I need help managing my highly sensitive five year old's behaviour. She is ruining every family time and I worry I am messing her up. (V long because I am confused...)

[HighlyPatternedChangeMat]

DD2 has just turned five and is in Reception. She has an older sister (aged 7) and a baby sister.

From birth DD2 has been harder to parent than the other two. She was a fractious baby and I never really worked out what made her tick. As a toddler she was very strong willed and stubborn and she still is. She has many highly sensitive features: she hates change, does not like large groups, finds loud noises scary, hates scratchy clothes. At home she is very outgoing and talks non stop. She dominates every conversation. At school and previously at nursery she is described as quiet but bright and well behaved. She always has a lot of friends and seems popular at school.

I do not want to sound all negative about her. She is very bright, very funny and very affectionate. People fall in love with her very easily and many comment on how articulate and funny she is. When she is on good form she is amazing.

In the last six months her already challenging behaviour has got worse. Maybe its the start of Reception, the arrival of her little sister or the fact we have a new live-in nanny. She has become very hyper a lot of the time and will not listen to what she is told. She hits her sisters. She steals stuff from the nanny's room. She is unfriendly, vindictive and rejecting to the nanny. She refuses to say please and thank you, refuses to be quiet when her baby sister is sleeping, runs off when out. If I give her older sister any attention she talks over me, interrupts, laughs cruely at she her sister is doing etc. I could go on.

I feel like I spend the whole time telling her off. She does respond better to praise rather than shouting but it has to be constant, lavish praise and constant attention to keep her on track and the moment I turn by back to change the baby or make dinner she starts being naughty again. I have tried star charts and she totally obsesses about wanting stars and demands them constantly and talks about it constantly so its exhausting and counter productive.

I feel at a loss. She seems to take a sadistic pleasure in pushing me until I shout at her. She then giggles manically while I shout. I feel I am on her back all the time and she must feel so stressed, she has started saying things like she hates herself, but I cannot leave her hitting her sisters and being blatently rude and vindictive to the nanny.

Last night DH asked whether we need professional help. I don't know. I would not know where to start to find it even if we do need it. Her teacher is an NQT so has little experience and just says she is lovely at school.

This is really long. Thank you if you have read it. I would really appreciate any advice.

[hugs] - my DS sounds very, very similar and it is hard work and all too easy to not do stuff if it means avoiding a confrontation.

I've done a couple of parenting courses, they really help sort of refresh my ideas and energy when I'm feeling like I'm losing track of how to cope. It's nice talking to other parents, sometimes they give me new ideas to try, sometime we just empathise with each other, sometimes I have ideas to give them (which is nice and makes me realise that I do know what I'm doing most of the time).

Your HV or local Children's Centre might be able to point you in the right direction. Or contact someone like Family Caring Trust to see what is on in your area.

Have a wander over to the Special needs section and browse sensory issues.
I am not saying your DD has a SN but that sensory problems are really common with some SN's and there may be some really useful advice about how to manage them better for everyone.
The thing about scratch clothes and loud noises is really common from what I remember.
If you think that there are problems you could take a list to the GP and ask for advice. They can refer you for investigation if they think it is needed.

she hates change, does not like large groups, finds loud noises scary, hates scratchy clothes

I feel like I spend the whole time telling her off. She does respond better to praise rather than shouting but it has to be constant, lavish praise and constant attention to keep her on track and the moment I turn by back to change the baby or make dinner she starts being naughty again.

She sounds like a female version like my son who is 'on the spectrum' He has Asperger's Syndrome. Our family life is dominated, I would even go so far as to say blighted by his needs/ wants/ demands/tantrums/naugtiness,... yet school had not noticed a a problem. He was well behaved and quiet there. At home he is a monster.

I strongly suggest you write down all your worries and take it to your GP. I , like, you had a strong feeling something was not right, and I wrote it all down because I knew I would end up a snivelling mess at the GPs. She read my essay while I cried and she agreed that something was definitely not right and we got a referral and a diagnosis within 2 months.

I wish you all the very best and hope there is an easier to fix reason for your daughter's behaviour.

This sounds similar to our 5 yo dd, who is also 1 of 3 however she is the eldest.

I believe my daughters behaviour is a cry out for attention, however whatever attention I give her never seems to be enough although I am thankful the majority of the time she is very good with her siblings.

I'm currently trying to pick my arguments and ignore all the not do serious bad behaviour I can. Easier said than done but fingers crossed!

Hope things improve for you. X

She does sound a bit like a sensory child (in my inexpert opinion) so I would investigate that further. Also can you schedule some time with you and her alone without her other siblings? Some individual attention and love bombing may help.

My five year old DD is going through some similar behavior at the moment, behaves fine at school but is really pushing the limits with me mainly, nobody else. She can be quite manipulative, pushing and pushing to try and force a reaction from me. She is also having massive toddler-style tantrums but kicking, hitting and punching me during it. I've noticed the tantrums are mainly when she is tired or hungry (often at school pick-up or just before bed) so I'm trying to address that by getting her to bed earlier and always having a snack ready for her when we get home.

I don't know what the answer is, I suspect in your case there have been a lot of changes to deal with and this is maybe just her reaction to it all. I guess I'm just posting to say you're not alone and hopefully someone will be along with some good advice soon.

Thank you everybody. I will look up sensory children and maybe talk to my GP. I don't think she has something like Aspergers because she is so good at making friends, but maybe I misunderstand Aspergers, I need to look into it more.

I think I do need to stop hassling her about every aspect of her behaviour. I watched myself last night and I am CONSTANTLY telling her to stop something. Maybe love bombing is a good idea, it is just so hard to find the time.

Basically I'm exhausted and not really enjoying parenting at the moment so I really need to find a way through this. It is good to know I'm not alone.

Hmm I can see elements of my ds in your post. He is 6 and responds very well to praise but it needs to be constant, which is tricky. He is fussy about clothes and almost incapable of making decisions, worries over them and takes a very long time. I also have a 3yr old and I'm pregnant.

I don't find ds difficult or particularly naughty but I feel like I don't totally understand some of the things he does. If I tell him off he often says "that's because you don't like me." And he won't accept it when I explain that I love him but I don't like the behaviour. For instance he can be really spiteful to his sister and I hate seeing that.

I don't think I really have any advice, just some sympathy. I try my very hardest to keep positive with him, give him time to talk to me if he needs to and I try and be understanding. Not always possible and I do shout sometimes but on the whole I try and reinforce that he is loved and that we acknowledge the good things he does.