this week began he has been grounded, lost all tv, playstation priviledges, lost all afterschool activites and been sent to his room straight in from school.

He says he wants me not to shout or send him to his room but what can i do? I cant let him speak like crap to ds2 and I.

I have asked him to think of things he can do when he feels himself getting angry so he decided on, punching his pillow, going for a walk outside, writing/scribbling in his diary and taking deep breaths to the count of ten but when he comes and tells me he is angry and i suggest all these he says he doesnt want to do any of those.

Ive explained that his temper is his responsibility to control and that when he gets angry he has to work out how to get rid of those feelings.

He says he understands all this but when it comes down to it he cant seem to use these methods to calm himself.

I need advice because im just completely lost with this.

My DS has always suffered a bit from the red mist but it is also much worse ATM. He is also age 8. Maybe it is hormones.

As a red mist sufferer myself, I can see that punching a pillow just doesn't cut it. I'm not quite sure what would meet the case but I am trying to think of something that's safe for him to punch or break. He does Taekwon do and that seems to help channel off some of the aggression.

Yes i have been trying to get him to go to martial arts (we have umpteen choices here) but he wont go. He went to judo for 18 months but left last year as he said it was boring. He goes to scouts, dancing and drama and loves them but last night told me he doesnt want to do dancing anymore even though he had been asking me for over a year to go and ive seen him doing it, he really enjoys it.

It's s pity about the judo. At Tkd we do breaking - smashing boards with a kick or punch. You can get special breaking boards for it . The yellow one is for the kids. Maybe get him one? It does involve someone holding the board though, which is inconvenient.

I leave DS in his room and if he breaks stuff at least it's his own and I'm not replacing it. A secure understanding of this has helped.

As regards his attacks on his sister, she is rapidly learning to stay away from him when he has the rage. In fact, we are all inclined to give him a wide berth and he calms down quicker if he 's left to deal with it himself.

Is there any training for you to go on? Not that you need it, I'm thinking of some of those 'positive handling' course we go on in school sometimes so that everyone stays safe?
I feel for you, I know a few people that have this problem.

Im not sure natural- how do i find out?

Hes not just destroying his own stuff though- he has completely destroyed his bedroom door by bashing it with whatever he can lift, i rent so i have to replace it and i cant replace it til this anger issue is fixed or he will ruin it again. He has put a hole in the wall aswell and smashed one if the glass panels in the living room door by slamming it. He also throws stuff down the stairs which marks the walls and risks breaking the glass in the door at the bottom.

Try your health visitors. I know he's a bit older than the children they deal with but they may be sable to point you in the right direction. How is he at school? Have the teachers noticed any anger issues? Ds's haven't - he saves it all for lucky lucky us.

His teacher says he can be disruptive in class and needs constantly reminded to settle down and stop chatting but no aggression or violence at all.

You could have a look at 'how to talk so kids will listen'. Some of the tips are useful. Also sibling rivalry by the same authors - so many of ds's melt-downs are triggered by what he perceives as unfair treatment of him vs his sister - 90% I should think. We found that book did help. I must dig it out again.

We bought DS3 (9) a book called 'What to do if your temper flares'. It really helped.

www.dawnhuebnerphd.com/TemperFlares.aspx

Thanks for both those suggestions. I will get copies of both and see if i can make some progress with him.

TeamTeach training could be very useful for you? It's positive handling strategies for young people. It's used in many special schools and we find it very useful for our students who lose control at times.

My dses are not this age yet but I've heard that boxing can help - do you have somewhere that he could have a punching bag and some boxing gloves - that might help him channel the aggression/anger more effectively than a pillow/counting to 10 etc. I'm sure there are classes he could go to as well.

same book as ThreeBee linked to. DS is 11 now and still goes back to it periodically, and says it is useful. We still have temper flaring at home occasionally, but never at school any more.

Drawing. I tell him to draw his anger. Sometimes it works.

Thanks for these suggestions.

I dont think he would go to a boxing class and we dont have anywhere for a punch bag. Tbh i have reservations about using a form of violence(albeit safe) as a way of tension/anger release as i worry that it becomes a pattern and he will then always need to hit something to get that release. Exp was very much for the throwing something or punching a wall and i found myself hiding from whatever missile he had chosen a few times. Ds never saw any of this and i would hate to raise him to do what exp did.

I will suggest the drawing suggestion to him aswell.

DS1 is 7yo. We have a number of things available to him. He generally goes to his room, where he has a mini trampoline to jump on or a big bean bag chair to pummel if he wants. Or a CD player to play whatever music he wants. It varies.

It can be difficult though. He doesn't have any type of "filter" for his emotions and can go from wildly happy to very angry in an instant over very odd things (he is disabled and it stems from his disabilities).

I've had to take a very firm stand on no physical inappropriate behaviour, no aggression, no shouting simply to maintain safety and general sanity. We've also recently been having discussions when he's calmed about "when you were angry and you shouted and threw something, did it help things or did it make things worse?" He is slowly starting to slow down the frenzy and try to calm himself lately to the phrases "is this helping at all?" or "is this behaviour making you happier?"earlier in the meltdown, which gives me hope that he's registering it and thinking about it sooner. Then we move on to "what do you think will help? what will make you happier?" He will sometimes come up with some obviously ridiculous suggestions ("no more school" and "never cook beans again" are two recent ones) and we can then discuss actual suggestions a bit easier.

It's so hard as different children respond to different methods. Best of luck.

TBH, OP, we offered DS the option of a punchbag. It didn't work for him - he was scared by his own anger and wanted to reason it through, because that's the sort of person he is. For others, they may physically need to hit something safe first, and reason it out later.

Yes alice that is what i have been saying with ds. Asking him (after the tantrum when he is now in tears) if the tantrum made him feel better or worse. He fronts it out at first and defiantly tells me it makes him happy to destroy things and call me names/hurt me and then i ask if it makes him happy then why is he crying. He'll shout at me for a bit more and then come and find me later and say he lied and it didnt make him happy and that he wants to be good.

He needs to get rid of the burst of adrenaline that his anger has triggered within him.

Agree a "safe idea" with him when he is calm - running around a field, kicking a ball against a wall, hitting one of those boxing bag things - and get him to use it when he's angry until he's physically knackered.

Allow a "red card" system at home. If he is getting angry, he is allowed to storm off to a quiet and safe room, where he knows no-one will follow him or go to him until he's ready to talk again - this will give him back an element of control which has been lost in the anger flare.

Thats a good idea mimsy. I was also thinking we should perhaps take a walk when he gets home from school rather than straight into homework, get changed, dinner, activity. Perhaps to just give him a bit of exercise and energy release after being in school all day.